When I was about 9 years old, my parents discovered healthy living. This was right before my dad retired and suddenly realized he would be spending a great deal of time with us and I suppose he figured he would prefer it to be with him not holding the vomit bucket. All natural granola that had created by him became our breakfast. It was horrific.
No honey sweetened yogurt clusters for dad. He was a whole wheat, perhaps a few raisins and oats-mixed-in kind of guy. These grains still had the "outer shell" on so that no amount of milk could soften them up. Some gray globs floated, others just sunk like a goose turd dropped on a lake. After about the 4th day of this, I theatrically threw myself on the floor and just stared at the ceiling. No words needed to be said, but in that moment I was mentally promising myself that
1. I would marry a rich man.
2. I would never work a day in my life.
3. I would have Apple Jacks for breakfast every morning, just like it was my birthday.
My father stepped over my prone body while reminding me that our job lists were in the center of the table.
Were we the only ones? Did any other kids get job lists? My friends had to help mow the lawn on Saturday's or (after much bitching) take the garbage out. We however had a job list every day of our lives. On weekends they pulled out all the stops. Granted, the list might only have 5 things on them, but I swear my parents would lay in their Ricky and Lucy beds late at night cackling over the 5 items they would assign each of us. I firmly believed that they only had children so they could have free labor while feeding the staff nothing short of gruel. I was a morose child looking back.
1. Vacuum the downstairs.
Stop right there people. This house was huge. A 5 bedroom, 2 bath monstrosity. Factor in my mother's weakness for oriental rugs and her absolute refusal to have a vacuum on wheels or with a rotating beater and you may as well have had me hanging them outside and beating them until my arms hung from my torso like used up rubber bands.
We had a Rainbow vacuum cleaner without the roller base. These little cuties resemble R2D2 from star wars and sound like an African jet plane taking off. You had to fill them with 5 pounds of water and if you had any pets, empty them 4 times before the fookin' job was finally finished. Not to mention having to deal with that skanky water. No wheels, heavy as a mother and you were effectively vacuuming 2,000 square feet on your knees.
2. Organize the Tupperware cupboard.
What the f***? My mother spent money on Tupperware like a gambler at the craps tables. There was so much of it that you couldn't even make it look pretty by snapping and burping each lid on. You had to stack them inside each other BY SIZE with the lids underneath, largest to smallest. There was only one way to do this job. Remove each and every warped piece and start from scratch.
3. Match the socks.
If you know anything about me, you now understand why I cringe at doing that now. My fear of clowns can be discussed later.
4. Dust.
Are you shitting me? I'm an asthmatic if no one has noticed! Dust what? The antiques? Like ALL of them? All that nick-knack-paddy-wack crap that mom thinks is so special?
To this day I refuse to dust my house. Yes, feel free to write your name on my end tables...just no dates please. I do have some small amount of pride. And yes mother, it WAS me who snapped all the heads off your Precious Moments figurines.
5. Pick the raspberries.
The best for last. They always saved the best for last. Why it was always on MY job list has never been answered. But I was sure my parents purposly bread mosquito's in there for some goverment experiment. I am sure each kid at one point had this chore. They must have to account for all of us refusing to eat the damn things. I don't care what kind of dessert they were plopped on, we snapped our mouths shut and turned our heads. And don't even think about sprinkling any on top of my homemade granola. Civil Wars have broken out, out of more menial things than that.
The prickers. My God, the prickers. 120 degrees out there. The Lord shone the sun down on that patch and because of the prickers and skeets, you were forced to wear your jeans. The sweat ran down your neck, half your jeans were left to mark your way back out of that labyrinth, and the skeeters marked the back of my knees, ankles and neck with targeted red tattoos.
Only 5 jobs, but you couldn't play or do anything fun until it was all done. And yeah, they checked your work. And yes, the vacuum makes a much different sound when you just run it compared to when you run it and actually use it. After about a 1/2 hour, all the socks begin to look the same and the length difference less and less pronounced. Leftover Tupperware lids could be slid between the cans in the trash compactor at least a few times before someone caught on. But, eventually, you run out of short-cuts. All that is left is the drudgery.
As I write this I've just eaten about a 1/2 a box of Apple jacks. My mouth is pleasantly shredded from all the sharp edges and I have found that forcing my child to wear the same socks I do (about 2 sizes to small to boot) seriously cuts down on matching time. If you hold a grand rummage sale, there IS no crap to dust. The raspberries purchased from the store actually taste no better than the ones hand picked and I found the most bitchin' standing, on wheels, with a long cord, vacuum for 5 bucks at someone elses rummage. She found the awesomeness of a Rainbow vacuum cleaner and was preaching Rainbow like a Jehovah's Witness. I just grinned and gave her my last 5 bucks.
