I have to laugh at some of the questions and responses in the forums - they can be funny, and sometimes extremely telling. They can be so insightful, not only into others, but into ourselves as well.
There were two that caught my attention (I don't know why - heck it's early) - "Is it sexy to be intelligent?" and "Traits in a lover you don't want.."
The "Is it sexy to be intelligent" thread, to me, was completely redundant. It obviously depends on the degree of intelligence one has oneself and like art, is subjective. I may find Picasso fascinating and want his work on all my walls. You may find Picasso simply weird, but love Van Gogh and want his work on all your walls.
And one thing I know about myself for a fact, that if a partner can't stimulate my mind, there sure as heck isn't going to be anything else stimulated - and it's highly doubtful that it would ever get to the "partner" stage - or even the "date" stage. So for me, yes, intelligence is sexy, but again... it is all subjective as to the level of intelligence. Rocket science and mathematics? No, it would probably bore me. You, on the other hand may find that incredibly fascinating and sexy.
I had to think about "Traits in a lover I don't want..." and I realized, well for one, I don't want just a lover. If I wanted only a lover, there are many things I'm willing to overlook. If I simply want a lover - then the physical attributes are the only ones that will be important. But I want a partner - and that encompasses much more than just a lover. I want my partner, my best friend and my lover - my soul mate.
Personally, I'd rather focus on what I do want in a partner - because the don't want's will make themselves known soon enough if we're not compatible. It's highly unlikely that you're going to say to a newly met person - "hey, before we go on any date - are you demanding, overbearing, nagging, jealous, insecure (etc)?" It's highly unlikely that if you did ask, that anyone would answer those questions honestly. Or, if in fact, they could ... because it would depend on who they were with, as to whether those "traits" were prevalent.
Another question is, are those "traits" or behaviors? Behaviors can be changed. Regardless, if your partner does not bring out the best in you, and vice versa, then obviously, there's little compatibility. And another thing that struck me was, what people say or write, is about them, not about you. So if I make a don't want list, and on that list is "overbearing, demanding, needy, controlling" - it is highly likely that I have those traits or behaviors myself. And again, if you find your soul mate or partner, won't those traits be minimalized or not even an issue, because you bring the best out in each other? And isn't that what compatibility is all about?
I know that when I meet or speak with new people, I don't have a "list" that I mentally check off. We either are, or are not, attracted to someone. There is an indefinable attraction that begins with the physical which transcends into the mental, emotional and spiritual. As a relationship grows, there will be a subconscious that will either accept or reject the other's traits.
When I meet my partner.. I know that we will be best friends as well as lovers and partners. That there will be a meeting of the minds, as well as the heart and soul. That we'll bring out the best in each other, and accept that there will be some "don't want" traits, but that overall, the "want" traits will outweigh those by far. That disagreements will surely arise, but those will only serve to ensure a stronger relationship.
We'll have an insatiable desire to be with each other - to talk, laugh, touch, love, and yes, sometimes argue. To want each other in our lives always - to feel your heart skip at the sight or sound of their name. To anticipate with joy, their arrival home. To feel that warm, fuzzy feeling of delight upon sight. And isn't it likely that with a true soul mate, that those traits you say you don't want, probably won't be evident, because you will be compatible. If you display jealousy, insecurity etc with your mate, isn't is because you lack trust, in either yourself, your mate or the relationship? And then isn't it likely that you are not as compatible as you'd like to be or think you are?
As humans, we'd like to be able to make lists, to define traits as to what our ideal partner is and what they look like. And in making those lists and limitations, don't we limit ourselves to other possibilities? And how many times have you heard someone say... "he/she looks/is nothing like my ideal...but he/she is everything I want"...
Love and compatibility cannot be defined by lists. We all know this... because when we love, it's intangible and indefinable. It's a touching of the heart, mind and soul. That unique feeling one has when one has an instant feeling of recognition, of trust, sharing, caring. Of wanting to open your heart and deepest secrets to the other. Knowing that they will not betray those secrets. Knowing that hurts and mistakes will be made, and being able to forgive and overlook them. Of wanting to wake up with that person in your arms... hearing their heart beat, protecting them from the hurts of the world, of being their hero/heroine. Of an all encompassing desire to have that person an integral part of your life.
Our "lists" become inconsequential when we find our soul mate/partner. If I feel negative emotions in a relationship, are we truly compatible? We cannot expect from others, what we don't or can't give to ourselves.
So perhaps those "don't want" lists, are more a clue to our own inner issues, than they are a clue to others. Love is intuitive and all about bringing out the best in each other subconsciously... and thus, lists are unnecessary.
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| "Don't Want" Lists - Love and Compatibility |
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