Ok its been a few days so I was going through blog withdrawal so I decided to come on in  Oh BTW there will be a song at the end of this blog it is a song that completely floored me...I have always loved music but this one I felt in my soul 
I have missed everyone allot but being in this mixed up state of mind of mine, I felt it best just to stay away for a bit. So many of you have been here for me and I know that to hear the same old crap about how I'm doing gets old pretty fast. But in the end it is very hard for me to lie, even if it is justs a small lie. I'm in no way perfect I have lied to keep from hurting someone, or lie by omission leaving out facts that will change something if given "all" the facts. I am human. 
Life has really sucked for me for awhile and many many nights when everyone else is asleep I lay in bed and think of some pretty bad thoughts, thoughts of why should I keep on going when my life hasn't been close to what I thought it would be. Why cant I seem to get over this pain im still having. It would be so easy for me to just go to sleep and not wake up, why do I need to watch my Mom try everyday to keep pushing with all she has in her. I watch her struggle everyday trying to make things better for my brother and me when this should be HER time to enjoy HER life. IMO I feel suicide is wrong on many levels, yet I can understand why a person can feel its an option.
I explained to her how I was feeling, that to lessen the burden maybe I needed to either go to my daughters or a shelter. Once again her beauty takes my breath away...she became upset and said " how could I live not having you near me, to make sure your ok" Wow powerful words. My Mom will be 75 on July 10th and she has so very much wisdom and to think that to end my life and miss one second of the rest of her life or to cause her pain is something I cant even think about. Being around her is so much more important then anything I have to keep going through
Now for all of you...I may not be here allot but always know I think about you all. I will start reading all these blogs I have truly missed...ya know a girl must keep up with all the stuff going on around here 
****I hope you listen to the words to the song****
Broken
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read more blogs!
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butterfly943
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Jul 1 @ 8:55PM
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Broken
Wake up to a Sunny Day
Not a cloud up in the sky
And then it starts to rain
My defenses hit the ground
And they shatter all around
So open and exposed
But I found strenghth in the struggle
Face to face with my troubles
When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken
Little girl don't be so blue
I know what you're going through
Don't let it beat you up
Hittin' walls and gettin' scars
Only makes you who you are
Only makes you who you are
No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking
Yeah
When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken
Better days are gonna find you once again
Every piece will find it's place
When you're broken
When you're broken
When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken
Oh When you're broken
When you're broken
When you're broken
by Lindsey Haun
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luneib
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Jul 1 @ 9:00PM
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Welcome back, it's nice to see you on here again. 
Women are strong creatures, I know you will get through these times, you just have to give yourself time. 
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Jacksonboy
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Jul 1 @ 9:10PM
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Without a doubt I am going to come up there and if I can find it kick your arse. You need to quit thinking those thoughts. What would we here do without you??
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butterfly943
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Jul 1 @ 9:15PM
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Oh I will get through it I will if not for anyone one else but for my Mom...and Jacksonboy  is all I am saying...well this too thank you
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Fayvorite
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Jul 1 @ 9:17PM
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What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.
/flexes
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HUGS4UANDME
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Jul 1 @ 9:23PM
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 always good to see you here sweetie great song I saw her at one of tobey keiths concerts and she sang it ........you hang in there .....we miss you.. feel better please
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butterfly943
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Jul 1 @ 9:31PM
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You are all the best...you have stood by me and pulled for me when its hard to like myself....thank you
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SpiritOrnery
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Jul 1 @ 9:38PM
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 Oh, tough song.
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butterfly943
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Jul 1 @ 9:45PM
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Spirit it is a tough song but it hit me hard to keep going keep pushing and to not give up or give in...thanks
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MrPaul
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Jul 1 @ 9:49PM
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 It is Ms Hardhead  Hey I found the other songs you wanted  The Butterfly song click  Or was it this one  Click n smile    
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mystery2u888
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Jul 1 @ 9:53PM
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butterfly943
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Jul 1 @ 9:54PM
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Hmmmm Mr Paul are you telling me im hardheaded? or is that bitchy oops witchy woman or maybe a little both
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butterfly943
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Jul 1 @ 9:56PM
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Thank you mystery... thanks for many prayers
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MrPaul
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Jul 1 @ 9:57PM
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Without a doubt I am going to come up there and if I can find it kick your arse Hey Jackson, Maybe it is time to do a roadtrip up there  Drop me a line and dont tell Ms Hardhead 
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butterfly943
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Jul 1 @ 9:59PM
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Well Paul if you and Jackson do make a rode trip...keep a look out for my butt its still missing along with my hips
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gunn12fan
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Jul 1 @ 10:20PM
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nice to see you again
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butterfly943
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Jul 1 @ 10:25PM
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Thank you sweet Jason
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hpylady_
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Jul 1 @ 10:28PM
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Better days will find you once again
every piece will find it's place
I like that .. thank you for sharing
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butterfly943
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Jul 1 @ 10:33PM
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Thank you hpylady my favorite part is "every tear falls down for a reason" this is so true for me
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leprichaun_magic
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Jul 1 @ 10:39PM
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.its just good to see you here again::)
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Loreli
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Jul 1 @ 10:39PM
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Never tired of holding the hands of loved ones
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butterfly943
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Jul 1 @ 10:49PM
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Thank you lep...you are a sweetheart
Thank you Loreli...holding a loved ones hand is a very special thing to do...so many people are hurting and are in need of human touch
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kywonder
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Jul 2 @ 12:52AM
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Dear precious Lynn. I am so sorry that it is still hurting for you. I know how you feel and I can empathize with you. Sometimes it does seem like it would be easier if life was over. But then, we would not see our children to grow and be what God has ordained for them to be. And Lord knows those grandbabies of mine make my world go round. Where would I be without them. You hang in there my friend, the light is just around the corner. Don't get off the train and don't jump, the depot is just in sight. Hang on my friend, hang on. I love ya dearly.
