Life sucks the big one... and then it gets better:) posted 8/1/2009 10:38:32 PM | 19 kudos what's this?     report abuse

Snappygoddess

This past 10 months has been very emotional for me. Most days I deal with it amazingly well. I have kept my sense of humor, my positive and upbeat attitude and my ability to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

But some days... like all of you.. I just plain don't want to deal with certain things... like life in general! Going through surgery, chemo, and now finishing up radiation along with all of the "other" things that go with it all.. .has taken its toll on me. I have been emotional, bitchy, down and just blah feeling. Fatigue takes a lot out of me... messes with my reasoning and memory. Cancer treatments carry a LOT of side effects and these don't all end just because treatment does. I am told I will have some memory problems, tiredness and feelings of being down for some time.Depression has not been a big problem which is actually surprising but I am grateful for that.

Cancer changed me... changed my life.. my way of thinking, reacting and how I view myself and others. I find I am less tolerant of certain behaviors. I am still me but I am not still me.. if that makes sense. I didn't feel like this even when I went through menopause.

I look around me and watch how people behave in the world.. on here, in the news(which is depressing in itself) and people in my every day life. It never ceases to amaze me how people can be so cruel.. using biting words that are intended to sting and they do.. along with the damage they cause. I ask myself all the time..."Why do some have this driven need to just inflict misery on others?".... and of course there are no answers ...it just is.

Not to just dwell on the negative......there are some really good souls in this world too. I have met a handful on MD and they are the ones that consistently give me inspiration, courage and determination to stay on my path to wellness and living a better life. Thank goodness for the good souls

I left MD yesterday with a heavy heart and just feeling down.. not just because of some of the insanity here but because I see so much lack of sympathy for others that are hurting, for many reasons. I just get so fed up with the stupidity, ignorance, childishness and lack of caring that so many show. Maybe I am just too sensitive for a place like MD... sensitive.. not naive.. and not jaded.. just sensitive. Compassion is something I have a HUGE amount of but I am also wise enough to know when to not waste my compassion on someone who won't appreciate it.

I just cannot leave MD for long because there is so much good in it too. So many good people with good hearts... they are what keeps me here... along with the humor.. holy crapola.. some of you make me grin big time and the friendships I have developed over the last 7 yrs.. most of them within the past 3 yrs.

Sounds like I am rambling... I'd rather call it "cleansing".. and it really does help to get rid of the "crap in the head" and put it down in writing to read back to myself to see if it makes any more sense here then it does in my mind

Sometimes I just want to shake some people and scream at them "Please.. try living my life for a while and see if yours sucks more then you thought it did" but then I know that even though I have my moments of self pity.. I can ALWAYS find someone who has it much worse then I do and I feel humbled and shamed for giving into the pity parties.

I said all of the above to get to this.....when I leave MD for a break... no matter the amount of time....it is never because I am mad at anyone....anger is such a wasted emotion and I need all the energy I can get. I just get mind boggled and frustrated and am afraid of saying something offensive to someone who may be hurting and lashing out from it. I would rather watch what I say then have to apologize for it later.
Words really DO inflict pain and cannot be taken back. I take a break because my mind cannot wrap itself around how much pain some can inflict on others without any apparent remorse.

Call me one of the soft touches but the older I get the less I can tolerate fools, bullies and cruel people. When I leave this earth.. I want to be remembered as someone who cared and tried to make a difference in other lives... be it through my writings or through my living example. I have a wonderful husband, 4 children and 5 grandchildren and a handful of good friends that I want to remember me as a wife/mother/nanny/friend that never gave up at anything, including making the world a nicer place to be.

It makes me ticked when someone tells me I am "too" nice or naive or trusting. Just because someone has a good heart doesn't make them a pushover or a "goody two shoes". Just because I don't get on here and rant and rave or cuss someone out or put all of my personal business on here for all to see doesn't mean I am too nice....I just dont respond to a lot of the stuff I see on here because it's pointless to me. Just because I dont jump in and defend or add my thoughts to it.. doesn't mean it's okay with me. I try to choose my battles wisely and quite frankly there is no one here I really want to battle with. It's a wasted emotion behind the screen.

Ok.. I'm done....thanks for staying with me thus far. Thanks to the good souls who have supported me from day one....you know who you are

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Blogs by Snappygoddess: ~~ We lost a beautiful little soul~~ ~~My one and only~~ Back in the drivers seat! ~Today is not such a good day~ Reading: A simple pleasure Words for Women To Live By Ten months of a life changing journey Life sucks the big one... and then it gets better:) HE DID IT...AGAIN!! Why I believe people are STAYING on Matchdoctor!! Behind the scenes...getting zapped! Birthdays and Parent reflections... Beating the odds... I'm bored.. read my blog ( remind you of anyone?) LOL Proof that someone STILL wants to view my boob... When Life Gives You Silver... I challenge you!! Great News... "IT" has happened!! The Down/Up side of cancer and all that jazz....Part Two! The Down/ Up side to cancer and all that jazz! Part One The Fuzzies have struck!! He Did It!! My 2009, according to my zodiac sign Onto another chapter in this journey...