Made it though another year... posted 9/7/2009 5:36:54 PM | 6 kudos what's this?     report abuse

beckyiv42000

This is the week I dread all yearlong.. its the anniversary of the loss of three very important people in my life...My mom.. My Bro Eddie..and my Cousin Lilian...

As this week approached I could feel the sense of loss growing.. I was being drawn away .. out of myself.. into a dreamlike trance.. this is my way to handle pain.. when I am physically hurting ..instead of popping some pills I more often than not just go to sleep...So I can understand the why I was in a daze for the past few weeks.. losing these people was hurting me PHYSICALLY...again..

I warned Mac and a few others that I might get weird or seem off for a few weeks.. Im not sure of how I was really... or how I still am... acting.. all I know is I hurt .. deep down inside I hurt .. I miss my mom so much ... I miss my brother and my cousin... they all chose to leave me during the same week . albeit years apart .. I think maybe its a good thing .. that way only a few weeks out of my year am I a total loss.,.. This year tho I tried so very hard to NOT let it get to me .. burying my emotions deep... I did not want to seem weak to my family or my Mac.. so I kinda just TURNED OFF...and of course since I was trying to remain upbeat and calm... things tried to make sure Id not be able to do so..but I kept trying and I think I pulled it off...from my oldest and her hubby and furbabaies staying with me til her house closes to my son who NEVER gets sick calling me from football practice needing to be picked up .. he was out of it fever coughing etc etc.. I was scared last time he got this sick he almost died from a burst appendix so yeah I was panicking... all the while he was beggin to go back to school.. he is so afraid of being cut from the football team.. .. so all week he has been going up and down with the fever the coughing etc.. till on Friday I go to call him into school and am told that he will need a doctors note to be readmitted to school okay so of course his primary has no appts available so I had to take him to Urgent Care.. this is not so bad except that after a few days of NO pain in my hip sitting in the hard chairs for hours in the waiting room brought it back with a vengeance anyways he gets meds antibiotics and ibuprofen and cough syrup the first two yeah ..no problems but this man/child HATES cough syrup so every time is a PIA to get him to take it then yesterday my faucet decided to basically break lucky me tho I had the receipt and warranty Mac took me to get the replacement and helped me get it in.. all the while Mac was trying to get sick too and I wasn't feeling too hot but Im the mom gotta keep going yanno?? And then the situation with my niece in the hospital is so uncertain..its got me on edge there too ..
Anyways there is something I NEED to do .. I need to cry .. I know this but I just don't want to spread this SAD i have building in me ... I guess maybe after the kids go off to work and school tomorrow and I have the house to myself kinda ...I can find the time.. I know that until I do I will be feeling kinda ... out there .. I need to cry to get all the hurt out...and get back to being ME... Ill be really happy when this week is over

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Blogs by beckyiv42000: Where has all the religion gone?? Last Game... Just some ponderings... The Times of our Lives .. part threeeeeee Whew!!!! The times of our lives .. part dos The times of our lives... Made it though another year... the weekend from hell..... Just need to clear something up.. Up down Up down!! Happy Anniversary ... to us An Amazing weekend!! Missing you.. Today I cried for a mother... I said yes... A year of wonder Why??? On edge... I sat and pondered... the stars shine so brightly... To MY dad...Clair... I called her the C word ... (warning not a nice blog) MD the BAR... HAPPY VALENTINES DAY EVERYONE!!!!