***There will be a second blog to this so you can understand why im still fighting my way up from under that deep black water that wants to keep pulling me under***
I AM ASHAMED OF ME--- And I should be----So many of you have reached out to me in so many ways it truly amazes me that anyone cares, really cares. But I believe you do. Why Im not sure because lately Ive been a pretty selfish person and im ashamed for that. In "real life" im not a selfish person it makes me happy when I can make another person smile or do something for someone. I haven't done much of that lately. For this im sorry. I have been blessed many times over by kindness of others.
I am so ashamed that so many have reached out yet I haven't reached out to them. Sometimes I am a strong woman and do what needs doing, I am very hardheaded and scrappy but not lately. I will admit I have a very tender heart and knowing that Ive been selfish to my friends hurts me deeply.
I wont lie to you this last surgery has been a living nightmare that I cant seem to wake up from. It has become very hard to hold on and keep going forward, but im trying. Im ashamed that I have let depression and pain get the better of me. I keep pushing myself back up from under the dark water that wants to keep me down, but it gets pretty hard at times. I need to reach way deep down inside and find that "something" that keeps me fighting for one more second--in another hour to be happy I made it to another new day...
When I had the first surgery it was a breeze, I was sore but recovered quickly, but this one geeez is all I can say. Its still very hard to walk for long without my legs giving out, sitting for long hurts too, I spend allot of time having to lay in bed on my back just to ease the pain..is this "normal" for some people it can be..dang this is a prize I really didn't want ..Not only have I been dealing with so much pain at the puncture sites STILL but as I wrote in another blog>>>This One I am facing each and every day hearing an ugly little voice in my ear that says..hey it wont hurt to take more. Don't get me wrong I thank God we have pain medication but because of my past addiction to them I put off taking them until im in tears, I wont take more then 1 at a time even though the bottle says take 1 or 2 every four to six hours.
I am so much better then last week. It will take more time then expected. I WILL MAKE IT. Of that im sure.
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RightWingRepublican
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Jun 16 @ 1:19PM
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I'm sorry i'm not familiar with you here on MD.
but i'm sure everyone doesn't think you've been selfish at all.
If people are reaching out to you they aren't doing it to get anything in return.
That's something the people here are great about. No matter what is said or who has a fight, they all help those who need it. No bias no bad feelings.
I really hope you're doing good and start feeling better soon.
Ive heard nothing but wonderful things about you here.
Get well quick 
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CHARLIgurl1
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Jun 16 @ 1:34PM
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No youre not selfish at all.
I asked ky to send you my get well wishes bcause I wanted to, twice actually, and didnt do that because I expected an immediate responce! I did it cos I wanted to and so did others.
Stop beating yourself up and get well. 
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WSOR
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Jun 16 @ 1:39PM
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God loves you, & so many in here do too.  Get well quick, & don't be so hard on yourself!! That's what friends are for... to share one another's burdens.
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lazareth
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Jun 16 @ 1:39PM
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awww... you're not selfish at all... right now you just have a lot on your plate to deal with.
You take care of YOU..... we will still be here when you're feeling better
much love and hugs (and prayers)
Kay
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Snappygoddess
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Jun 16 @ 1:45PM
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Save your energy for healing and feeling better.. not for worrying about what others think....I am sure NO ONE thinks you are selfish!! And you have nothing to be ashamed of!! I admire you for the strength you show...take it one day at a time and enjoy the time you have to take to slow down....meditate and get to know yourself all over again while healing.
Healing begins with the mind.. keep that positive attitude and continue showing us who that hard-headed scrappy gal is by recovering and getting back to living
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imlost2
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Jun 16 @ 1:49PM
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Hey Girl, you have a lot on your plate, don't worry about us, we are just fine. You don't owe us a thing, no apologies are necessary at all. You just continue to do your thing and heal with the Grace of God, take care of yourself and family and we will be here as always. You get back to us when you can, we know you are thinking of us, so don't think a second about it, ok????? Now I don't wanna hear no more about being selfish, you just go have some ice cream or indulge in whatever makes you feel good ok?  and Take care Lost
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Jacksonboy
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Jun 16 @ 2:06PM
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Look how unselfish you are my chicken legs. Instead of thinking about yourself and getting well and feeling better you are thinking of how you let others down. Well heck girl don't do that. Just think of yourself and what you need to do to get better. We will be here
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HUGS4UANDME
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Jun 16 @ 2:06PM
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 its so good to see you here ............one day at a time sweetie .....and you will feel better.........we all know you are not feeling well and we understand too ...............you are far from selfish ......hang in ...
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hart_of_gold64
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Jun 16 @ 3:45PM
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I don't know you on here either but I can assure you I know what you are going through.I have had many many surgeries and some where a breeze and others I had found myself praying for my last day to come.But I promise that every day will be one step closer to a full recovery.I am not going to say every day will be better because that may not be true.You will have a few where you will take 5 steps forward but 6 steps back the very next.Just be comforted that alot of people are praying for you dear.And prayer is the very best medicine you have!
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ANGRY_MUPPET
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Jun 16 @ 5:08PM
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im not a selfish person it makes me happy when I can make another person smile or do something for someone.
we should say thank you for allowing us to help in some way,it makes us happy to help another in their time of need.
thank you for allowing our.,.,continued prayers and positive thoughts
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summerbreeze916
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Jun 16 @ 6:14PM
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Dear Lynn.....We ARE your friends, and we want what's best for all of our friends. Right now.....we want you to NOT give up that fight to getting better. My goodness! You JUST had this surgery, Lynn. It is going to take time to heal. You are NOT selfish, and I have never seen you in a selfish mode since I met you in here. Take the time to heal, Lynn. You need to do this. You are going to feel better, and until you do......we are going to keep you in our thoughts and in our prayers. We all know that when one of us needs you......you will be here. TAKE THE TIME TO HEAL, Lynn. Help us to help you.
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mystery2u888
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Jun 17 @ 12:01AM
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kywonder
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Jun 17 @ 6:05AM
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Lynn there is not a selfish bone in your body. At the moment the pain is so great that all you can think of is getting relief. This is the way the good Lord made it to be. Without the knowledge that we are in pain and to do something about it, some of us would lose our minds. When I am in so much pain that I can not stand it, I think of Jesus on the cross and the pain He must have endured. Horrendous pain beyond our wildest imagination. Yet He did it all without medication. While it does not stop the pain completely for me, it does give me a breather and I am able to get a hold on the pain again. You are the best. Don't you ever doubt it. You have nothing to be ashamed of. We all have abused our bodies at some time or another.
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MrPaul
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Jun 17 @ 4:43PM
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I am a strong woman and do what needs doing, I am very hardheaded and scrappy  You hard headed     Not you dear Lynn  You are wonderful  
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