In my pursuit of self over the last few years, it has been brought to my attention, through my studies, how my behavior of some 10-12 years ago has affected not only my life, but others as well. Those I love mainly. I am not speaking of the obvious pain and sadness....I speak of things that are not things.
The poor decisions I made back then, although so carefully thought out, were based on a deception so carefully disguised even I...the all knowledgeable and wise leader of my family didn't see it coming. It was complete, and permanent. Just like they said it would be.
I really thought I was justified.That's the thing about it isn't it? I totally believed what I was doing was for the best of all of us.
That eventually we would all understand and realize it was the right thing to do. I was completely convinced.
The question I failed to examine closely enough was, " Who's best was I considering?" But I remember thinking I will think about that part later. Sometimes I wish I would think a little harder about the things I think about.
Well...I have come to realize...my vision was temporal... narrow and short sighted. I had my interests at heart. I had no vision of the eternal and spiritual consequences, nor of the effect on not only my life, but others. Including those who weren't even here yet. Some of them still aren't here, and will have to deal with it when they do get here. I was missing an important piece of information. A piece that would have changed everything.
Had I know then, what I know now.....I believe I would have made a different choice. At least that is my prayer. I hope I am a better man now than I was then....at least better learned. I have not stopped gathering information. I am beginning to understand and see a much larger picture. Damn...it really isn't just all about me.  Who woulda thunk?
Which is why I have been so careful over the last few years.
I can not afford to make the same mistake again. And I won't either. Not if I can help it. But hey....I never dreamed it was a mistake in the first place. It was, though. I was weak. And blinded. It was all so plain to see, and yet?
I am pretty sure I will not do that again....but! Have no fear! I will find some other way to mess things up. I am a man, after all.
I write all of this...to try to say how sorry I am.
I am sorry I let you all down. Mom...Dad...everyone.
I am sorry I was so weak.
I am sorry I was blind.
I am sorry......
Thankfully.....I have been forgiven by the One that matters most.
That I do know, although still don't quite fully take it in. I will though because I know it is real.
Forgiving myself has been a journey, let me tell you.
I am getting there, and that is really what this letter is all about. To let you know, that I know of the pain I caused. I know the harm my actions brought to your undeserving doorsteps.
It is life on the planet. And I wish I could change some things. I really do. There are some things I most certainly would do different given another chance.
But I guess that is not the way it works.
And so I...and you....must continue to pick up the pieces of my careless and selfish behavior, and learn....
Try to make the best of it....our love for each other has never changed. It grows. And as long as we can continue to make that happen, I will do my best to never bring sadness and despair to your doors again, as long as I live.
I love you.
I love my life, and the opportunity it brings for learning.
Both good and sad.
I hope you will make the most of your time too.
It is important. Not just to yourself.
That is the hard part to remember. Your decisions are not always about you. Sometimes they are endless in their sphere of influence.
Like the ripple in a pond. There is no telling what shore it will wash up on.
Stay Tuned
I Do
Tunes
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read more blogs!
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DRACULA_VwV
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Oct 9 @ 1:16PM
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leprichaun_magic
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Oct 9 @ 2:16PM
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.that is very true ,,,,always Ripples ...good and bad
.but after all you are only Human and you did what you thought ..was best...at the time:).....
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kitkat316
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Oct 9 @ 3:15PM
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regretful is always at the end...what matters most is what you have learned from your mistakes...  nice Blog!!!
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sweetxy
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Oct 9 @ 7:00PM
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Touching 
Below this page of your blog...is something I never noticed before but it caught my attention  .
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1frantastic
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Oct 9 @ 7:04PM
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until you are 6 ft under or ashes blown to the wind....it is NEVER too late...for anything.... 
sometimes you have to let other's choices influence yours...or the choice they want to make....you DON'T always know best (as you have attested to)...but you can change your mind on decisions you have made...and make new ones that will allow another to make a choice for you....
"Lead...follow..or get out of the way" and ...er....you have been in your own way...( don't wonder why I say or know this...I just do).....
the ripples go outward from the rock that made the splash....but once they hit the other shore...they can ripple back again...fainter...but still there....
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sweetxy
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Oct 9 @ 7:09PM
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To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.”
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ttomtarr
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Oct 9 @ 8:47PM
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In the past century, the best did the best they could, and the worst did their worst. None of them knocked the world off its spinning axis.
Neither did I, or did you, Thomas
Fix what you can, forgive the rest. The world has already forgotton or forgiven our peccadillos. Once we do the same, they're gone. like dust in the wind.
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bardnsage
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Oct 9 @ 10:32PM
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Dust in the Wind
Carry on ---------
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Mission_Impossible139
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Oct 10 @ 12:11AM
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Did you find Jesus?
Or was it Odin?
Or did you quit drinking and are now following the ten step thingy?
Or are you just drunk and melancholy?
Whatever it is, come on, we have all done stupid things and we've done great things. Time to forget the past and move on.
If you need a lobotomy, I've got a good half inch drill. Not some cheapy one made for amateurs, I've got the one for professionals. A little sterilization a drop of whatever and your memory will be gone. I'm a carpenter man, I can do the job. $15 an hour/ 2 hour min.
Let me know.
Steve
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summerbreeze916
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Oct 10 @ 12:12AM
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We all have things in our lives we wish we could change, Tunes. What's done is done, and we can't change that. But we CAN learn from these incidences.....and it sounds as though you've done just that. 
Great write, Tunes. 
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southernlass
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Oct 10 @ 1:32AM
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Honesty is a beautiful thing.
It's a joy to follow your thoughts.
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dizzydoll
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Oct 10 @ 2:51AM
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living in the past.... creates a pretty dull future. put those history books aside and get outside and play joyfully 
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silksox
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Oct 10 @ 8:55AM
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Hello my Tuneage Friend
Do not think I haven't made my fair share of REAL BAD booboos OR that I am oversimplifying your situation OR that I I am not compassionate towards you...
My Dad used to to tell me after I had made my gross errors..... that since I had blown my chance at a touchdown..... to drop back 10 yards and punt. He wasn't referencing quitting, he was declaring a brief time out to reflect on my mistake.
Then Mom took over from Dad and did her thing. She told me that TODAY was the first day of the rest of my life. Gentle persistance on my part could & would certainly change things for the better. Unfortunately many times I didn't have the courage or confidence to persevere. BUT I DO NOW!
Both of them were so right...
I will add this...it is NEVER too late until the peoples involved are 6' under...Gentle persistance.
my 2c, silks
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