Why is it that (some) men seem to think that separated and single are the same thing? Is it too much to ask that a guy actually file the dang paperwork before starting to look for the next babe?
So my question is this... and really, just because it has happened to me recently, I am not trying to hate on guys, and yes I realize not all guys are this assinine- do men consider themselves single and free to date when the wife moves out? or after the separation papers are filed? or after the divorce settlement? Personally, I don't consider a person single until the ink is at least ON the divorce papers, if not dry. But I realize i'm old fashioned.
And I realize i'm bloging about something that could/should be put in a forum, but i'm just whining about the problem in general. I realize that i'm asking a rhetorical question and don't really seek a true answer. Although it would be nice. Feel free to put some input on the issue.
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read more blogs!
Blogs by gypsy29:
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| Not a man hater - but I need a place to whine |
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azgirl701
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Oct 17 @ 9:58PM
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not all men are telling the truth about there status on here i feel the same men should get a divorce before trolling for a woman 
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gunn12fan
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Oct 17 @ 10:00PM
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Sorry that you went through this but I can honestly say that i am truthfull in my profile 
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edthepoet
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Oct 17 @ 10:13PM
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They are the same at times, but not always.
Hell yes, a man or a woman should be able to date if their spouse leaves the home.
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Blaiserboy
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Oct 17 @ 10:13PM
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Definitely he should return the key to the chastity belt before acquiring another....!
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WSOR
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Oct 17 @ 10:16PM
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God willing, I pray that divorce is something that I'll never have to experience, but if I ever was in that situation I certainly would not be looking into anything serious until everything was final.
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MrPaul
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Oct 17 @ 10:17PM
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not all men are telling the truth about there status on here i feel the same men should get a divorce before trolling for a woman  Sad part is the women are just as guilty  Gyps29 I am sorry that happen to you, but not all men are that way
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edthepoet
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Oct 17 @ 10:19PM
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Women also date when they are separated, no one is guarantee to get their spouse back and after a while they might not want too anyway.
If a person is getting a divorce shouldn't they be able to date?
What if one won't allow a divorce to happen by stalling the process, what should happen?
What if both parties agree during the separation to date?
Remember, just because you date a person do you own them.
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gypsy29
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Oct 17 @ 10:22PM
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True, women are just as bad. But there needs to be rules about these things. Do I have to ask are you married, divorced, separated? Can I see the dang papers before we can go get coffee???? Hmmm maybe I need to do just that. 
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chatillion
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Oct 17 @ 10:25PM
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gypsy29 said:
...Feel free to put some input on the issue.
I've been in the same situation and blogged about it
The woman claimed she and her husband were fighting all the time. She had plans to divorce him. I actually drove her to the train station to leave town. Haven't heard from her since. She said she was going to work for her uncle in California. I doubt that.
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grassmusicgirl
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Oct 17 @ 10:44PM
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ive been seperated (out of the house seperated) for 18 months.. and its still not final til feb 2010..
just because they are seperated.. doesnt mean they havent done paperwork.. just gotta get that date in court overwith.. i filed my papers over a yr ago and its still gonna be 4 more months!
argh
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mrnaturl
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Oct 17 @ 10:49PM
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Do I have to ask are you married, divorced, separated?
You don't "have" to ... but why wouldn't you?
What's the easiest way to catch someone in a lie? Ask them something out of the blue. You just never know when they're going to screw up and give you a different answer.
Aside from that, there is no law preventing one from asking another's status.
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Heart2Heart453
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Oct 17 @ 10:52PM
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I've been whining all day..."I'm COLD"...ok, on to your topic. What everyone has been suggesting is pretty much true. Some seperated folks are more single than others. Some just testing the waters. I respect folks a whole lot more when they're upfront with their singlehood status, and I'll decide if I want to explore a date with them.
Sorry about your rotten experience...now have I told you how cold I am?
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southernlass
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Oct 17 @ 10:58PM
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God willing, I pray that divorce is something that I'll never have to experience, but if I ever was in that situation I certainly would not be looking into anything serious until everything was final.
Divorced means just that. Not divorced means married. Married means, no thanks! Pass.
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kattoes
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Oct 17 @ 11:30PM
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A lot of them have considered themselves available during the wedding ceremony... 
Cause, f***ing didn't mean anything... it's not like I "love" her, or came home to her... I came home to you
...cause that's where all my stuff is! 
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chevymn
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Oct 17 @ 11:57PM
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My divorce took 18 months. I didn't date until the ninth month. I knew it was over long before I filed. I called myself single. To say I was divorced would have been a lie.
