I was commenting a blog, which triggers so many blogs of my own over the years, here we go again. This time the blog got me thinking about how awful and presumptuous it might be to be dating with the idea we are seeking our soul mate. Maybe it is presumptuous of me, but doesn't that seem like a recipe for disaster? Isn't that objectifying the hell out of everyone?
I see a lot of comments, tests, blogs and profiles that proclaim the "one who can love them best" has this trait or that trait. How unromantic is that? And what of the man or women who looks at it and says to themselves, "That's Me!" or worse yet, "I can be that!" Holy cow people, ya gotta stop limiting yourselves. How are you ever going to find love in yourselves if you already know what you are looking for from others?
After a long marriage I have come to the conclusion that if I concern myself with what I am "looking for" then I am being incredibly selfish. I didn't go into my marriage and having children to find what I could get, it was and always will be what I can give that counts. My ex may never realize that she sought what she wanted from me, instead of observing and realizing that all I wanted was her to be happy with what I could give. Recipe for disaster, because if we think we can be totally content with what we have we are seeking the wrong thing. We need to seek total contentment with what we give, which is evident in the satisfaction of those around us. If we are ever happy with everything we gave, then we are obviously done giving, get it? I think that's why everyone fears being alone when they die, it means that nobody wanted what they give any more. I could spend the rest of my life trying to figure out what I want, especially if I have it already. We gotta be honest with ourselves, we won't ever stop wanting, so I think it may be best to focus on what we can give and less on what we can get. But who am I to assume I'm right in this? I mean, I too am divorced.
Since I've been dating, I make no assumption that I know what I want in another person. But I have heard the song from others about what they wanted, and who they are. What do we all want? There are some common threads among all of us. Good conversation, trustworthiness and attraction. How boring is it to sit and listen to someone prattle on about what they assume they are going to appear to be to you. How truthless is it to hear someone assume they will love you if you are a "certain way" for them? How quickly will the attraction fade when an insatiable appetite is focused inward?
Try to have fun, talk about things that show how you are interested in living, not dying. Be philosophical without predetermined conclusions. Be.......yourself, you know, the person who sought who you were when you were young, and if you think that you know everything you are, think again. We all grow, we all change, be you 20 or 60 you will grow, and your needs will change, as will the needs of those around you. These are the commonalities we all share, and a good place to start a relationship. Knowing all we want and all we give is the place we find when things have ended.
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| So I just have to ask why? |
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ragtopcookie
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Feb 14 @ 7:34AM
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Well said my friend......but ill add one more thing.......you dont want what you had before......you want better........its best to aim for the sky .....and miss...than to aim for the mud....and hit it.........cookie
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havUheard
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Feb 14 @ 7:45AM
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Why??? Because we live in a "made to order" society. . . .
Look at the fast food restaurants where you can have it your way;
Look at all the options you can choose when buying a new (or used) car;
Look at HOW we can go about finding a house or apartment: just type in what you want (Hmmm, 3+ bedrooms, 1 1/2 baths, 2-car garage, etc) & presto! there are your choices!
Look at profiles & everyone on ANY dating site is guilty of choosing options they feel they posses, & those they feel they want in a date or soulmate.
The "romantic" way doesn't exist too much since or parents and/or grandparents roamed the earth. They met their mates in everyday living (no computer or phone assisted dating available back then). They didn't know the qualities of their potential mates until they spent extensive amounts of time with them. Those qualities (good AND bad) they "learned" about became an endearment within their relationships, not a source of complaint.
With technological advancements come advancements in almost all aspects of life & living. We can't go back to the good old days, but we still have the choice of trying to incorporate some of the good old days into modern living. But it is a choice.
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misschief
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Feb 14 @ 7:56AM
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I don't know why anyone is looking for anything. 
I really don't get it. ~*~
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here4yoo
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Feb 14 @ 8:44AM
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Hey, we present ourselves to a date (however you meet them), and they take it or leave it. Same for them. Problem with dates is everyone's on their best behavior at first. It's when couples start getting to where they're snuggling nekkid that the real them, man or woman, comes out. If the guy is a rat, he'll start being a rat after he gets the goods. If the woman is a demanding shrew, she'll start to display that when she thinks she holds the sexual purse strings, if you will. But these types don't display any of this until AFTER they're sharing beddie-bye time with their new companion. If they did display the real thing up front, they wouldn't get anyone in the sack at all. There's a good part, though.
Lots of times, if both halves of the couple are good eggs, things grow, it gets better and better, and BINGO! A major part of life's quest is settled. 2 peeps working overtime to make each other happy. That's the quest. But on the way to getting there? Rocky and bumpy, baby! And along the way, peeps get tired of the game because it doesn't EVER seem to them they'll get what they want. Like Darlingirl said yesterday, even to find just a little love ya have to fill the backyard with the chaff to find a scrap of wheat.
So, find ya a guy or gal pal that you do "stuff" with. Someone you have an interest or two with, hang out with, and someone you really dig, but don't bed down with. I have a few like that. A golfer, a wine-vineyard cruiser that I take a drive with every now and then. Another comes over when she's blue and there's something good for dinner over here (I cook a lot).
And hey, I'd grab up any of these and happily spend the rest of my life with em, but they claim they aren't interested in all that. They just wanna be friends, and that's ok. Life is better with em than without em. Besides, there's always the chance, they'll decide, hey, I like this after all, and they always get a nice lil smooch on the way out the door to remind em how I feel about em. But pressure on them, or them on me is no good. Be friends if nothing else.
Besides, as friends go, the women are more fun than guys anyway, once you get up from the poker game, the golf course, or the tailgate parties at the Redskins games. The women are prettier, too!  I've gotten to where I like playing golf with the women, too. They don't hit the ball as far out of bounds, which saves a lot of searching in the weeds!  
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DaisyMae420
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Feb 14 @ 11:58AM
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OMG, there's that Lobster Man again.....and FYI, the dogs in my backyard would taste bad so don't even go there!
Ok....about your blog...very thought provoking! Kudos to you....which kind do you like...M&M's or without?
Looking back at failed relationships ( I must have had one at least or I wouldn't be single right)...but were they failed or just different?
It is more about give and get...I have needs (oh boy do I but that's none of your damn business so don't even ask unless you're holding a pair of handcuffs)
Anyway......I am friends with a former significant other, we have long insightful talks (he's usually drunk so they're pretty interesting) over dinner when he's not in a relationship. I see what he needs now, more than I did way back then. He needed me to be "model pretty" to feed his ego; he needed unconditional acceptance (which I always gave him and he now sees that) and so on. But it is interesting to analyze what I bring to a relationship. Maybe all the dating sites should change their profile questions.."What can you bring to a relationship". You may be on to something!
We are often sent mixed messages to "do it for ourselves" but who are we kidding if what "it" is turns out to be actually for someone else.
 My brain now hurts as if policy analysis wasn’t already making me sick....!
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1frantastic
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Jul 2 @ 6:19PM
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Why? Because we are still learning what works.....and what hasn't....and that takes time and geographical closeness....but internet can close that gap.....for awhile anyway....it still comes down to the "twinkle in the eye" and the "flutter" when hearing that voice or feeling that touch.... 
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