A number of years back, I was sitting at the gate in Northwest Airlines huge McNamara Terminal in Detroit, waiting for my flight to Charlotte, NC. I had just spent 5 relaxing days in Vegas and I looked forward to a non-eventful second leg of this flight home.
As I heard the approaching aircraft on its inbound flight...I decided to walk to the window to see what aircraft type I would be flying on for this segment of the journey. Not surprisingly, I saw that it was an older DC-9 series 30 aircraft. These smaller two engine Douglas aircraft were at this time, a huge portion of the Northwest Fleet.
Within about 30 minutes, the call went out from the gate agent to start boarding the aircraft from the rear rows forward. I glanced around and surmised that the flight more then likely, wouldn't be more than half full.
When my block of rows were called, about mid section of the cabin...I grabbed my bag and headed down the jetway into the aircraft. I turned right, down the single isle in the first class section...making the usual wait for some moron from the rear of the coach section, to get finished shoving their large carry on into the over head bins at the front of the plane....”like this is going to save them time!”.
I progressed down the isle until I reached my row and then sat down in my usual window seat. I leaned back and glanced out the window, watching the ramp guy finish up pumping in the last of the required fuel for this segment of the flight...when all of a sudden the Flight Attendant approached me and asked if I was capable of handling the responsibilities of sitting in the emergency exit row and if I wouldn't mind sitting there? I told her...sure, I'd love to....”I'm surely NOT going to pass up the opportunity of sitting in a row with about 8” more leg room!”
Not many people realize this...but this is an FAA requirement. All people sitting in this emergency row have to be physically capable of not only opening this door, but also assisting other passengers out of it and onto the wing in an emergency!
I got out of my seat and proceeded to move one row forward, when all of a sudden I realized why this was being asked of me. To my nearly total disbelief, there was this HUGE woman sitting in the exit row window seat right in front of me. This woman was HUGE....at least 375 if she was a pound!
The Flight Attendant leaned over and told the woman she was going to have to move from the emergency exit row for safety reasons. Of course, this was the Politically Correct way of telling this Heffer, she was an obvious fat ass and couldn't be relied on in an emergency!
The minute this modern day version of Mama Cass got to her feet and glanced around and noticed an only half full plane...she EXPLODED into full riot mode!
“What do you mean I've got to move for safety reasons...this plane isn't even full?” “I requested these seats months ago and It not fair that I've got to move?” (cleaned up version)
This poor Flight Attendant...she was obviously young and inexperienced here...she grappled for the correct words to say in order to calm this fire breathing lunatic down. Of course, it didn't help matters that the obvious smirk on my face was just adding fuel to the fire here! LOL
The three of us were now the focal point of everyone in the aircraft. By this time my fuse was getting short with this cow, and being typical Loren...I decided to take matters into my own hand. I told this fat ass...Look, do you SEE that little emergency exit door on the wall? (Mama Cass turns around at this point to look at the door) Myself, and I'm sure a good amount of the other passengers sitting in this mid cabin section, DON'T want your FAT ASS plugging that little exit like a damn cork in an emergency!! GET IT??
At this point...this lard ass grabs her handbag and proceeds to leave the row. The look on the Flight Attendants face at this point was priceless! LOL
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