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Sherrybaby412
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Oct 18 @ 12:03AM
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I won't date anyone who is separated. Separated= still married. A divorce is a death of a relationship and of what we had hoped the future to be. You need time to heal and then move on with your life. Yes this is my opinion and my rule but then again it's my life ;)
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NatsDad
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Oct 18 @ 12:08AM
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I think there are two points here.
First, dating before the divorce is final. I, personally, believe that whether or not one does so, and it happens on both sides, I've seen it, is individual choice. That being said, it is the other person's choice to say yes or no.
Second, do people lie about such things in their profiles. I'm absolutely sure of it. Many do. Most probably don't. Once again, though, it is personal choice. I've seen the exercise of that personal choice, on this site, many times. Ask for proof if you want it!!
Peace 
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Detach
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Oct 18 @ 12:46AM
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Do you think a relationship that has reached the saparation stage has any chance at redemption? Of course the guy is going to think ultimately the separation will lead to him once again being single. Separations are particularly upsetting to me because my sister's marriage (which ultimately did end) was the last sliver of hope I had for the institution of marriage.
Now, not only do I believe separations are a justifiable proclamation of singlehood, but marriage is a lifestyle that doesn't work in today's society.
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southernlass
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Oct 18 @ 1:46AM
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The dating woman's next best friend should be the reputable background check." No woman should date without it. And if that woman is single mom? She needs to add "criminal history" to that package. Never compromise on that these days. We often put ourselves into positions to be hurt and that's fine if one chooses to be foolish; I just don't think it's right that kids may have to bear the brunt of that foolishness.
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Hooks
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Oct 18 @ 2:06AM
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I think the question should be, are you legally separated with divorce imminent, or did you just split up for a while.
Hindsight is so 20/20!  After the devastating hell of my first divorce, I wanted my second to be as amicable as possible, and agreed to do a legal separation for the financial things to be done. My thoughts were that we would just roll it right over into a divorce in a matter of a few months. That was 14 years, and 6 times filing ago! This time she agreed to sign, and I should have my divorce by November.  So I have lived with the Damascus Sword over my head all this time. I have never hid the facts of my situation, and anyone that I have gone out with knew. If I had met that someone, then I would have done whatever it took to end it regardless. I'm glad things have worked out peacfully finally!  FYI I have been the main care for my parents for several years, burying my dad almost two years ago, that has been my biggest reason not to go after it hard and fast. I never knew how difficult some of the laws are in regards to a legal separation. It was almost like they took the attitude that, well you aren't living together, so we aren't going to worry about this, until both of you sign the papers
If any of you know someone that thinks they are going to get a legal separation, tell them DON'T! If they have any doubts, and they think maybe they will get back together, just tell them to make an agreement between themselves. If they are sure they are done, then go for that divorce!
From what I have seen, a person being separated may be more of an issue for women than it is for men. The women I have known over the years that were separated, have had just as many contacts from men as a single woman, not so for the separated man. I don't know, maybe we are dogs! Woof, Woof Baby! ;) 
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azgirl701
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Oct 18 @ 2:51AM
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some men are dogs and some are not i wont date another man from any sites
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Wing_Zero_75
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Oct 18 @ 6:08AM
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Well, when I have had an ex leave, I usually take a break of at least 3 or 4 months. One of the main reasons for that is to see...... ummmm if she gave me anything, that way I dont pass it on. Also, people need a cooling off period in their lives after a relationship. About being married and the question you possed, I dont know exctly as I have never found anyone insane enough to say yes AND go through with it.
Larry
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ernie8888
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Oct 18 @ 6:50AM
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I want you to get the concept of being divorced and also being celibate. When my ex and I split up, I found another woman to date. Within three months , she had disappeared into the wind and I had had it. I stopped trying to date and continued on with other pursuits. I can say that not thinking about women or what is invovlved in getting them is a strain. I feel much happier, being unencumbered and FREE. This way, I can define what my life is supposed to be, being one instead of half of one. I found that being celibate is not so bad and that I can go for long periods of time (in this case, seven years), without sex. When the right one comes, and can break through the celibacy, I will know it. Meanwhile, I am enjoyimg the life that I have. What do you think?
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quiet_storm7175
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Oct 18 @ 8:23AM
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I think the difference between divorced and seperated is a case of emotional perspective.
Take my case, I've been divorced for over 6 years, was seperated for 6 months before the divorce was final (Fl courts are great when both parties are in agreement) so technically I was "seperated" for 6 months...but the marriage was over long before we ever seperated. Was I ready to date as soon as we seperated, heck yeah. And I was up front with every woman I dated about my situation.
Fast forward to 2 years ago, and my live-in fiancee of 2 years decided to go back to her ex-husband (actually, I later found out they had never stopped bonkin the whole time she was with me) Now technically I was "single" the day she moved out...was I ready to date?... hell no...it took over a year till I was in the right mind to really think about dating.