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read more blogs!
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Blogs by ColdinWisconsin:
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1frantastic
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Oct 17 @ 9:14PM
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lol...I remember having my 3 kids(2 stepsons) wash dishes alternately...and Robert hated it...so he HID dishes in unused cabinets....especially ones with syrup on them...hard to wash ya know...so they went "bye-bye" till I found them...then..yep THEN HE HAD TO WASH THEM...lol...  
and my mama said...".no play til work is done"...and I still have a hard time scheduling play...cause I DON'T do work! I am the BOSS now...
oh those "chore" days....
 
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Blaiserboy
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Oct 17 @ 9:16PM
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Priceless....!
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Jacksonboy
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Oct 17 @ 9:29PM
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just sunk like a goose turd dropped on a lake
nick-knack-paddy-wack crap
Interesting 
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texasblues
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Oct 17 @ 11:30PM
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hey all those jobs build character, or so I was told.  And just look at the healty well adjusted adult they helped you grow into 
Great blog as usual  Would you like some raspberries on the kudo? 
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Tunes4u
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Oct 17 @ 11:42PM
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I taught my kids that if ya don't move anything, it never looks like it needs dusting. But if you moved a lamp or something....bingo....you dust it and the table it's on.
The Lawn ....my torture.....it was a huge lawn....never ending, with hills and valleys..acres and acres of tall thick grass......took hours just for me to get the lawn mower started. .funny how Dad could start it first time every time. 
Last time I was in Maryland, I drove by the old place. It had shrunk....someone stole it all or something....it was tiny. 
..best part of the lawn job was that when it was done....hot ...sticky...smell of cut grass.......was splittin' an ice cold Schlitz Beer with Dad....  Sometimes, that was the only thing that kept me going...like a carrot hanging in front of a donkey.
~*~~*~
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bardnsage
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Oct 18 @ 12:05AM
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We had a Rainbow vacuum cleaner
And you were not done, until the water ran clean. No mater how many times you ran the thing over the carpet.
Organize the Tupperware cupboard.
I'd rather toss out the food,,, or eat it,,, to keep from messing up the stack.
Match the socks.
And turn them right side out. WTF,,, turn them around when you put them on your feet,,, was an smart ass answer I only gave once.
Dust.
Who was the comic that said,,, duct tape everything down and dust with a leaf blower,,,, I like his style.
Pick the raspberries
We had blackberries,,, and sweet potatoes,,,, and beans,,, and tobacco,,, and,,, and,,, and,,, Crap, if Mr. Green Jeans was alive, I'd shove a tomato stake up his bum. I DON"T DO YARD,,, I DON"T DO FIELDS.
OH,, and a couple of others.
Take out the Trash.
Gather every freaking can, every scrap of paper, and every single ashtray. If you miss one,,, you didn't do your job.
Clean out the Cat Box.
Are you kidding me,,, just why does the cat come inside to crap,,, just after I have cleaned the box,,, and just before it is inspected.
Make Tea
Every day,,, like clockwork,,, make two gallons of tea,, put them in the picther,,, put them in the fridge. It's a southern tradition don't you know. Yeah,,,, like leaches and horse flys.
MUCK THE STALLS
OK,, the same damn job as clean out the cat box,,, only with a full sized shovel and a wheelbarrow.
Then,, the seasonal chores,,,,
WEED THE GARDEN
I'd rather starve.
BRING IN THE WOOD Somehow,,, my brother always got to split poplar and red oak,,, and I got stuck with sweet gum and hickory.
CLEAN OUT THE DITCHES Yep,,, clean out the ditches. Pull out the sticks, rake out the leaves, and pull the dirt back up on the sides. It keeps the water from washing out A NEW DITCH THAT NEVER NEEDS CLEANED OUT.
RAKE THE YARD Yeah,, imagine the adults surprise when they came home and I had made the executive desicion to burn them where they lay.... still tear up when I smell burning leaves.
WASH THE CARS I didn't get it dirty,,,
PAINT THE FENCE Yes,, every year. Because white wash and cheap paint don't last for more than a year.
And the winner of the most stupid chore,,,,
FOLD YOUR UNDERWEAR
Ummmm,,, it's underwear. If I ever get lucky enough to have someone see it,,, I hope they are not going to count off because it's wrinkled.
