My mother always prefaced her comments to me with "If you'd only...." which I did take as never being good enough or never doing what she thought was right....
She died last Jan at age 97....14 hrs after her 102 yr old sister died ...whom she could not go on without...they had been together forever...until separated in 1993 because my mama wanted to be in California with my "on -a- pedestal sister".
I understood my mama and where she was coming from..being a child of the depression as she was...but she never understood me..being a youngster who was hard-headed ….talked back to her and was NOT “lady-like” during the 60's….a hippy as it were...!!!
A true generational and social clash!
And since she didn’t know how to communicate her feelings…everything was about her you know…she couldn’t understand any feelings that anyone else had….She once told me (after I asked her why she never told me she loved me)”No one ever told me..why should I tell you?” (she meant growing up…cause daddy loved her and told her so…often…I heard him say it….He called her “sugar” and gave her “love-pats” on her bottom.)
She blamed me for being born when WWII was going on and “caused” my daddy to lose his officer’s commission because he waited for my birth before volunteering as radioman/foreign observer in WWII…he was too old to be drafted…he was 36 years old…and he was sent to school to learn French since the Army saw a special use for him…That special use was to go into French towns and tell the occupants to leave because the Americans were about to bomb there. He was betting the Germans would NOT shoot only one man thus giving away their position…My Daddy used psychology a lot….*mostly*….maybe that’s where I got it from….ya think? His way of reasoning things?
Daddy said that when we went to the movies and the news showed that big arrow indicating where the American troops were in Europe….that HE was ahead of the tip…observing and sending radio signals back to “our men” so they would know where the enemy was….Mama was so proud….HER husband was in the “movies”….(Her way of reasoning…)
She would even tell me “NO..you don’t feel that way!” when I tried to explain how I felt and why and how I had come to the conclusion I had….to NO avail! Especially after the truck accident and the doctor told me I HAD to confront my mother and get out my negativity and animosity toward her BEFORE I would be able to heal…
I remember sitting in the rocking chair in HER bedroom…the one that had all Early American Maple furniture…matching of course…rocking in front of the wall (which was actually the closet hidden by Early American patterned material that matched the draperies)…specially made for HER (cause none of her sisters had “custom made decorations”)… I sat and nervously rocked back and forth…back and forth….gathering courage to confront her as the doctor told me to do…tears streaming down my face…wanting desperately for her to come hug me and tell me she loved me and was sorry she ever made me feel that way…it was never her intention… oh I wanted that sooooo much….but…after dismissing me with her comment about I don’t have the feelings I was trying to SHARE…she looked in her jewelry box on her dresser, and said how my daughter (HER granddaughter…the “perfect one”)wanted all of her jewelry and of course Liz (my child) could have anything she wanted…and mama said to me…”Isn’t that sweet she loves me and wants what was mine?”
She was still thinking about HER OWN feelings and I had to just accept that she always would…it was just who she was….
I’m healing…it is a process…just hard to let some things go until they are “all talked out”……for me anyway….
Thanks for listening…..It’s not finished yet…….
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| Healing....from a Mom's "Love" |
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CHARLIgurl1
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Oct 16 @ 1:35PM
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leprichaun_magic
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Oct 16 @ 1:44PM
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Mum s are like that :) 
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1frantastic
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Oct 16 @ 1:58PM
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I hope all mums are NOT like mine was...I would stand looking at cards for Mother's Day for hours...reading verses like "To the BEST MOTHER" about how she would think of others...doing nice things for them, putting others first, always smiling, and other things I wanted to say that my mama did...but she wasn't one of those kind of mothers....
So I searched for a card that said I wished her the best kind of day and hoped she enjoyed it...never praising any of the qualities she DIDN'T have....
and I did find as I was with her in the end of her life...I became the care-giver...the nourisher... and she became the child.....
I guess we did find what we needed from each other...in the end....
I did show her love and she did appreciate me....finally..... 
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gunn12fan
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Oct 16 @ 1:59PM
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 yup they are
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HUGS4UANDME
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Oct 16 @ 2:23PM
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she might not have said it fran but she loved you very much ..I am sure ......some people just cant get those words out hun...........big hugsssssssss
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sybnann
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Oct 16 @ 5:32PM
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OH I SO understand this and your feelings Fran! My own experience about this in ways is similar, and of course, in ways not..... and what I say isn't meant to diminish your feelings or the pain you have endured as a result of your relationship with your mom.
I was always estranged from my father. He would have rather spend time with his friends than his own flesh and blood. I ALWAYS had to carefully chose the cards I sent him too, so I can relate a LOT to that.
Mom of course is still here, but until I reached out for her when she had no one, she was not there for me either. However, in the case of my mom, IF I asked her she would ALWAYS tell me that she loved me, and I always believed her.
She was NOT however, the model mom either by a long shot. Chosing a husband that beat her over the safety and security and emotional stability of her children.
Always drunk... as far back as I can remember, and allowing the alcohol to ruin her.... to the point that she could not be there for US.... ever.
Again, when it came to those cards.... most didnt fit.
I am SO fortunate now however, as mom and I are closer than we have EVER been, and we both know there is love here.....
Many HUGS to you my friend......the pain is bad and the healing takes time, much time.... but it WILL happen... so just don't give up!
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sybnann
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Oct 16 @ 5:35PM
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He would have rather spend time with his friends than his own flesh and blood. I ALWAYS had to carefully chose the cards I sent him too, so I can relate a LOT to that
OOPS! I meant to say "He would have rather spent time with his friends"
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misschoos
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Oct 17 @ 2:52PM
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butterfly943
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Oct 21 @ 12:19AM
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The good thing is that your healing
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BionicCouple
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Oct 28 @ 6:02AM
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I carefully choose the cards too, but for different reasons to you ... my Mum and I used to be close but since my Dad died, she's changed and our relationship has too. The only consolation I can give you is at least your Mother appreciated you in the end, and you should be proud you hung on in there and learned how to forgive, or at least put your hurt aside when she needed you. They say a child's love for it's parents is unconditional, but there are many examples where that isn't the case. A bitter-sweet blog, Fran. Thanks for sharing!
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