Please don't think you can...
Just when you think your ahead of the game it seems "life" has a different way for you
to run. Right at this day/minute/second of my life I want to smack the s*it out of it.
Yep me--you know "me" I am the one everybody sees as a sweet, kind, gentle person that
wouldn't hurt a fly. Well guess what right now I am mad as hell and I am screaming from
the top of my lungs...I have had enough...I have done all I can to keep positive
keep believing that everything will be great.
Well its not...I can pray and have faith as long as its not for my family..oh don't get me
wrong I will always keep praying for my family but my faith is being tested and I feel
my prayers are just hanging around somewhere and I don't know where.
On my outside you will see my smiles,poems,jokes,laughter but you cant see my inside. Inside
I am like a crazy person, my mind is going in a thousand different directions,both my children
need, my mother needs me, my brother needs me yet no matter how hard I try I cant give them
what they need.
This is where I worry about saying all the things I have to deal with because I don't want
anyone here to think that all I do is whine about my life...the most important thing for me
to do right now is write like mad..for me to be able to write it I then can release it..I
hope some of you can understand what I am trying to say. I have no one to talk to..I cant
talk with my Mom because she cant handle any more. I write and write and write..the funny
thing is I write on everything, if it has a blank spot I write on it.
Our phone rang early this morning..the doctor calling, as some of you already know my brother
the only sibling I have left has Hep-C from I.V. drug use..well his platelet count is very low
yet the virus itself seems to be undetectable hmmmm strange so she wanted to do a few different
blood tests and this morning she told us she is getting him into a cancer center. OK.....
I will focus on my daughters surgery in the morning...and deal the best way I can..kick life's
ass when I need to...........
And so I write because I know I cant outrun Life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A song by Third Day
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| ~~Out Running Life~~And I Write~~ |
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gunn12fan
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Sep 28 @ 7:57PM
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Good blog!!!!!!!!!!!! You just do what you can and hang in there Were here if you ever need us
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lazareth
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Sep 28 @ 7:59PM
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ya know... that saying that " God never gives ya more than you can handle" .. well, thats bull shite....
Sometimes you just can't handle it all. And shite happens.. it happens to good people.
I wish I were there with you just so you could knock the crap outof me just so you can get it out of your system.... Hugs are great, but sometimes they just ain't enough.
Honey... I know the feeling....
Get outside... scream.... pound the ground and shake your fist to the sky... and then cry..
It's what I did when Laz died.
Did it change the outcome?.... Nope...
Did I feel better?
Briefly
But I didn't feel like fighting the pain anymore.... I didn't have the energy or the inclination... so I just let the hurt wash over me... it was all I could do..
After that... one day at a time..
wanna beat me up verbally since I cant be there for ya?...
I can take it... cause I love ya
I would give ya a hug but that would be hypocritical of me... so I'm just gonna pinch ya...
Now.... go scream... please
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Jacksonboy
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Sep 28 @ 8:13PM
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I agree with Laz, sometimes life is just too much. After a few fits why not go climb up into Jesus's lap and tell him about it. 
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butterfly943
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Sep 28 @ 8:26PM
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Laz...Ok now I will thank you...you have touched my heart with your words...you understand..I feel that you do...I wish you knew just how important what you said is to me...I have screamed...cussed....cried and I fell down on my knees no one knows how very hard life can be unless you've been there too...not only is my daughter so much on my mind but now my brother...you see he is my only sibling..I lost the other three way to early...I cant talk with Mom of my fears because they are hers too...I am so sick of all the pain my family has been through...sometimes I cant breathe because of my fears..they are very real and I understand why I have them...I am dealing the best way I know how...so Thank you...I love you too  and now I will pinch the crap outta ya 
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MrPaul
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Sep 28 @ 9:38PM
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Hang in there dear Lynn, You are NEVER alone  I think I can Fly  I BELIEVE
When all looks amiss
And nobody seems to care,
When life seems intolerable
And nothing looks fair,
God, I find in you, my solace
I believe you would liberate me
Of my forever rising qualms
And make me blithe as blithe can be.
When life looks a tortuous path
With no one leading ahead,
When deceitful people besiege around,
And fill me up with horror and dread,
God, I find in you, my friend
I believe you would protect me
From the atrocious folks
And make me as exultant as exultant can be.
When fear grips over tight
And threaten to agonize time and again,
When all hope seems lost
And all looks futile and vain,
God, I find in you, my hero
I believe you would bestow me
With faith and optimism
And make me as triumphant as triumphant can be.
When hurt and betrayal are on large
All I hear is my faults and quibble,
When my views seem inapt
And ignorance is not possible,
God, I find in you, my savior
I believe you would save me
From all evil in the world
And make me as robust as robust can be.
Make me yours and I will be
A present of sorrows deprive
I believe you are always here
And this belief keeps me alive.
God Awnsers prayers 
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butterfly943
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Sep 28 @ 9:46PM
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Thank you Paul...you have been here for me without a doubt...and thank you for the songs too..great ones now I need to pinch you too
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butterfly943
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Sep 28 @ 10:01PM
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Jason...you are a very sweet man but I tell you that all the time..you just need to believe it
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butterfly943
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Sep 28 @ 10:03PM
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Jacksonboy...I do Give your Momma a hug and kiss from me
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sybnann
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Sep 28 @ 10:29PM
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I also know how you feel dear Lynn,.... I just have not been able to bring myself to scream.  Mom would have me locked up or something.. so instead... I get quiet or get crying. 
I agree with you too that at times Life is just too much to handle, much less handle ALONE!! OH I know... God is there and we are never quite alone... but at times he seems SO quiet, no matter what happens, so we FEEL alone anyway.
