I think I will be leaving Matchdoctor soon. I think the doctor has done a fine job in providing me a place to heal, and that my recovery of health has led me to faith, hope and love.
As I walked Sophie this morning, I thought about the course through which the doctor has taken me and different protocols which have contributed to my healing. I decided that I want to a series that summarizes that path and in the process I want to thank so many who have touched me.
I observed in my stroll that the great part of my journey has been in writing -- email, forum posts, chat and blogs -- and that most of the time the things I write are not primarily for the benefit of the other, but rather they are for me. It is not unlike the healing I found in massage. After my father's death, when I no longer could bring myself back to doing accounting, I went to massage therapy school and found that as i touched others, I was healed.
So, when I sat down to begin writing this summary and expression of gratitude, I went back to the last blog I wrote -- six months ago. My memory had been that I had not really written anything meaningful in much longer than that time. I reread that blog and remembered the circumstances man that pushed me into writing it. Thank you my friend! More than that, I marveled at how putting into writing what I desired has manifested that desire for me. I have a hope and faith that the man I met recently -- whom I will be going to visit next week -- is just the result for which I have been looking. (Here I fight the impulse to type a but...)
I don't know why I marvel at the power of the written word. I have seen it proven so often. So, here goes...my summary and gratitude written more for me than for any readers...
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I joined MD out of curiosity. A friend of mine had used my computer one day to check her email on the site and I wanted to see what MD was about.
I put up a nothing profile. No picture; the line I have an insatiable curiosity as my description for myself. I checked out the site and was not so impressed. I did not come back to it for several months.
By the time I came back to MD, the mail in my box was really old -- but several were from the Houston area, so I answered each and every one. The only response I got was a scolding for having ignored my mail for so long. Something about the site caught my attention that second time around tho, and I posted a photo and perused the online crowd.
I stumbled into a wonderful Dutch man who lived in Switzerland, who subsequently turned me on the Frisian archives where I traced some of my genealogy. I also corresponded with an artist from Costa Rica and a professor in Spain. I think the far-off friendships represented a safe relationship for me with no expectations and I relearned the art of letter-writing, which, with telephones and instant messaging I had let slip over the years. While many complain and warn about foreigners, I seemed to have a knack for finding the cream. Though only one of these men ever made it to my friends list, all three still hold a place in my heart and memories.
I also began corresponding at this time to a witty, zany mad poet who was eventually banned by MD because not all the women whom he wrote on MD appreciated his humor or madness. He was something of a bum when we first contacted, but he has made amazing changes in his life and is an inspiration to me -- and still a friend. There is little doubt but that we will yet make personal contact sometime in the future.
Then I discovered the fora! It was my first time posting publicly online and I was so very naive! I felt every forum was worthy of my time and wisdom and I posted candidly to them all. It was only after getting random messages on my yahoo messenger that I realized that I should use a bit of restraint -- that there were many more voyeurs than participants on some of the threads -- and that my last ten posts would remain on my profile.
So, though page one on my profile said almost nothing about me, that posts tab sometimes spoke volumes. About that time, I began correspondence with a nameless, faceless much younger man who was to become one of the most pivotal in the evolution of my soul and love life. Perhaps his age gave me the safety I needed to open up and reveal the thoughts in my head and heart. He is the one who would send me little bits of Latin -- which I had to google and then had to contemplate to find answers to the questions of why he had sent me this particular phrase? and what did this phrase mean to me? He stimulated my thinking and my spirit and he encouraged my writing. I fell a bit in love with him in spite of his being young enough to be my son. There are parts of him in quite a few of my blog posts. I wish that I could tell him just how special he was and is to me.
The first person on my friends list came from posting on the forum. It was Grumblebear and along with relationship challenges, he shared Minnesota with me. Although we did not correspond regularly, I have always found the email between us pleasant and welcome.
As the post is now full, I will take a break from my reminiscing. Remember, this exercise is mostly for me...and will be continued...
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