How do you keep a memory alive? Why do they sometimes become disjointed pictures in our head?. A catalogue of minutes in time doesn't capture a feeling.
I used to turn over during those not quite waking moments and feel you close to me. For just a few seconds I was back there again, safe in the knowledge you would never be more than a few feet away, feeling the rise and fall of your body next to mine, wanting to wake you and hold you yet loathe to disturb your peaceful slumber.
Those moments watching you sleeping are still so vivid but I don't feel what I felt then ... sheer contentment, the almost overwhelming pleasure which only comes from being completely in the moment and not wondering or even caring for a second what will happen next.
As I write, I realise I've built a wall around me. Though I long to feel I know my missing you to the very core of my being isn't going to get me through the day. Oh how I miss waking up with you, our quiet conversations punctuated with kisses, the seamless movement from moment to moment, the lack of longing for what had past or anticipation for the future, just you and me and the pure unadulterated pleasure of the seemingly mundane ...
Moments where you cooked and we ate crossed-legged on the floor ... I've not tasted food as good as that before or since, maybe because it wasn't prepared with the love you put into everything you do. Moments where I would marvel how different you looked in different situations and lights ... The intelligent scholar as I snuggled against your shoulder, pouring your love into the words as you read to me, the distraction of your beautiful voice and slender fingers turning the pages ... The concerned parent as I cried frustrated tears when I couldn't sleep ... tenderly bathing my sore legs, pouring all that love into the water as it soothed my skin. The years falling away from your face as you sang and played your guitar and kissed me tenderly just because you could.
Everything with you, everything, each waking moment was like a dream come true ... as we knew it would be! Only better, because how could we really know? No one has even come close before and no one ever will.
Sometimes I feel the memories are fading but now realise it's impossible, I just need to put them away sometimes otherwise everything without you pales into insignificance. I can't let that happen, I have to deal with the here and now, there are things I have to do. The only way I can be strong without you is knowing I can!
We both know we can get by alone, we always have, but it's not about being able to get by, it's about wanting more ... wanting to say goodbye to limbo and start our lives together!
It's not all about climbing mountains, travelling the world and the earth moving, it's enjoying the everyday moments ... the pleasure of going to a mundane job knowing we have eachother to come home to; making the bed together as willingly as tearing our clothes off and falling into it; walking hand in hand at the supermarket and deciding what to have for dinner; taking an unplanned turning on a journey just to see where we end up; snuggling up to watch an old movie, you stroking my hair, kissing the top of my head or laying your head in my lap; talking until we fall asleep and our bodies fitting perfectly together.
It's about knowing you're there and wanting you here!
Please God, make it soon!
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ColdinWisconsin
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Oct 19 @ 10:04PM
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How do you keep a memory alive? Why do they sometimes become disjointed pictures in our head?
Don't ask me. My imagination is so wacked I make things out to be better than they actually are when they aren't in front of me.
More than likely your head is screwed on straighter than mine. 
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moon_watcher53
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Oct 19 @ 10:12PM
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How do you keep a memory alive?
A memory lives only as long as there is someone around to remember it !!
Billions of memories were born today, billions of 'em also died !
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summerbreeze916
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Oct 19 @ 11:00PM
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Sweet, sweet memories. Moon_watcher is right. As long as we breathe...we will have memories. Even the most bitter-sweet memories stay alive within us.
I know you miss Chris so much, Angel, and I'm sure he misses you just as much. I pray he joins you very, very soon, as well.
  
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Wing_Zero_75
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Oct 19 @ 11:23PM
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Everything has a time and a place, dont worry, it may take a while, but in the end it will be worth it. Just hang in there. Yes it may seem like forever, but in the end when your together, it will be a fleeting moment in time.
Larry
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Borty
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Oct 20 @ 12:41AM
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I agree...it is those so called little things that mean so much...even when your not in love...its appreciation of the small things that make life enjoyable. 
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1frantastic
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Oct 20 @ 1:07AM
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When you DON'T have a real person to remember memories...the fantasies you created are memories also....
It is the way to stay sane...or crazy..whichever is best at the time...
Not everyone gets to complete the fantasies we dream of...so we relive whatever moments we did have and hope to have more in the future....and if the future holds disappointment...we re-create pleasant memories to relate to...
Think of all the wars and separated lovers and how they "hung-in there"...
Sometimes memories are all we will have...
Cherish them...even if needed for your own sanity...embellish them....
They are in your mind...as long as it is ONLY your mind you are dealing with...then dream on...sweetly.... 
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misschoos
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Oct 20 @ 11:26AM
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~*~
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