The challenge!
In my vast experience with online dating (two- and-a-half weeks now), a number of issues have arisen.
I encountered my first problem when filling out my profile. Right off the bat, in the drop-down box labeled “Seeking,” it demands that I make a decision on what type of relationship I’m looking for.” Hmmm…one would think this would be easy to answer. This is an online DATING site, after all, so the automatic assumption is I’m looking for a date. However, I find I must pick only one from a number of appealing choices.
I see “FRIENDS” on the list. Well, silly menu, I wouldn't want a relationship with an enemy! I’d want to be friends first, of course. But if I select this option: 1) my soul mate may pass me by because he is looking for forever (or, as it’s known on the dating network, “LONG-TERM”) and is tired of casual friendships that never go anywhere; 2) the chance I’m going to go from 0 to Long-Term in 60 seconds is pretty slim, but it would be the ultimate option so do I bear my soul in the first drop-down or leave that for the “Description” area?; 3) I love friends. My favorite friends are all men (no romance involved). If I don't select this option, I could miss out on some great friendships.
Ok, I decide to give my brain a rest on that one and consider some of the other options. “HANG OUT.” I’m bored. I love friends. I like to “hang out.” But will I sound like I'm 16 and haven't gotten a new PS game in months? Moving on, we come to "TALK AND EMAIL". I personally like talk and email, but some of the men I would be interested in might not like wasting time emailing like a texting teenager.
I love really smart guys, I always have. This is true with my friends, email pals, hang out buddies, and romances. Smart is so sexy! Ooops, sorry. I sidetrack easily. Anyway, really smart guys are usually very busy and don't always have time to mess with such things. Not unappealing and not a problem.
Next I see “OTHER RELATIONSHIP.” This choice seems to encourage my imagination to run wild trying to figure out what it means. I’m going to ignore it, as I am sure it’s not for me. Then, at last, an easy one! “INTIMATE ENCOUNTER.” Definitely not for me, so I muddle through to the final option, “ACTIVITIES PARTNER.” Crap, here we go again. I'm active. I like to have other people around when I'm doing active things. Of course I'd like an activities partner.
I keep thinking there’s a reason this is separate from the rest. Does this mean ONLY activities? Like, don't even think "friendship," "email pal," or "long term"? Best not to choose it, just in case.
Now that I have wasted an hour-and-a-half unsuccessfully trying to select the right choice for the first drop-down, I steel myself for another dozen drop-down menus. I wonder if my long weekend is going to give me enough time to finish. I grab a snack and an iced tea and settle back into my place in front of the computer.
My next consideration is “Town.” If you live in New York, Denver or LA, filling in this box doesn't require too much thought. If you live in Smallville, Kansas, this becomes a different challenge entirely.
1. Let’s say I give the real name of my town, population 42 (including my dogs). How long will it take for Crazy Stalker to find me?
2. In Smallville, folks are a bit backwoods, but they do have computers - and nothing to do. Reading the dating profiles of the locals is one of their best sources for entertainment and gossip.
3. If anyone else in the area has signed up on the dating site, we’ll see each other online. Then the next time we bump into each other in the store, we’ll both be embarrassed.
4. I already know these folks. If there was a local love connection, wouldn't I have run into him by now, making “shopping” in my area seem like a silly thing to do?
So I opt for the nearest big city, 47 miles away, population 4922 (barely minimizes the issues but it’s the only choice for 70 miles).
Next, I’m asked to choose my “Fish Personality.” I glance through the list but get sidetracked again, wondering what would possess a person to check some of the choices offered. Or if they did, how anyone else could find such qualities endearing. I'm sure I wouldn't want people to associate me with a Big Mouth Bass, Crab, Piranha or Blowfish (Good lord! Is that as in blowhard - or some sort of hidden sexual innuendo?) I try to refocus and check “no fish personality” before moving on.
Now it asks if I'm married. Is it kidding? What is the world coming to? Doesn't anyone have any morals? Are folks really stupid enough to advertise on the World Wide Web that they cheat on their spouse? OK, settle down. In my enlightened state, I know not to react to my emotions, I know not to judge. So I think, “Well, this can be a valid question without serious moral implications.” I firmly believe people can have friends of the opposite sex with no hanky-panky involved. And friends, after all, are a wonderful thing to have. Still, this doesn't apply to my situation, so I ponder my other selections.
At this point, I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. If I mark “DIVORCED,” I’m immediately branded. They will all think I'm too hard to get along with or cheated on my husband or have no common sense and was stupid enough to marry a drug-dealing, wife-beating, fornicating drunk. By marking this choice, I have also eliminated all Catholic male prospects. At least it’ll speed up the “shopping” considerably.
If I mark “SINGLE” (it's true, divorced people are single until they remarry or enter into a "LONG-TERM" relationship, right?), someone will undoubtedly think of this as a lie somewhere down the road.
Damn, this is getting harder than being confirmed by the Senate!
I see at the bottom a choice for “NOT SINGLE, NOT LOOKING.” Why in hell would I be filling out this profile if that were the case? One more dating site mystery to unravel. Frustrated and confused, I decide honesty is always the best policy, select “Divorced,” and ask myself again if I really am this bored. I am. I live in Smallville, remember.
Next it asks if I'm looking for a male or female. Well, I want a male for a romantic relationship but either sex would be nice to have as "friends,""email pals," or "activities partner." If I met a girl, maybe we could cruise the bar together, looking for men to pick up. I am relieved to see they have solved this problem for me by not providing selections titled “either” or “both.” My God! Can you imagine the can of worms that would open up?
I always get along better with men no matter what type of relationship we’re talking about so I pick “MALE” and start feeling a little cocky now that I'm picking up speed. The last two questions went pretty fast and, to my delight, the next choice is easy, too. “ALL MY KIDS ARE OVER 18.” Of course, there’s a slight worry that they’ll see the word ALL and assume there’s an entire herd of them but I can’t let this distract
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