It seems that the world has somehow gone awry beneath our very seats. I am at enmity with a toilet. It is a very personal conflict I find myself involved in like some war fought on all familiar but foreign soil...or shall I say upon the high seas? Oops, make that the low seas!
For months now I have been required to use a toilet in the restaurant I have been building. The toilet has an eye which is always watching me and always waiting for some inopportune moment to unexpectedly flush. It is a commercial toilet with a sophisticated and highly evolved brain. If I should lean forward it will flush. I must lean forward to reach the paperwork since as we all know, "No job is over until the paperwork is done" If I happen to move slightly to the left or right it will flush. If I happen to have some creative idea it will flush. If I make a noise it will flush. If I secretly hope it will not flush; it will flush just to spite me.
If I happen to forget (as I often do) to cover the eye with a cloth or tissue I can expect the toilet to flush at least four times before I need it to. Each time it flushes it also sprays cold water upwards... not clean water, mind you but water unfit for respectable conversation.
The anatomy of a man does not enjoy such "bathing" nor does the world particulary enjoy the coarse words which often emit from my mouth when this occurs. I would very much like to meet the genius who invented electronic eyes for toilets and express my thoughts on the matter.
Surprisingly if I finish using the toilet and remove whatever covering I happened to luckily shield it with, it will then not flush. If I wave my hand back and forth past it it will not flush. If I make noise it will not flush. Only if I push the button will it flush.
If this is some insidious conspiracy I would like to know who is behind it. I would look into the matter myself but I do not wish to come away with my face flushed.
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