Rules for dating my daughter posted 2/7/2009 7:11:14 PM | 1 kudo what's this?     report abuse tagged: joke

WouldntItBeGr8To

My daughter is 16 now and has her first boyfriend. His birthday is Sun. and they are going to Fisherman's Wharf, should be safe, 1000s of tourists
Then comes Valenines Day, I am sure they will have a date, not sure where.
If he is like any healthy red blooded American male I would think he was thinking about getting "lucky" on one of those days

Do you think these rules are too strict or not strict enough


RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER


Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better
be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck
not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may
glance at her, so long as you do not peer at
anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your
eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will
remove them for you right here-and-now.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for
boys of your age to wear their pants so loosely that
they appear to be falling off the hips. Please don't
take this as an insult, but those who do this are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open
minded about this issue, so here's the deal: You may
come to the door with your underwear showing and
your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in order to assure you that your clothes do
not, in fact, come off during the course of your
date with my daughter, I will take my electric
staple gun and fasten your pants securely in place
around your waist.

Rule Four:
The following places are NOT appropriate for a date
with my daughter:
(a) Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything
softer than a wooden stool or bench.
(b) Places where there are no parents, police
officers, or nuns within eyesight.
(c) Places where there is darkness, or
near-darkness.
(d) Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness.
(e) Places where the ambient temperature is warm
enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank
tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped
up to her neck.
(f) Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme
are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws
are O.K. Hockey games are O.K. (see "e").

Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, you may
think we should talk about sports, politics, and
other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The
ONLY information I require from you is an indication
of when you expect to have my daughter safely back
at my house. The key word I need to hear on this
issue is your definition of the word "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt that you are a popular guy, with
many opportunities to date many girls. This is fine
with me as long as it is O.K. with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little
girl, you will continue to date no one but her until
she is finished with you and she tells you so. If
you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my
daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by,
do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time
for something, YOU SHOULD NOT BE DATING. My daughter
is putting on her makeup, a process that can take
longer than painting the Space Needle. Instead of
just standing there, you could offer to do something
useful, like changing the oil in my car.

And Last but not least:
Rule Eight:
I am sure you've been told that in today's world,
sex without using a "barrier method" of some sort
can kill you. Let me elaborate. I am the barrier,
and I will kill you.

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