I'd like to thank someone for giving me the courage to face my past and confront this issue. Even though she and I are no longer friends, I will always be grateful for her and the inner strength she gave me.
Now on to the offensive part...
It's been 21 years since I stopped all your bullshit
21 long f***ing years yet I still feel your hands hit
Smacking me around like I was your rented mule
Swinging your fists, turning your own kids black and blue
I bet you can't remember the first swing that you did
But I guarantee you remember the last time you hit a kid
Lying on the floor when your ass finally came to
Looking up at your son seeing that he can bring tears too
But see that's the difference between you and me
The monster you were and the monster I tried to be
You enjoyed seeing terror in someone else's eyes
And for me that look still sends chills down my spine
Now it's two decades later and my life has changed
I did something with my life, in spite of the pain
And now that you're all alone with one foot in the grave
You're asking for forgiveness, for all the pain that you gave
Do you remember my sister, how you swung with both fists
On her back as she cried out, in tears and anguish
Did it make you feel tough, did it make you feel strong
To pound a little girl until she cried out to you mom
Word is you need a hand now you might be poor
Your bills are piling up and your job went out the door
You think I give a damn if your ass is flat broke
Go try a pity party on someone that you didn't choke
You never gave a damn about me
That was plain for all to see
Now you want some money
Shut your f***ing mouth
Sitting here with a little boy, hope in his eyes
Lying next to him is a paper saying that he might be mine
I don't know if he is, but I know one thing is for sure
Hell will freeze over before he has to endure
A sick f***ing cycle that almost turned me into you
A life nearly destroyed by all of your issues
I may not be perfect but I'll give it my best
To make sure when he closes his eyes that he can rest
Without worry or fear that mommy or daddy will come
To start swinging out the anger for a life come undone
I'll love that little boy more than you ever loved me
But you will never see him to taint what he can be
You never gave a damn about me
That was plain for all to see
Now you want some sympathy
Shut your f***ing mouth
Do you remember way back when when I was ten
Someone called social services on you for your shit
They came and walked around for a little bit
When they left you got red and you threw a fit
You cracked two of my ribs that day
But what your crazy ass never gave me a chance to say
Was I didn't call them, not because of you
But I knew in the end it would just mean more abuse
They say to forgive is divine, and that all in time
The past can be forgotten, that is a lie
I might just be crazy, angry and wild
Just like you screamed out when I was a child
But I'm not what you are, I know I'm better than that
The monster inside me is dead that's a fact
So go on with your chatter, lying every day
Saying what I have is because of you and your parenting ways
You never gave a damn about me
That was plain for all to see
Now I'm asking pretty please
Shut your f***ing mouth
Copy & paste to friend: (Click inside box; Ctrl + C to copy; Ctrl + V to paste)
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| Caution, possibly offensive material inside |
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SpiritOrnery
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Oct 6 @ 2:46AM
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Hell yeah, darlin! I know what you mean. BEEN there, had that done to me too. No, Kjac, so very NOT offensive and don't worry about forgiving her or helping her. What she needs, she will receive. My abuse was nothing like yours but I do understand the striving to NOT BE HER!
Oh, yeah. Keep on keepin on. We know you are a good man. And good luck and lots of happy times in the future for you and the possibilities of your own son! How about that!   
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dizzydoll
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Oct 6 @ 3:13AM
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thanks for sharing, both of you (spirit too).
they say time heals all wounds... thats true if you take the time 
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DRACULA_VwV
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Oct 6 @ 3:37AM
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I was a masochistic child, I'm a masochistic motherfvcker, absorb it, absorb it, keep taking the pain, until a numbness transcends across your whole being, Then with a psychotic smile, relish the moment before unleashing fury that nothing on earth can contain, then walk away from all the dead bodies, I love my little monster that I've made in me.
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RightWingRepublican
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Oct 6 @ 8:17AM
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  I wish i could hug you right now.
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eastham
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Oct 6 @ 9:01AM
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Oh kjac, I'm so very sorry you had to endure such a horrific childhood. Hugs from me, too.
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Wing_Zero_75
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Oct 6 @ 9:07AM
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Im glad to see your back in the blog circuit again.
I dont even know what to say......type.
Sometimes its hard not to become the monster. Thats part of the reason I dont want kids. If I ever lost my temper and went after them with a belt........ I would shoot myself right then and there. My sister has followed what my mother did and is doing the same to her children. I could never hurt a child like my mother did to me, but the fear is still there. I cannot remember the first time I was hit because it happened a couple times a day. She used a belt because she didnt like hurting her hands.
