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A SPECIAL MESSAGE TO OUR STOCKHOLDERS !
Octopus International Issurance Concludes Alliance With AOL and an Overseas Partner
As CEO and Chairman of the Board of Octopus International Insurance Co, Inc, - the global leader in providing steady income to healthcare investors - I am proud to announce that our corporation has taken several aggressive, proactive steps to end America's healthcare crisis. These changes will better able Octopus to provide a higher quality of life to our stockholders and corporate executives.
(1) As of 9 AM, on September 9, 2009 (9/9/9) our corporation no longer uses the words "sickness" "disease" "accident" or "illness in any of its policies or advertising. Henceforth, "health issues" replaces these terms. The no longer utilized words had negative connotations that made our policyholders think that the solutions to their health issues were through professional healthcare providers. The new term recognizes the reality that most policy owners can fix themselves up without filing a claim against their insurance. HOL replaces all group and individual policies held by Octopus International clientale.
(2) We, at Ocopus International, have know for a long time that the vast majority of claims on our policies are due to doctors, nurses, hospital stays and medicine. Get rid of these unnecessary expenditures, and healthcare profits will grow dramatically. Therefore, Octopus International has entered a joint venture with AOL and V. Raspanutri, Limited of Calcutta, India to create "Health On Line" (HOL) the ultimate way to stop spiraling medical costs. Our policyholders will be able to contact specially trained customer service representives in Calcutta, 24 hours a day, seven days a week for solutions to their healthcare issues. Advanced computer technology enables our customer reps to reply with canned phrases without even having a working knowledge of English!
The program has been operating experimentally in Findley, Ohio for the past six months - with great success. Eighty-seven percent of our policyholders either died or voluntarily dropped their policies before we were required to pay health issue costs. The following is a transcript of a case handled by customer rep. Veejah Singh.
Sincerely Yours,
James C. Lovegood, CEO and Chairman of the Board
Good Morning MrsJones1978! Welcome to Health On Line! How may I help you?
I understand you to say that you have been shot in the belly by a mugger and are laying on the street, bleeding to death. Is that correct? I also understand you to say that you have been waiting for a techncial support technician for an hour, and your laptop computer cellular phone's battery is about to go out? Is that correct? I also understand you to say that the ambulance will not take you to the hospital without an authorization from your insurance company case manager. Is that correct?
First of all, on behalf of Octopus International Health Insurance Company, Health On Line and myself, I want you to know that we feel your pain. We wish you a very speedy recovery from your health issue. We also wish your family success and happiness in the New Year. I am sorry that you had to wait for an technician, but that must be a problem with your internet provider, AOL. I am now sending you a link to AOL Customer Service. Also, unfortunately, inadequate maintenance of a cellular phone battery is not the legal responsibility of our company. I will now give you the link to a web site that deals with battery issues.
No? What did you say? Go to HOL? Well, unfortunately, the term "shot in the belly" is too imprecise for our technical specialists to provide the proper link to our Self Fix On-line Library. Please telephone our North American case manager during normal office hours,and provide him or her the following information. (1) When were you shot? (2) What caliber bullet is in you? (3) What specific organs have been damaged? (4) What is the estimated quantity of blood that is now outside your body and on the street? I should remind you that your policy contract specifically states that any blood leaving your body becomes the property of our subsidiary, Bloodsuckers International, so we also need your GPS coordinates so that the blood may be sucked up.
Hello? MrsJones1968 . . . are you still online? I must warn you that failure to respond to a customer service representative within 10 seconds will automatically result in termination of our connection. Hello?
Note: Your connection with HOL techincal support has been terminated. You may resubmit your guestion to a trained Health Issues Techncian after a 60 minute wait. Thank you for using HOL!
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