~~My one and only~~ posted 10/13/2009 3:36:34 PM | 7 kudos what's this?     report abuse

Snappygoddess

I have been in a thinking mode this week, with my 1 yr anniversary of being diagnosed with breast cancer coming up. Getting too cozy with death will do that.. make you soul search and rethink priorities.

All throughout my journey, my husband, you supported me, listened to me when I was hyped up on steroids during my chemo days and tried to understand when I came down off of them and was a bitch on wheels. Ah.. the ends and outs of cancer treatments. So many of them.. and all necessary to get back on the road to recovery. I honestly don't know how you were able to stand me some days, as I couldn't stand myself!!

During it all. .I continued to work, mostly 2-3 days a week but still, I was actively engaged in doing something with my life and trying to help with the bills. You had been laid off from work and was seeking any kind of employment and when your unemployment ran out things got really tough.You were making chicken, mowing yards, cleaning.. anything you could find to do, you were doing. Between my being diagnosed with breast cancer in October, losing our home and having to move in November, having no steady employment, depression set in. I didn't realize at first how depressed you were because you had always been such a positive minded person, easy going and not much got to you. Bless your heart, you were going through so much and didn't know what to do to help me or yourself. And yet, you stayed the course and always tried your best.

A few days ago I was thinking about how much I had ragged you about helping me around the house more while going through treatments.. and it hit me.. just like that. The times I thought you weren't supporting me in my battle against cancer I never took the time to realize you WAS doing all that you could. Support comes in different forms and though you was not always pushing a sweeper or washing dishes...in your own way you were supporting me. Through prayers, love and never giving up.. YOU showed me a strength I never realized you possessed.Your strength held me up on those days when I wanted to cry from exhaustion or sheer frustration...those times during chemo when you sat with me while the drugs coursed through my veins.. killing off cancer cells... those times at night when you would massage my legs and back because the medicines made me ache all over... those times when I know you wanted to hold me and make love to me and the treatments had left me weak and unable to give back physically...those are the times I should have focused on.. not what you did NOT do. I absolutely appreciated you, my husband.. always have and still do.. I just forgot along the way that YOU needed someone to talk to..YOU needed to be held and told that you would not be losing your wife to this dreaded disease. Cancer affects everyone involved.. not just the patient. You were having a hard time dealing with your wife battling a dreaded disease but at the same time, you was staying upbeat and as positive as you could.

When I really thought about how much we have been through in this past year...tears welled up and I just sobbed because finally the battle was over!! I am cancer clean...I am a breast cancer survivor and I just was so overwhelmed by it all.. once again. It does that.. comes in waves from time to time. Makes you rethink things that are and are not important. Life takes on an entire new meaning and becomes even more precious.

Ray, I know I have thanked you before for being here for me...but allow me to really thank you here and now because the enormity of what you helped me through just hit me a few days ago. I know I could have made it without you but I am so dearly grateful that you have been here with and for me. Just know, my darling, that my heart holds you in the highest esteem. Takes a genuine man to deal with what you did and still maintain your positive outlook on life. I know depression had you down for a while but even through that, you NEVER gave up on me.. on you.. on us!! That is what love.. genuine love.. is about.

I will be eternally grateful that you loved me enough to stand beside me and love me back to being me. Cancer had me down for a year but I am coming back, my love...still working on the energy and immune system but I am getting back to the real Belinda and I want you to know that I take NOTHING for granted in this life.. together we enjoy the simple things.. listen to what our hearts need.. and love with all that is within us.

I love you, my sweetheart and would gladly do the same for you if God forbid, you should ever fall sick and need to fight the battle of living. Thank you for being my safe place to land and for accepting me from the start for who I am. Never have you tried to change me and I love you so much for that.

Thank you for giving me.. us.. the gift of unfailing love and the strength to conquer whatever life throws our way.

Your one and only..forever and for always,

~Belinda~

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Blogs by Snappygoddess: ~~ We lost a beautiful little soul~~ ~~My one and only~~ Back in the drivers seat! ~Today is not such a good day~ Reading: A simple pleasure Words for Women To Live By Ten months of a life changing journey Life sucks the big one... and then it gets better:) HE DID IT...AGAIN!! Why I believe people are STAYING on Matchdoctor!! Behind the scenes...getting zapped! Birthdays and Parent reflections... Beating the odds... I'm bored.. read my blog ( remind you of anyone?) LOL Proof that someone STILL wants to view my boob... When Life Gives You Silver... I challenge you!! Great News... "IT" has happened!! The Down/Up side of cancer and all that jazz....Part Two! The Down/ Up side to cancer and all that jazz! Part One The Fuzzies have struck!! He Did It!! My 2009, according to my zodiac sign Onto another chapter in this journey...