I started smoking again in America. I made an excuse it was better than inhaling everyone's second hand smoke but the truth is I wanted to.
There's something liberating about doing what you want rather than what you think you should. I gave up a few years ago having smoked between up to 20 a day from the age of 13 until my early 40's. I gave up because I wanted to, smoked my last one and never missed it.
I didn't miss it in America, it was more about being my own person, casting off ideas put in my head by my parents and teachers no matter how much sense they made. I struggle between recognising my parents wanted what was best for me and to protect me, and feeling stifled.
Most children rebel at an early age, my younger sister did, which probably made it harder for me as I was the example she refused to follow. The more she rebelled the more grateful my parents were I'd not put them through the same. Eventually I became so set in my ways I didn't know how else to be, if I rebelled in the least I made sure they never found out. I never envied my sister's rebellious streak until recently when I realised I had wants and needs outside of my Mother's ideals. I'd grown and had long left behind the teachings of a lovable, elderly dog, able yet unwilling to learn new tricks. However, my loyalty runs deep and I struggled to find a way to live my life regardless but without hurting her. An impossible task. In order to be true to myself I had to allow her to feel sidelined and let down because that's her stuff, not mine to shoulder any longer.
I had a plan today, voiced it to others in the hope it would spur me on, but the truth is, I don't want to today. The time may be right but I'm not ready.
I smoked a cigarette this morning. I never usually light up until well into the afternoon. I always hated cigarettes first thing in and would never dream of it until after I'd eaten, even then I found it disgusting. Years ago, before they banned smoking in public places, I'd light up as soon as I arrived at the office. Cups of coffee and mints made it more palatable but I wondered why I was putting myself through it, I still do. When I lit up earlier I knew I'd feel the same but it didn't stop me. There's something about a cigarette that gets my brain functioning in a different way, makes things clearer somehow. Suddenly realised I need to surrender.
I'm a doer! Once I make my mind up, I'm on a mission. I make mental and physical lists. Once the lists are made I want it all done and unless I achieve it quickly I've failed, I'm lazy, haven't made enough effort. There's a need for progress and things never move quickly enough for me. The lists are a good thing, acting as a guage for exactly how much I have done ...
I've been back from America almost 4 weeks and have achieved a hell of a lot in that time:
Researched Visas and Immigration
Scanned newspapers and applied for jobs
Attended an interview with regard to my current unemployment
Seen a Doctor about the allergic reaction I picked up in the States and the mole on my back
Wrote a short story to send to a magazine
Heard from another magazine who are considering publishing a different one
Retrieved Stargazer & Rimmer from the Forums (the draft I'd worked on for hours and hours and essentially finished for my part was lost when my computer crashed while I was in the States)
Driven my kids here, there and everywhere
Kept up with domestic chores
Spent time with friends and attended a family anniversary party
Posted blogs and emails and talked on the phone with friends
Talked with Chris for up to 4 hours each day
Researched a magazine for story ideas
Wrote a song for Chris to set to music.
I'm sure there's more but it's not springing to mind, they're crossed off the lists now. It's the things I haven't done that still bug me, and there will always be things we haven't done.
I read a blog about "stuff" yesterday, a sad blog I felt unable to post a comment on because I didn't want to trivialise it, but it occurred to me, the things we accumulate around us are just that ... "stuff", they don't make us who we are, stripped bare we are still the same person and that's the most important thing. The things we have to do are also just "stuff", we are still the same person whether we do them now, later, or never get round to it.
Some of us make demands on ourselves we'd never make on others. We're independent souls who find it hard to ask for help and even when it's offered feel reluctant to accept. Maybe we feel no one can do it better than we can, or more to the point to our satisfaction. I've accepted help in the past and wished I hadn't, therefore I need to surrender sometimes. I need to accept if I want to do things myself then I mustn't create impossible goals, everything will get done in time and usually prioritises itself regardless of where I've put it on my list.
One job at a time, that's the only goal I need to set.
Angel has blogged ... thanks for reading!
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missliss78
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Jul 13 @ 12:20PM
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Like Herodotus, I smoked out of habit.....addiction.
I quit August 28, 1989 & never looked back.
It was hard to break the physical habit of reaching for them,
but in short order I overcame that, too.
Funny, though...in reading your blog a certain line stood out to me.
There's something liberating about doing what you want rather than what you think you should. I'm sorry to say, this automatically made me think of the girl here who is plagiarizing works on MD that she finds by other authors elsewhere. And as we all nag & beg that she give credit where credit is due, she continues to do exactly what she appears to want to do.....rather than what she should. 
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summerbreeze916
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Jul 13 @ 6:06PM
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One job at a time, that's the only goal I need to set.
This is the best way! One job at a time. If we bite off more than we can chew.....we spit it out or choke, and nothing gets accomplished!
You have gotten MUCH accomplished since you've been home! I'm proud of you, my friend!    
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Borty
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Jul 13 @ 6:31PM
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I used to drink and do drugs daily for years. It became painfully obvious that I was killing myself so I somehow managed to quit one day at a time. I still smoke thinking I should have at least one vice, a poor rationalization at best.
The thing about smoking is that it doesn't become obvious that its killing you until its too late. Sort of like the frog in a pot of warm water...it sits and waits and before it can jump out, the pot is boiling and it's too late. Gives me the creeps just thinking about it.
Hopfully I'll jump out before its too late.
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