a friend sent this to me,,,, I just had to share !!!!!! 
When I was a child the bathing suit for
the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced,
not so much sewn as engineered.
They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for
the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice -
she can either go up front to the maternity department
and try on a floral suit with a skirt,
coming away looking like a hippopotamus
who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or
she can wander around every run of the mill
department store trying to make a sensible
choice from what amounts to a designer
range of florescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have?
I wandered around, made my sensible choice
and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.
The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile
strength of the stretch material.
The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed,
I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot,
which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually
lever yourself into one, you are
protected from shark attacks as
any shark taking a swipe at your passing
midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit,
but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place,
I gasped in horror - my boobs had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit.
It took a while to find the other.
At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.
The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs
spread across her chest like a speed bump.
I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward
the mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fit all right,
but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me
willing to stay inside it.
The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top,
bottom, and sides.
I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from,
the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain,
'Oh, there you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look
like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which
gave the appearance of an
oversized napkin in a serving ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers
with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane,
pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.
I tried on a black number
with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.
I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg
I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fit...
a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.
It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly,
so I bought it.
My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got home, I found a label which read --
'Material might become transparent in water'.
So, if you happen to be on the beach or
near any other body of water this year and I'm there too,
I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!
You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time.
Life isn't about how to survive the storm,
but how to dance in the rain.
Copy & paste to friend: (Click inside box; Ctrl + C to copy; Ctrl + V to paste)
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read more blogs!
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gunn12fan
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Sep 27 @ 11:05PM
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sphynxsmile
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Sep 27 @ 11:10PM
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Good one, thanks !
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Heart2Heart453
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Sep 28 @ 12:29AM
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I know just how she feels...I have to laugh when they shout "Call Greenpeace I've just spotted a beached whale"....if they only knew. And there sort of lies the problem...you can't get exercise because you can't find a suit and you can't find a suit cause you can't get exercise because you can't find a suit cause...phew, I'm dizzy
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travelwoman
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Sep 28 @ 12:29AM
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I've read it before.... but I think I'll never tire of this one.
It is just toooooooooooooo darn good.... 
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mystery2u888
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Sep 28 @ 1:28AM
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 I love it good one gf you have great jokes
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musicianfriend
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Sep 28 @ 3:03AM
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I fought my way into the bathing suit,
but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place,
I gasped in horror - my boobs had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit.
It took a while to find the other.
At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.
The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs
spread across her chest like a speed bump.
I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward
the mirror to take a full view assessment.
That part just cracked me up..BEEN THERE...DONE THAT!
Yep...no cups...looks like a freaking speed bump...NOT COMFORTABLE AT ALL!
Yep...cut offs an a tank top or bathing suit top work just fine..
Although I did find a cute Hawaiian suit..Red with white flowers...it actually looks like a short dress. and is rather cute....and it has cups..lol..boobs all in the right place...and it doubles as a swim suit...dual purpose..Perfect tourist swim suit..you dont have to bring extra clothes....lol
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msjo62064
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Sep 28 @ 7:41AM
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 alright i want to know who watched me try on bathing suits this past spring. They described how I feel when I tried some one. 
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Fender
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Sep 28 @ 8:09AM
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snidegrass
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Sep 28 @ 9:53AM
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fascinating. i used the code of ala mode to decode it.
would you like to help sheryl smith out today?
there was smith brothers cough drops
and snuffy smith, a cartoon character.
ah yes, itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini.
one of the first pop songs i remember, except
for, 'i ain't nothin but a hound dog'.
i saw elvis at rite aid last week. he had a four
seasons type driver, in a giant white limo.
big meetin of international crime lords goin
on at the quails inn. lake san narcos.
lotsa fishy stuff goin on.
'how to stuff a wild bikini'.
annette was so pleasant, funicello.
i don't think i ever saw her in a bikini.
one piece suits are fine. i am not hercules.
some of these guys play volleyball with volvos
at muscle beach, venice, ca. that girl wet t-shirt
just really gave every man within 200 parsecs
a real rise. remember her.
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leprichaun_magic
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Sep 28 @ 8:14PM
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,,funny :) 
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