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sybnann
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Jul 2 @ 2:12AM
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Lynn, like me and many other women, you are too hard on yourself! I don't mean your pain as I know there is nothing you can do about that but to hang in there.
I mean about every day life. We all do it at times but I feel that there are times you are not loving yourself and accepting yourself for the wonderful person that we all see and know that you are!
I hope that your legs get much better soon, and that in the mean time, you smile!! It WILL get better!
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POPO
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Jul 2 @ 11:04AM
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Ms.Butterfly,
I don't know you very well, but what I have read in this and other blogs you've written, your a woman that has had her fair share of things happen to her, your willingness to share them with us, even strangers no matter how personal, shows your heart and desire to reach out to others who may be going through a simular situation, or understand where your coming from, are touched by your honesty.I know I am...
I think many of us have hit that point, a time or two when living just didn't seem to be worth waking up too. For me it was January 8th 2003 I watched a 25 year marriage walk out the door, nothing I could say nothing I could do to stop it.I remember feeling like, her she might as well have placed a gun to my head.How would I go on without her, I had spent over half my life with her. I went from 180 pounds to 146 pounds and just looked and felt like death warmed over. 
I had to remind myself to eat, no desire to wake up or even get out of bed, finally my son talked me into seeing a doctor he thought I was dying, I guess I was on the inside, I missed my friend, my lover, my wife, my world as I knew it. Every sad song seem to say what I was thinking and every Love song seem to say what I was missing. It's a hard blow to over come, some make it out alright and others get lost in bitterness or mistrust, and some swear off ever falling in love again.
My doctor was going crazy trying to figure out what was wrong, why the sudden weight loss, he even asked me to take a HIV test, so he could start eliminating what I didn't have, and then he asked a question...How's your marriage doing? I guess the tears told the story, long story short, he told me, he had never lost a patient to a broken heart.. and both my son and daughter told me, if I can't find enough reasons to live for me, that living for them should be reason enough.
Sometimes we de-value our own life, not realizing how important it is to those around us.For the broken hearted or those loosing their will to live for what ever reason or reasons, If we could see a preview of who is at the funeral and what is being said about us and who misses us, We would never consider not living.We would surely see just how important we are to those we love and to those who we didn't even think cared.
Hopefully I wasn't to boring..but I just wanted to let you know, I get your blog.
Live for the ones you love, and in the process, you will find your will to keep going.
Tu Amigo
Popo
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butterfly943
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Jul 2 @ 11:33PM
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Sherry...I am not going anywhere...you have listened, cried, laughed and most of all prayed for me..and still want to be my bestest friend Thank you for your love and trust in me
sybnann...you have always had a kind word for me...and so much more...your poem you wrote for me touched me more then I can say.. .
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butterfly943
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Jul 2 @ 11:53PM
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POPO....boring??? you??? OMG NEVER...your honesty and the way you put your soul into your words...well all I can say is YOU ARE AN AMAZING MAN...I read your comment then read it again....you DO GET MY BLOG....for that I will be forever great full...I am truly sorry that you went through all you went through too You have a beautiful soul ...thank you
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POPO
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Jul 3 @ 12:33AM
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Ms.Butterfly,
You are a sweet lady, you really are... Thank you for your kind words of me. Aye Dios Mio Muchas Gracis Senora, I do appreciate that very much. Wow ...you read it twice? Ahhh, it was your blog that caused me to go there.. It's hard for me to see someone open their heart and not be moved by their bereavement, their courage and willingness to put it out there, in hope that others can see and learn to be more loving and understanding. So yeah....your blog got to me.. which coined my response. Not everyone is willing to be so open and honest, so when I see it, I cherish it and adore it, and would love to see others express themselves more openly, it's how we truly learn to love admire and appreciate one another.
Thanxx for being you..
Tu Amigo Por Vida
Popo
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silksox
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Jul 3 @ 12:45AM
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Butterfly
k
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BionicCouple
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Jul 10 @ 9:11PM
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I didn't get to hear the song because youtube won't let me, but I did read the blog and the lyrics. Somehow I'm sure you're broken but can be mended.
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Snappygoddess
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Jul 10 @ 10:03PM
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I loved that song...never heard of the singer but she has a beautiful voice.
The words meant so much to me..for I have my own pain of abuse, rape(date rape) and molestation by my father. The pain and memories have faded most of the time but I still have flashbacks...I DO understand how hard it is to move on with life and not let the evil suck you under.
Believe it or not.. cancer has taught me a great deal about myself, how others view me and how I view myself. It has also taught me just how strong and courageous I am. There are three kinds of people----those that aren't strong enough to move past the pain; those that blame others and stay bitter; those that discover a strength and choose to move forward and live life.....
I'm so glad you are one of those who has chosen to live life...you ARE worthy of being happy and peaceful. My prayer for you is to have a restful spirit and peaceful mind.
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