A friend asked me the other night what I really wanted in a man. One would think after around forty years of being a single woman, either I should have a pretty good idea, or ...maybe I don't really want a man...
The timing of the question was interesting to me as I had been talking with another friend about the very subject just the week prior. (She is newly engaged and wanting everyone to share her present bliss.) I had asked her if it was wrong to want it all.
I have some pretty non-conforming ideas on religion and politics and loving and caring for one's self and life and living in general. Is it too much to ask for someone who shares my views? There are some things that matter less to me than others, but there are a great many things on which I have rather strong opinions -- things that run a bit contrary to the norm. Have I adopted these positions as a way to insulate myself, or to test the limits of of any potential mate?
The odd thing is that in my past, rather than letting similar interests and goals guide me in the men who get my attention, I go for the men who play out the same flaws most evident in my primary care-givers: Control and abandonment. I think on some level they are elements I exhibit as a part of the love I learned, but generally I see them only in the men I desire. The problem with the two elements are that they work against one another. The control can feel like love until it becomes too great and then I must abandon. Or the abandonment can create in me so great a need to give and receive love that I must seek to control. The result is always the same -- loss....
Running that pattern over and over for so many years has made me skeptical of finding love -- of attracting someone who is not in the same play. I want to quit doing the same things over and over again expecting different results.
This blog was intended to go a little different direction -- cover a bit different territory, but there will be more space for that angle.
New results cannot mean that I do not want a man. That is the result I have had so far all my life. I want a man who makes me want to be a better woman. It made for a good movie line because there is truth to it, I think. A loving relationship should be symbiotic -- where the total is greater than the sum of the parts. So, I want a man who I can also inspire to be a better man. That doesn't mean I am looking for a man whom I could love with these few changes, or one who would love me with a few changes, but rather that we can bring out the best in one another -- from the well-spring that already resides in each of us.
Long ago in my NLP courses, I learned a definition of deserving. Deserving is the ability to distinguish and appreciate. I want a man who deserves the very best me. I want a man I truly deserve. Distinguishing and appreciating me requires a great deal more than looking at my photos -- though that can be a place to start. Distinguishing and appreciating you will take some time.
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Blogs by lacyvsq:
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| You Make Me Want to Be a Better Woman... |
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observed50
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Jan 22 @ 1:19PM
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Interesting Lacy because I was having a conversation from another angle of something similar...does the web raise our expectations, and consequently our sense of 'nah'. In not knowing exactly what will fit, and having so many choices, none feel right because they are all too minimally real people in a profile or even in emails, chats or phonecalls. Too minimal. So we filter...but the more we do, the more comfortable we grow with saying...'nah.'
We meet...but in the back of our heads...we remember the few other profiles that seemed really fascinating...but we hesitated...because the closer the fit, the more we fear the rejection. So we wait until we get the proverbial balls to approach....
the same deleterious behaviors we had when younger when we 'settled' for our partners...tired and afraid of the process, eager to be who we were expected to be... and certain that the ones we were really attracted to...would never be attracted to us...so we settled on what was near and in front of us...
remember...the more we desire an object, the more we fear it, because failure to obtain only proves and reinforces what we feared about ourselves for so long...we're not as lovable, deserving, as we want others to believe we think we are?
I don't worry any longer about whether I deserve. I just focus on having sex again before I am 60. I think with a little over 5 years to go...I can do this!
Peas! 
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Blondino
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Jan 22 @ 1:38PM
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knowing there are open minded and compassionate people in your country
gives me hope  kudos to you sista
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mik48
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Jan 22 @ 2:22PM
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What a wonderful blog, containing many thoughts about things that almost every person that's alone has come across in their times of being alone. As for you concern over what you want. You want what you want. If it were as simple as just compromising, you and millions of others would've done that long ago. No, sometimes love has it's own timetable and we must accept the fact that we really don't know when or how love will strike. Excellent blog and you are beautiful for sharing it with us. We are blessed. Hugs Michael
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LilMissGiggles
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Jan 22 @ 2:41PM
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Ya know wanting someone to make you the best person you can and visa versus is a good thing I think even if whilst waiting on that person may mean you get lonely at times.....spent many a year in a relationship where I was lonely because he was not the right person....not good......I would rather be lonely and in hope than lonely without hope 
Thanks for sharing 
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Loinlee_Sole
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Jan 22 @ 5:17PM
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Want to be a better woman??? Start with doing the dishes that have piled up for a year..........dont make me have to whip you 
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redtigr
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Jan 22 @ 6:13PM
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Fabulous blog, Lacy.
You are truly a thinking person's thinker.
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pinkypaula2
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Jan 23 @ 8:17AM
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awesome blog  there is never a happy medium, i know from expreience  my ex husband an abuser, my ex boyfriend cared only about his needs wants, so i have dicided to be alone for a while learn who i am and that i deserve much not sure how long that imight be but i have the time 
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unionman154
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Jan 23 @ 2:28PM
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With your friendship you made me a better man. Love You Sista.
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lovetolearnaboutyou
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Apr 22 @ 9:41PM
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"I want a man who makes me want to be a better woman. ...So, I want a man who I can also inspire to be a better man. ...that we can bring out the best in one another -- from the well-spring that already resides in each of us."
Was trying to say the same thing in my profile, but you said it much better. That would be the best thing a relationship could ever have, IMHO...
Go for it, GF!
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mik48
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Jul 28 @ 3:11PM
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Having come here a second time it is very interesting to find that I had read this blog before and left a comment. The second time back through this blog has made me truly realize that this blog could easily have come from my own hand. I am pondering all of those questions myself lately. Just the other day I was really asking that whole question about is it wrong to want it all? My answer is always no. I think we can take it too far and nitpick things to death but I do believe that it's not a mistake to want that which sets your heart on fire with love, grace and beauty, and I as I was saying to somebody the other day, I think that's the challenge for some of us. To not abandon those beliefs. Simply because to abandon those beliefs would be to abandon our very self. Maybe it may seem far fetched and pie in the sky to some people but I've pushed the limits of this world quite a bit over the past ten years or so and I know from experience that human beings are capable of so much more and yet are programmed to settle for so much less. To conform to agreed upon standards and beliefs that keep society one big conformist blob. Don't get me wrong, I think for some people, the conformist blob is their dream and their goal, but that isn't me and it's never going to be. Hugs Michael.
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