Just my thoughts, ramblings on a cold Florida Sunday morning. (Yes, 47 degrees is cold down here!)
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oct_cat
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Oct 18 @ 9:13AM
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It's simple, if you want to know something, ask.
Life is an education & you're not going to continue learning throughout life unless you inquire.
If you don't believe the answer they give, then inquire further.
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marchartist
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Oct 18 @ 10:18AM
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I won't ever date someone who's separated. I've talked to several men who have been separated for YEARS, set up a new life and consider themselves completely single, just can't seem to file those papers. To me, that says he's either afraid of her or afraid to truly be single and get involved again; either way he's still another woman's husband! It's an emotional split he hasn't made and I don't respect a man who won't really get on with his life.
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POPO
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Oct 18 @ 10:49AM
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After reading your blog and the answers that followed, I can certainly see the frustration many have with this issue, It seems so simple to those of us whom have been married and managed to realize a complete divorce, within a reasonable time. However knowing many women who have seperated, yet not divorced as of yet, their are circumstances that warrant not filing for divorce. Some remain married for reasons quite personal but legal, meaning property involved, where she is still living in the home, without forcing the sale of said property, either for tax reasons or finacial considerations, that could go many different ways.
Some are for other reasons, insurance policies and so on, their are many legitimate reason's that people hold off on filing legal documents, until both can survive on thier own or finance properties or sell them off. It's not always so simple!
My divorce was quick and smooth, yet I have known many men and women who parted ways, not as hostile enemies with a vengence, but rather very loving and considerate of how their once love and mate would survive. There is no chance of them getting back together, it's over, and they both know that. But some circumstance dictate for legal reasons to continue the contract of marriage. After all, it is a legal contract and one or the other can be harmed under certain circumstances.
Some even are holding out until they do fall in love again and decide to marry another, again for legal reasons, and both have talked about it and are perfectly fine with it. It's very hard to judge anothers situation without being in it or living it.
Now do some have playing or evil on their minds? absolutely  but we must keep in mind that their are very real and personal reasons why some don't conclude the contract right away. Even though the relationship is far behind them, and both are trying to move on with their lives. At first I was concern about this, until I was close enough to a few to understand their reasoning, it absolutely made sense, no lies or pretense just facts of their situation,so I have learned to not jump the gun and believe their just out playing or still in love. When in fact many are just caught between a rock and a hard place, especially when it comes to properties, insurance, and finacial considerations, it's not always so simple.
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marchartist
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Oct 18 @ 4:53PM
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Sorry Popo, I don't agree. Insurance, property, etc. is a hazard of divorce and you just have to tough it out. No one says you have to sell your house! And you can continue on your spouse's insurance, albeit for more money. Again, that's what divorce costs! And anyone who's waiting for a new commitment and will only THEN file for divorce is in for a world of hurt and despair. The same problems are still there....insurance, property....but now you have to do it while in a new relationship. Divorce is unpleasant even in the best of circumstances and no one is at their best behavior. Best to do it and get it over with!
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1frantastic
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Oct 18 @ 6:31PM
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I agree with Popo....
what do you do if you CAN'T handle things like you seem to think if you just bite the bullet and DO it...
perhaps you can understand ONLY after you have experienced some of it firsthand.
sad to say...but some people don't have EMPATHY...only sympathy when they choose to judge someone worthy of it....
and yes this would be a good forum subject...but here is where others see how one feels...it does become part of their profile....
and gypsy...thx for giving us a...er...subject....
and if the wind blows....nevermind....
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southernlass
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Oct 18 @ 9:20PM
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Someone asked for clarification regarding the criminal history/background check. I've sent them that, but thought this perspective might benefit the other people out there who are reading this blog as well:
Essentially, you begin to search the internet for a reputable background checker. I used to use one called Intellius. It worked great for me. You'll need your future date's birthdate, full name, city, state, and possibly zip. If he'll give you his address this will help too.
Obviously, you don't a background check on a mere person you are just meeting. You run this on one who you have determined to bring to your home, to expose to your children. You never, ever bring any human being around your kids without running a criminal history background check on them - schools do this automatically for staff, bus drivers etc. It's up to you to do it with the people you expose your kids to.
If you can't find a reasonably priced service that you can afford that will run this criminal history/background check, you go to the local sherrif's dept and ask how much it costs for them to do it -- then you have your perspective future partner agree to go and run this on himself, having you sent the results. If he disagrees, pass on him. Anyone who disagrees has no good reason to disagree, on principle or otherwise. If they disagree, you've just dodged a bullet.
A truly, honest, good man will think you're one smart cookie for looking out for yourself and your children. And every man out here understands how prevalent married men are on online dating sites, and visa versa with the men checking out the women! What's good for the guys, is fair game for the gals.
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