Yep,, our parents kept us hopping. But then again,,, I think about all the stuff I got into when the chores were done,,, and I have to marvel at their wisdom.
My kids have a chore list.
And yes,, I make them fold their underwear.
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Snappygoddess
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Oct 18 @ 12:30AM
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We however had a job list every day of our lives. On weekends they pulled out all the stops
Same here 
Hang clothes on line, take them off, fold what could be folded and get the rest ready for ironing. Ironing, I did not mind(if it had not been for 10 people)
Shake rugs out, sweep floors, dust furniture, do dishes, help with dinner or cook dinner if mom was still at work.
More dishes(there were 8 kids and 2 adults..so there were always dishes)
and no dishwasher
Saturdays...nick knacks were to be taken down and washed and put back on dusted shelves( I think nick knacks were for mothers to torture their kids) Sweep and mop floors.. clean bathroom...polish furniture...any other chores mom could think of
Boys were not allowed to do housework as it was "womans work" (my dad was very chauvinistic) so they took out the garbage(back in the day there was an actual garbage can that actual raw left over food was thrown into and collected by a garbage man) and do yard work in the summer.
Summertime was more work..we ALWAYS had a HUGE garden..so there was hoeing, weeding, watering, picking, shelling, snapping and canning.. (which I hate to this day) Not to mention fruit trees that had to be picked and canned, frozen, whatever.....and a grape arbor.(more canning)
And still with all of that work.. we found time to play and have a good time.
Did I like all of those chores.. hell no.. but it molded the kind of woman I am today....I love a clean home.. not fanatical about it.. just like it smelling and looking good....still cannot stand dusty furniture...or moldy food in the fridge...but I STILL hate canning, making jam and whatever.
I had 4 kids and they always had to do chores...and my son DID have to run the vacuum and do dishes(which he loved of course  )
Now my girls are all very tidy and love a clean home....
So yes.. it did pay off.. doing all of those chores as kids.
Good blog meems.. sorry my reply was so long winded 
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NatsDad
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Oct 18 @ 12:35AM
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Alright! Been waiting for a chance to whine about mommy and daddy for a long time.
We actually had a blackboard. Chores on the left, names above columns at the top, and checkmarks next to your chore. Updated by dear ol' dad every night. Of course I was the oldest boy, by 8 friggin years, so I got ALL the outside chores, especially in the summer, in ARIZONA. I could complain about blisters and heat stroke all day here. However, just when I forget about how bad I had it, someone comes along and BLOGS it back to my internal headlines. Thank you, so much.
However, as bad as we had it, MS King-Fan, think Black House!!!!
Peace
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AngelLight
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Oct 18 @ 3:41AM
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Still love your writing hun. Keep up the great work 
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j_goose
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Oct 18 @ 10:42PM
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just sunk like a goose turd dropped on a lake
this is bullshit and you know it!!
My turds are floaters....
I left one in your jon.....
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dizzydoll
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Oct 19 @ 3:10PM
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child slavery
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ABetterMan
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Oct 19 @ 9:29PM
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Yeah, I got the outdoors jobs. Mow AND rake the lawn. (no bag on our mower!)
My dad would always come out and point out the places that needed to be done again. "If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing right!" He'd say as he walked back to the house.
"If you want a job done right, do it yourself..." I'd mutter under my breath.
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BionicCouple
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Oct 28 @ 5:41AM
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You're a girl after my own heart, Meems ...
Jeez, did Bard spend his childhood at boot camp?
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Sternfan69
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Oct 28 @ 6:31AM
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Garrison Keillor is seriously considering suing you for stealing his writing style and content.
or do all upper-midwesterners have the same life experiences?
i rarely comment on your blogs as i can neither make it thru the entire read and simply cannot relate to them in any way shape or form being from a more urban upbringing and lifestyle..you can't expect everyone to relate and although perhaps no comment at all is a more preferred method of handling something that does not interest you,,i was attempting to read this blog and keillor came to mind immediately as it often does with your blogs.
but i am familiar with the aforementioned writer,,never read any of his stuff ,,
just familiar with his style because i make it my business to know as much about as many things as i can before leaving this shitball planet and it's 6 billion completely insane inhabitants to there own evil devices.:) 
and to my recollection,,he writes much the same,,folksy,,homey,,life was so wonderful in the 50's type stuff that you seem to write in such propensity.
just curious,,
write on,,you seem to have an audience of yenta's and people caught in a time loop who find this stuff interesting,,,different strokes for different folks i suppose...