Writing is a HUGE help! I would have died inside without it... many, many, times!
Take good care, my friend....
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butterfly943
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Sep 28 @ 10:39PM
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Sybil....I do KNOW YOU KNOW what im talking about...im blessed to have 2 dogs a bird and a BIG YARD and I love when it rains that way I can walk scream and cry heck no one can see the tears ...thank you
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summerbreeze916
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Sep 28 @ 11:39PM
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Dear Lynn...I am so sorry to know that you are going through so much right now. I honestly wish I could carry some of this burden for you. I would surely do so, and I hope you know that I would. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
The song was beautiful.....and I can answer one of those questions. How long is the road? It is as long as we live here on earth........and beyond. At times, the road is well traveled and smooth, making our walks down it so much easier. At other times, the road is bumpy and full of potholes, making our walks down it rough and treacherous. But when we trip and fall.....we get back up and keep moving forward, praying that soon we will stumble once again onto that smoother road. And we shall........ 
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hpylady_
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Sep 29 @ 12:12AM
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sweetie you can't be all things to all people .. even family ... we make ourselves sick worrying and that doesn't do anyone any good... things don't always turn out the way we wish they would but we have no control .. we have to just put it all in Gods hands and let him handle it and I don't understand everything .. but someday I will. Most people who know me say I worry .. but to me it's not worry .. to me it's thinking .. I put the problem out there and then I let God tell me what to do .. and he always does .. sometimes it's 4 am and I wake up and I write it down just like you do... then I can sleep .. 
Even in the craziness he is still in control .. he's the only one who can make good out of bad and something out of nothing .
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gunn12fan
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Sep 29 @ 1:14AM
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I do believe it! that is a promice
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butterfly943
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Sep 29 @ 1:35AM
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I sit here and reread your comments and I guess no one can really know im telling the truth but I am telling each one of you just how much your prayers, words, and love mean to me...life is hard for many of us..we do whats right or what we believe is right and sometimes s*it still happens...I cant sleep ..my baby will be heading to the hospital in 3 hours..there is nothing more in life right now that I want but to be with her..to hold her..to kiss her..to be there when she wakes up...but I as much as I want to be I cant be...its a hurt so deep inside and theres not a damn thing I can do except wait...I tell myself every second that she will be fine...yet it doesn't comfort me inside..I did talk to her at 9pm and told her how much I love her..and how I wanted to be with her...then I asked her why she wasn't inn bed yet...her answer was...Mom im eating because I cant eat after midnight...my Child is such a brat Thank you all for putting up with a Mothers insanity
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gunn12fan
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Sep 29 @ 1:48AM
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This is what were here for! To be here for you!!!!
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hpylady_
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Sep 29 @ 1:54AM
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 see Mom your worrying and she's eating .. she's thinking in the moment and your thinking beyond .. what may happen...
she's taking one thing at a time ..
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oct_cat
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Sep 29 @ 7:36AM
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I'll probably get some flack, some rolled eyes, some "damn oct_cat to hell" thoughts for what I'm about to write, but I don't care because to me you are all people sitting & typing on computers, just as I am; I am no one in particular to any of you, I am just a human being.
When a person is in a constant struggle within themselves trying to be everything to everyone yet that person's own inner problems are not being addressed . . . well that's a tough situation. I've had days like those in the past year. I can't speak for butterfly, but speaking for myself, that last thing I'd want to hear is "You're in my thoughts and/or prayers". Do you really think that's all it takes to help make a person feel better??  It is so easy to type those words . . . so easy that they soon become empty & useless.
Lynn, I know you don't know me from adam (whoever the heck that is) but when its one of those frustrating days & all you feel like doing is letting yourself fall into a lump on the floor & cry til there's nothing left, do it. And when the tears are dried up & all that's left are red eyes & a nose full of snot, focus on yourself. Here's what I do: I make a cup of hot chocolate (soothing to me), sit on the couch, turn the tv on to a comedy, & I spend some time laughing. I don't think about anything except what I am watching. And after an hour or two, my body feels renewed & ready for any future battles.
So I'm not gonna sit here & gush "I'm thinking of you, you're in my prayers, & that other nonsense. I told you what works for me, maybe it'll work for you.
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dizzydoll
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Sep 29 @ 9:09AM
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as long as you are writing the good things that you expect to come.... they will, it takes time to reprogram your thinking to you wishes. Have faith, they will all come... it takes time for the good energy to be returned. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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butterfly943
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Sep 29 @ 2:09PM
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oct_cat Thank you for commenting we all deal with things differently..trust me I scream, cuss, yell, blame, heck you name it Ive done it....but for my healing I pray and no I may not get the answers Im looking for at that time but it helps me..I also read..write..walking..reach out...your right about sometimes when a person says im praying for you it can be empty words but I will take any prayers and good wishes I can get...what I do find that helps me is reading a persons words or private emails..are they always truthful? I don't really care because it being peace to me...Thank you again
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butterfly943
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Sep 29 @ 2:16PM
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dizzydoll Thank you...and keep smacking me with it I know I keep thinking of the bad things when my thoughts should be on the good stuff Your so smart so keep telling me until I get it right
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kywonder
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Sep 29 @ 9:23PM
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Oh Lynn, I am so sorry. I do understand, I really do. My sister is battling for her life and I just stand by because the only thing I can do is to be there for her. We have been in the emergency room two days in a row because she can't quit vomiting and the headaches are blinding.
I would give everything my friend, just to be able to comfort you through this trial time of life that you are going through. I love ya and I know that you will be ok.
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