There's a wood fence between my neighbor's house and mine. It's fairly nondescript, just a divider between two yards. In a chat over the fence, my retired neighbor said that he would like to stain it. I told him I didn't see a problem with that as long as he did not stain it any color of red.
Forward two weeks, he called me back behind his garage where he had finished a few boards. You guessed it...red. You know the kind of red I'm talking about. Redwood deck red. I looked at him and was completely honest, "it's red! That kinda trailer trash red you see on decks." He said it didn't look red to him and I half wondered if he was color blind. I made clear I wasn't interested in seeing the rest of the fence that color.
Forward two days, he brought over a brochure with a number of stain samples and asked me to pick. I chose two extremely neutral beige colors...no hint of any other color...BEIGE.
One week later, I see paint on the fence. Green paint. Like a sage green. Crap. It's a nice color, but my house is kinda beige/gray...with maroon shutters. It simply doesn't match. However, one can't see it from the street at this point, as the small horizontal section of fence has yet to be painted. So, I've been keeping my eye out for him so that I could ask him to leave that part natural.
I got home this evening after a nice, relaxing boat ride with a group from church and saw him on his front porch. I approached him, saying that the fence looks nice, but not like the color(s) in the brochure at all. I asked him not to paint the horizontal section, that I would clear coat it myself. Well, this set him OFF. He said it was what I picked and then made comment about me calling him trailer trash!
WTF? My jaw dropped in disbelief. I said, "Whoa! I called that color trashy! I did not call YOU trash. I cannot believe you think that! I'm really surprised!" I then apologized profusely, never using the words "if, and or but." The whole incident STUNG me and I know it had to have stung him much more, thinking I called him trash! He did accept my apology and I hope that he saw my sincerity.
All of this has been a reality check for me...about what comes out of my mouth and of how it can be taken. Let me make clear that I do not condone what I said in any context. It wasn't the best way to communicate with my neighbor, especially considering that we barely know one another. He's undoubtedly made an unfavorable judgement of me, one that I may not be totally undeserving of.
At this point I don't know if the fence is mended or if it would be best to tear it down. Another one of those things on the long list of "time will tell." If anything, I'll heed this reminder of how not to communicate.
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justme836
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Aug 16 @ 8:57PM
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Who's property is the fence on? The person who owns it decides the color and does the work.
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Josuha
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Aug 16 @ 8:58PM
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The good thing about living in the mountains.
1.You have no neighbors
2. I use barbed wire to make sure I have no neighbors..
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Jalon
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Aug 16 @ 9:02PM
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It's my fence but it's technically on BOTH properties. He made an agreement with the previous owner about that! It also seems that if the fence were just left alone (as there's nothing wrong with it) this could have been avoided. Or...I could just say something stupid at another time. 
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chevymn
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Aug 16 @ 9:10PM
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Guess you learned the hard way about using the words "like" or "as". You might want to check local laws regarding the fence. I know up here each county has different veiws. Moms county states that land is land, where as the county I live in says if the fence has been there x amount of years then the property belongs to whoevers side overshot the boundry..
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robpete
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Aug 16 @ 9:14PM
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This is a great lesson in communication. You didn't mean anything offensive but he took something you said and let it fester in his mind. Its interesting that he didn't seem to get your point about what color you wanted it. It appears his memory isn't all that clear. hmmm
The important thing is you apologized. You did the right thing and tried your best to explain that you didn't mean anything personal toward him. He may still let things fester but you did what you needed to do. If he still holds bad feelings there may be something else at play that has nothing to do with you.
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bluewind37
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Aug 16 @ 9:29PM
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My backyard is fenced...one side of the fence is chain link....which is my neighbors because his whole yard is chain link. But I've got the other 3 sides that are wood...my neighbor behind me paints his side of the fence every spring...what color, I do not know because as long as he isn't painting my side of the fence...I don't care. Way I see it....he has to look at it, not me. My other neighbor to the side...she's like me...doesn't paint her side. I don't paint on my side because I've got 5 dogs, and it wouldn't last a week with them. Seriously.
