I sat here and tried to write something eloquent, but it all sounded like crap. So here are my thoughts, as they come to mind.
I've buried a lot of demons for a long time. My horrible childhood, Austin's death, and the things I did in between in the name of my country. I got really good at burying things so I wouldn't have to think about them.
A few months ago I was talking to a friend about her childhood. I decided to open up to her and tell her the truth about my childhood. I wanted her to feel like she wasn't alone. That this happens to other people too. That was when I realized she was the first person I had ever opened up to about it.
A lot of people here are fake. That's just a fact. The internet allows you to be anyone you want to be. That's why you see so many millionaire mensa members on MD who own numerous businesses. For me however, the internet allows the opposite. It allows me to be myself. The person I can't be a lot of times. It's a lot easier to tell a bunch of anonymous profiles that your life hasn't amounted to shit than it is to tell your friends and family. It's a lot easier to open up to someone when they are a thousand miles away and have no chance of ever meeting you.
I'm no angel. I've done some really messed up shit in my life. Facing my demons has allowed me the chance to amend some of those wrongs. But since I am not willing to forgive the sins against me, I have no right to ask for forgiveness from others. It's a two way street I'm not willing to drive on yet.
I can't change the things I've done, or the things done to me. No one has that power. But I can decide what direction my life will take. I choose my path, no one else.
To the young woman who really did think my last blog was about her, I'm sorry for the confusion. To the young woman it really was about, I'm sorry for the confusion. 
And to the woman who thinks it's just totally and completely awesome to harass a 70 year old man after surgery because of me, keep pushing and bad Ken may make an appearance. 
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read more blogs!
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dizzydoll
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Oct 14 @ 6:12AM
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let it all out. 
and i would rather people let rip here than kick their dog.  sadly this does happen
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Borty
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Oct 14 @ 6:29AM
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I'm just an old guy on disability living in a one bedroom subsidized apartment. I'm also a Pinko Commie Socialist who wears red panties.
I appreciate your honesty... 
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Snappygoddess
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Oct 14 @ 7:16AM
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I don't know how to say this without sounding trite or patronizing.. so I will just be bluntly honest and hope I don't offend you!
You are full of a lot of anger.. I have seen it in a lot of your posts...you have more demons to face down and until you do and are able to forgive the wrongs done to you, you can't completely heal and no matter how much you want to believe that you control your own path... you really don't.. anger, bitterness and an unforgiving spirit chooses your path for you. You can change the course of your journey once you let go of the anger issues and allow your heart to heal.
I didn't say it was easy.. matter of fact it was one of the most difficult things I have ever done.. but I DO know the peace that comes with facing down the demons of past hurts and forgiving those who caused the hurts and thus moving on.
Not preaching.. not judging.. just sharing words of wisdom from someone who IS real and has been there. I have nothing to gain in telling you this.. I would just like to see you peaceful and able to move on without the anger and pain. I hope you take my advice in the light it was given.. with compassion and caring. 
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Wing_Zero_75
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Oct 14 @ 9:44AM
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To bury a problem is to put it on hold until the most inconvienent time to re surface. I have found that coming to terms with some things have helped me a great deal. You dont have to forgive or forget. Being able to understand things helps. With my mother, I am the 2nd child, my father, I am the 3rd child. (loooooooooooooooooooooooong story). Anyways, they gave my first sister up for adoption and then had me and them lisa. The reason I was ignored was my mother was trying to compensate for the first sister with lisa. My mother was also abused by her mother, and did the same to me, lisa was spared. Its not a good or evil label, it just is.
Larry
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lazareth
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Oct 14 @ 10:29AM
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I've done some really messed up shit in my life
yeah... me too. I find some of it still hard to deal with.
I have been able to forgive the wrongs done against me but have found it most difficult to forgive myself for the wrongs I have done against others. Sometimes it keeps me up at night.
The only thing I can do at this point is try to do better... be better... Like you said... we can't change our past
I know one day I'll have to answer for my actions
kudos
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CHARLIgurl1
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Oct 14 @ 11:37AM
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Its good to be honest Kjac, never be ashamed or feel you need to apologise for it either, I know you didnt.. Im just saying.
I am very good friends on here with a guy who has come through a great deal of pain in his life, and before we were friends, he was one very mixed up and angry person.
he has through being open and trusting in certain people, come so far its incredible.
he knows how very proud I am of him and how far he's come.
My point is.. finding that someone to trust to talk to really helps, and it looks like already you too are moving strides every day.
Never look back in anger, always look forward in hope.
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beckyiv42000
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Oct 14 @ 12:19PM
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It's a lot easier to tell a bunch of anonymous profiles that your life hasn't amounted to shit than it is to tell your friends and family. It's a lot easier to open up to someone when they are a thousand miles away and have no chance of ever meeting you.
Yes wayyyyy easier especially because you cannot SEE the person you are opening up to and react to their reactions ..whatever they may be...not being able to see a persons disgust or shock or envy or anger allows one to continue to relate a tale express a feeling instead of causing one to hold back and close up shop at the mere sight of a disparaging glance or rolled eye.. ... Blogs are good for this also.. I know when I lost my bro in law I kept so much inside me not able to express my feelings but in a blog I did just that.. and since my nephew .. his son was hovering near raggin on me about being online I made him sit and read it... somethings were in that blog that I would never have said about him to his own son... manly because of the stigma attached to me bawling my eyes out if I did ( yeah the family always has bagged on me about my emotionality so I have just kept things inside ) Was VERY gratifying to see him wipe tears from his eyes and apologize to me tho... K to continue to beat yourself up about past mistakes only give strength to those mistakes.. OWN them and let them go...the same with that which has been done to you... Acknowledge it and make an effort to make sure it dont happen again .. but let it go.. if you do not it OWNS you and that is what keeps the angst hangiing round.. OWN yourself and let the rest go... huggs K...
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