Thanks for the Colonoscopy posted 4/29/2009 11:01:39 AM | 14 kudos what's this?     report abuse

RightWingRepublican

I have about 20 emails waiting for me to answer about how my test went from friends on multiple sites.

Well, i figured i would just type a complete response and post it everywhere.

If you wanted to date me before, you won't want to after this. So, in my usual style of writing, here it is, enjoy.




I would like to thank my Doctor for giving me that colonoscopy last week. It was truly a interesting experience.

I spent 2 days on the toilet and even the thought of going to the mailbox far away from my bathroom sent chills down my spine, or in fact poo down my leg.

I was basically a one woman machine. To top it off, my toilet decided it was a great time to break, i didn't agree with the toilet, but he decided it was.


I got to the hospital early enough for the nurses to drive me insane. We can only tolerate an hour together tops. I hate smiling people, and they hate crabby patients who are in pain. Guess we both lose on this one.

My blood pressure soared which is funny because my BP is usually so low they think i'm dying.

I began to get very upset and my adrenaline began to kick in, so my fight or flight began to kick in also. The flight was actually the one that got me. I got pissed off (and i don't remember doing it) ripping my IV out and grabbing my jeans. Now i'm a rock solid young lady, no Nurse was going to try to stop me in my rage. Of course i didn't mean to scare the shit out of them (like my choice of words?) but when my adrenaline kicks on, i just go black.


They were able to settle me down by promising to give me a "happy shot" that will lower my BP and calm me down. By that time they could have offered to shoot me in the back and i would have accepted.

They put another hole in my arm and gave me the Happy Shot. I got back in bed and spent the next 20 minutes laughing hysterically until i finally got so burnt out i fell asleep.


I woke up in the O.R. to the anesthesiologist getting ready to knock me out. He gave me the drugs in my hand and told me to count from 100 backwards, i made it to 98 then i was out. Not before catching a glimpse on the 5 foot long scope they were getting ready to shove up my ass.


I woke up to a nurse saying my name in my ear, my first response was "why did you wake me up bitch?!" i quickly apologized but the anesthesia made me crabby again.


Before i could even ask how the test went, the gas came. The Nurse told me they had filled me full of air and that i have to pass it to get relief. I was not happy about this. I adjusted my leg and farted, not a small fart but a "it's gonna blow!!" fart. I moved my arm and i farted, i thought about having dinner and i farted, i wiggled my toe and i farted. I laughed because i couldn't move without farting and i farted.


I was released from the hospital about an hour after the test. I farted as i walked to my car.


I got home and thought i was done with the gas, but oh no, it wasn't done yet. It came back the next morning with a vengeance. By then i had finally eaten something (after not eating in 3 days) so not only did i have gas again, but there was "other things" behind it, so i had to fart on the broken toilet to be safe.

The humor of my few days will live with me forever and so will the IBS that i was diagnosed with through the Colonoscopy, but atleast i can laugh at one of them.


I would like to thank my Doctor, he went where no man has gone before and lived to talk about it.

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Blogs by RightWingRepublican: The frickin stinkin health crap NASA is keeping me entertained - Floating Mice Cows, The Constitution and The Ten Commandments My security blanket is gone but for a good reason I'm on vacation, sort of George Sodini - The Gym shooter This lady doesn't really care Sending phone numbers and personal info. WTF? Only in America My Pakistani Family and how it happened My best friend is in Iraq Terrorists........ Joke Thanks for the Colonoscopy