When I first came into your world I didn't understand you at all, yet found you fascinating in such a way I'd read your words over again and allow the wisdom to wash over me, for I knew it was there.
When you first came into my world you laughed at me with such arrogance, presuming you knew the sum total of who I am through a cluster of my thoughts put out there for all to see ...
... and yet, as is my way, I didn't take exception, I wanted to know more about you as I enquired about the thoughts behind the reaction. Before long you appeared to realise you may have got me wrong and in time knew you had ... or did you?
'Knowing' someone isn't just being in complete agreement ... learning to 'know' anyone takes time and patience, particularly when we're not in agreement. Being a 'Friend' isn't about jumping immediately to their defence and backing them to the hilt, it's about knowing when to stay quiet and how there's more between the lines than contained therein. It's not about telling them they're wrong or our opinions on what they SHOULD do, it's about being there and letting them know you trust them to come to their own best conclusions. It's about understanding the reasons behind their moments of madness, handling them gently and never saying "you're wrong".
Friendship is about recognising it's a two-way street ... that all the kindness, understanding and patience shown to us should be returned in equal measure when the time comes. You would frustrate me at times but I was always careful not to tell you exactly what I was thinking because I knew it wouldn't help. All the suggestions I ever made were greeted with a "but" so in time I knew best to encourage you in whatever endeavour you decided. I don't think I ever told you anything you did or wanted to do was a bad idea even if I thought so ... I accepted you were entitled to live your life as you pleased.
When it came to my turn you gave me plenty of wisdom which I took on board but not without judgements and a sometimes skewed image of me that I took great pains to deny, though it fell on deaf ears, or blind eyes.
You will never know how much you drained me or how I longed to end our friendship at times but I hung on in there for all the good times and for old times sake. I suppose it was inevitable one of us would pull the plug and I allowed you to do it ... though it hurt! Though we'd never met I cried real tears that day, tears that had barely dried around the neckline of my clothing before more came. For several nights I couldn't sleep for the thoughts of where it all went wrong and could have kicked myself for not ending it myself until I realised I would have felt no better for it.
It's better this way, I know where I stand, you grew as tired of me as I had become of you. What I have learned about myself though is in time I would have forgotten how you drained me and slipped happily back into the way things always were, because you were my friend and I value friendship above many things because true friends are hard to come by.
When a friendship dies a part of me dies with it, a part of me I'm struggling to get back and not sure it's possible. I suppose I should be grateful you showed me how wrong I was and you didn't deserve my friendship, but it's hard to be grateful when a part of me is left scarred to the point I no longer want to be that way for anyone anymore, save the trusted few.
Perhaps in time I will view it's death as a new beginning, a chance to close a door on something that no longer served either of us and and opportunity for a new one to open. For the moment though, the coffin is nailed well and truly shut!
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