BRING DRAC BACK! bong
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ColdinWisconsin
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Oct 28 @ 6:05PM
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Oh absolutely! I have had many wonderful moments in my life and it's grand when others can nod and relate to ones memories. And thanks for the tip, that is an author I've not heard of. Since you have taken the time to read both of us, it says a great deal!
As for those who tend to like my blogs, I can only nod in the affirmative that the site does work. We are allowed the chance to meet many people with "like minds".
You seem to have been a big fan of Drac's. It's always sad to see your favorite writer go for whatever reason, but here's a tip.
You have compared me to an author you've spent time reading and you also claim to love Drac. I suggest you emulate his style if you enjoy it so much.
Attempt to voice your own opinions with your own keyboard in your very own blogs and you just might meet some like minded people for yourself.
Read a few more of my blogs if you find time. My latest one called "love" is a perfect example of how one person can teach you how to do things for yourself so you are less frustrated, have the skills you need to succeed and how to use your own voice instead of counting on others to scream for you.
Good luck to you.
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ColdinWisconsin
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Oct 28 @ 9:19PM
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i rarely comment on your blogs as i can neither make it thru the entire read and simply cannot relate to them in any way shape or form being from a more urban upbringing and lifestyle..you can't expect everyone to relate and although perhaps no comment at all is a more preferred method of handling something that does not interest you,,i was attempting to read this blog and keillor came to mind immediately as it often does with your blogs.
but i am familiar with the aforementioned writer,,never read any of his stuff ,,
just familiar with his style because i make it my business to know as much about as many things as i can before leaving this shitball planet and it's 6 billion completely insane inhabitants to there own evil devices.:)
and to my recollection,,he writes much the same,,folksy,,homey,,life was so wonderful in the 50's type stuff that you seem to write in such propensity.
just curious,,
write on,,you seem to have an audience of yenta's and people caught in a time loop who find this stuff interesting,,,different strokes for different folks i suppose...
BRING DRAC BACK! bong
In the words of your favorite author Drac.....
You're hated reflection in the mirror is your own. Yet you try and place it upon the writer. That is foolish.
Pretty much the most brilliant thing he ever wrote.
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Sternfan69
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Oct 28 @ 10:36PM
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You're hated reflection in the mirror is your own. Yet you try and place it upon the writer. That is foolish.
i like my reflection,,i like me,,i am trying to place nothing on you,
i simply said you remind me of another author who once did a movie called "prairie home companion"
that i watched because it had a lot of good actors in it and it turned out to be a movie based completely on the works of said author and i found your blogs to be much in the style which he wrote which i personally cannot relate to not having grown up "little house on the prairie" style,,
i never read a word from the author i mentioned,,his style does not interest me.
nothing more sinister of deeply psychological about it i promise you..if you cannot take criticism well,,you probably shouldn't write for public consumption..
am i a critic? do i have the right to criticize? i thought about it for a while,,i said nothing on most of your other blogs,,
i just decided to express my opinion...well,,because i can and for no other reason and no hidden agenda,,
i don't find your work interesting,,other people do...people don't find my work interesting ,,,i allow them to say so ,,it's never personal..
anyways continue writing,,you have an audience and that is really all that matters...my opinion is just that..we all have em..
rock on
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sloriver
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Nov 1 @ 11:31AM
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I still hate that fuggin armstrong push reel mower that my dad would never sharpen. He didn't have to. Jake could motivate it;why spend two dollars?
As for picking berries, it was chiggers in northern Mississippi. They attacked the crotch like a trained guard dog. During berry season I looked like a bad case of VD. The good part was my Grandma Lou Della's blackberry cobbler. I'd suffer chigger crotch for that any time.
And yes mother, it WAS me who snapped all the heads off your Precious Moments figurines.
There's a story in my family about my Aunt Myrtle who, as a child was "mean as a snake" and "sneaky as burgler". When she was made to wash Grandma Thompson's prized cut glass dinner ware she'd "accidentally" drop the dirtiest ones on the hearth and who could wash broken glass? At other times she'd throw whole pieces behind a missing brick in the fireplace. That old fireplace was probably full of valuable antique cut glass when it was destroyed. Kids!
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sloriver
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Nov 1 @ 11:38AM
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nothing more sinister of deeply psychological about it i promise you..if you cannot take criticism well,,you probably shouldn't write for public consumption..
Who did you say can't stand criticism? I thought her answer to you was restrained, thoughtful, and more cordial than your criticism deserved. If you can't stand the heat, don't turn it up. There's always a better cook in the building.
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