As lond as you are vigilant, history will not repeat itself.
Good blog.
Larry
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funisnumber1
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Oct 6 @ 10:06AM
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THAT is superb writing. I'm humbled by what you've overcome, and support your feelings not to allow someone in your life that created a nightmare for you. They say people change. Well good, I'm so glad for them, and this affects ME how?
Keep walking straight ahead, and don't look back at her, for both you AND that little boy.
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southernlass
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Oct 6 @ 10:10AM
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I'm so glad the cycle will stop with you, Kjac, because the cycle is often ingrained due to the severity of the abuse. I know the hell you speak of. If you ever need to reach out to a professional to ask for help due to your past, please realize that you won't be the first and you won't be the last. Those who have been severely abused are often in and out of therapy for years. It's an ongoing battle to get past it and there is no shame in this.
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Tiramisu4u
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Oct 6 @ 10:11AM
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Oh crap, Kjac...I have read several blogs already...but yours will stay with me all day.. 
I have worked for a long time with Children of Abuse, and each story rips me apart.
This story is far from offensive...it is a reality in todays world, moreso, because people are talking about it instead of keeping it hidden.
I wish I could erase those memories from your mind...NO ONE should have to remember a childhood like that! 
Bless your heart...you have come a long way
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dizzydoll
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Oct 6 @ 10:56AM
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mystery2u888
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Oct 6 @ 11:29AM
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kjac..........
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Tunes4u
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Oct 6 @ 12:04PM
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Not offensive in the least.....
The word Courageous comes to mind.....
~*~
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CHARLIgurl1
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Oct 6 @ 12:11PM
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What an awful childhood you had, Im so sorry.
My ex had a similar time, and was even dropped off at a boarding school when he was 10 and didnt even know where he was. The boarding school was a strict British school where he endured even more torture.
He had some councelling later in life, and hes let his past go now, he'll never forget of course, but hes not angry any more.
I hope there will be a time for you too when you will remember, but be be distanced from it.
Hugs.
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kattsmeow
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Oct 6 @ 2:39PM
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 Words fail me, accept my hand and hug instead.
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Sweetheart83446
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Oct 6 @ 3:44PM
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Awe, Ken...
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BandTMom
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Oct 6 @ 5:36PM
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Luv ya, K.
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texasgirl8585
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Oct 6 @ 8:02PM
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It sounds like she had mental problems. Trust me, the only way you will get past this is to forgive her. That doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with her or even like her. But it's doing you more harm than the abuse did to harbor bitterness. If you can't do it, ask God to do it thru you. It works. When I had to forgive my ex son-in-law for beating my daughter on a regular basis, including when she was 9 months pregnant, I had to do this. That's how I know it works, It's very cathartic.
Big hug.
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Merchitown
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Oct 7 @ 1:21PM
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Funny how they always seem to what something from you when they're dying. I got that call. I did go back and I listened to the half-truths, the manipulations pile around me and as I left, I literally had to sit in my car and reorient my thinking. I could feel myself wanting so much for that shit to be true. Of course it wasn't. I'm not sure I really forgave, I just had to not care. There are moments when I do and the tears of rage flood through, overwhelming me, and then they subside again.
I haven't written about it, and I thank you for reading yours, maybe I won't have to go there. I'd rather not.
~*~
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SpiritOrnery
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Oct 8 @ 1:06AM
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Wing, I too refused to have children because of my fear of being an abuser. By the time I knew I was finally ok, I went into menopause. *shrug*
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LipGlossQueen9
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Oct 8 @ 11:19AM
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I just finally read this. *hug*
It's not offensive at all.
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sybnann
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Oct 8 @ 4:29PM
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I just read this too. Sorry it took me a while. I am also So sorry that you had to endure this from your mother. I DO know how you feel although my mom was not the MAIN abuser... she did do her share however.
In my case, I chose to forgive,... mostly because it was best for ME to do so, and I am still glad that I did. I am not saying that everyone can or would do that... just that I did. I also understand in your case, from what you have said, why you are upset that now... what seems like suddenly... your mother is asking for help from you.
I wish you the best, and if you ever want to just talk to someone that knows, please talk to me. For me at least, that always seems to help.
Hugs
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sweetblueyedarling
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Oct 12 @ 1:35AM
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Wing Zero 75...if your sister is abusing her kids and you are not reporting her...you are as guilty as she.
Great blog kjac...I am sooooo proud of you. Wish you had been my kid. You would still be getting spoiled...I could adopt ya??
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