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Loreli
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Aug 16 @ 9:44PM
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Tell him to paint his own side, and you'll paint yours 
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ttomtarr
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Aug 16 @ 9:45PM
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It looks like a question of priorities. I believe I would put them this way:
1 Getting along with good neighbor.
2 Beautifying the fence.
I believe I would tell him that what he did was an improvemant, and keep the degree of improvement to myself.
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DubiouslyDoubtful
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Aug 16 @ 10:21PM
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The fence, who owns it, and who is responsible for its upkeep, is so far removed from the heart of this story as to be laughable -- except that this lady is hurting by the use of a couple of words that caused a rift between her and her neighbor; and that is never a laughing matter.
I'm old enough to remember when neighbors were as important as family; when they shared activities, joys and sorrows, and were an integral part of neighborhood security -- we all watched out for one another, and helped in times of need.
Jalon is right to feel badly about this misunderstanding, albeit a simple mistake on her part; and she's right about questioning whether there is time to mend the fence (the rift between them), or tear the "fence" down.
My vote is to "mend the fence"; if you tear it down it might be too easy to pretend it never existed... It's nice to know that you have a heart, Jalon; let the old man next door see it from his "side of the fence".
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Fender
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Aug 16 @ 10:47PM
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Oh lordy, I have a neighbor who only mowed their lawn once since summer started...Oops, wait, they didn't mow their own lawn, my other neighbor did because they were fed up of the way it was making the area look.
...All I can say is I hope it works out...For some reason when my house was built next to hers, they put the driveways side by side, no fence...I hate it...Her house looks like crap, mine is taken care of.
Best of luck to you. It's hard dealing with people you don't really know when you don't want to insult them but are trying to be "real".
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SpiritOrnery
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Aug 17 @ 12:15AM
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I'm with Lori! 
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Always_Striving
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Aug 17 @ 1:30AM
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Jalon > 
I was going to respond the same way that Loreli did, so I agree with her response.
I think that if some mystery person were to come to your house, ring your door bell and run away leaving a paperbag lit on fire with dog poo inside of it (just to have the pleasure of watching you open your door and frantically stamp it out) then you can probably guess who might have left it there.
Mend It or Tear it Down?
Mend It.
BTW, I think that your neighbors are somehow blood related to mine. 
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SweetKalena
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Aug 17 @ 10:01AM
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Mending Wall by:Robert Frost
Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it,
And spills the upper boulders in the sun,
And makes gaps even two can pass abreast.
The work of hunters is another thing:
I have come after them and made repair
Where they have left not one stone on a stone,
But they would have the rabbit out of hiding,
To please the yelping dogs. The gaps I mean,
No one has seen them made or heard them made,
But at spring mending-time we find them there.
I let my neighbor know beyond the hill;
And on a day we meet to walk the line
And set the wall between us once again.
We keep the wall between us as we go.
To each the boulders that have fallen to each.
And some are loaves and some so nearly balls
We have to use a spell to make them balance:
'Stay where you are until our backs are turned!'
We wear our fingers rough with handling them.
Oh, just another kind of out-door game,
One on a side. It comes to little more:
There where it is we do not need the wall:
He is all pine and I am apple orchard.
My apple trees will never get across
And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.
He only says, 'Good fences make good neighbors'.
Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder
If I could put a notion in his head:
'Why do they make good neighbors? Isn't it
Where there are cows?
But here there are no cows.
Before I built a wall I'd ask to know
What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offence.
Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That wants it down.' I could say 'Elves' to him,
But it's not elves exactly, and I'd rather
He said it for himself. I see him there
Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top
In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed.
He moves in darkness as it seems to me~
Not of woods only and the shade of trees.
He will not go behind his father's saying,
And he likes having thought of it so well
He says again, "Good fences make good neighbors."
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indecipherable
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Aug 17 @ 11:13AM
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I would have looked at some woodstain samples WITH the neighbor, and come to an agreement on what suits you both. Using the "trailer trash" comment was pretty harsh, and I probably would have been insulted, too. But apologizing was smart. It's best to tread lightly.
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