I have noticed over the last few years, how people can want to see someone or something in their own light, making false illusions about them ... making their own world.
Recently for example, a person close to me has been in an emotionally abusive relationship, yet whenever she speaks of him, she speaks with words that seem to describe another person entirely.
And no amount of facing the truth chats from me has done anything to dissuade her. It’s like she has made a fantasy world for herself, creating a false image that suits her idea of what she would really like him to be....
And when its someone close, its hard to watch.
Then theres someone else who has judged a person by an incident that happened years ago, and it didn’t even involve her, but she has it fixed in her mind that this person is not to be trusted, even speaks with spite when their name is mentioned.
The person she refers to is a good friend of mine, and makes it very difficult for family and friends get togethers, because she says she will not go if THEY are there!
No amount of talks with me, reassuring her that it was a one off has made the slightest difference; it’s a bee in her bonnet that she refuses to overcome.
She has created an image in her mind of this person, a world, in which she is stuck in and will not budge.
For some, reality isn’t something they want to deal with, its as though they want to live in these worlds.
Seeing people how they really are, is often difficult for some, even when the evidence is overwhelming to the contrary, they stick with their own beliefs and opinions, little realising that they are only damaging themselves, and sometimes even the people around them who try desperately to make them see the light.
Its far harder for the people who are close, the people who care, who have no choice but to sit and watch helplessly.
Stubborn… bloody minded…and sometimes even in denial completely, it takes a final outcome of heartbreak or disaster in one way or another before they will ever accept the truth.
And what I’ve come to the conclusion with, is that the fault is theirs and theirs alone, not the person they are creating the world around.. but them themselves, and with it comes the unwillingness to accept that the fault is indeed with them, for to do so would mean admitting that they have been wrong, and for some, admitting ones own failings is near on impossible.
Yet to admit ones failings, to recognise when one has misjudged, is not a fault, but a sign of strength, ability and even a virtue.
And it can also be said that these same people would never wish to be misjudged themselves, and when it is with relationships that they have delusions about, although they argue back, would be the first to ask ‘Why didn’t you warn me” when it all goes wrong.
Seeing life from a distance is always easier than for the person living it…
And whilst our journeys take us along our paths in life,…
With their stubbornness and refusal to see the light and move on.. they remain at the station, unmoving, stagnant and completely unaware, living in a false world they believe is reality.
And all we can do as friends and family members is watch…
… And be there.. when they finally see the light.
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john49887
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Oct 23 @ 1:50PM
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For some, reality isn’t something they want to deal with, its as though they want to live in these worlds
Some would prefer to live in a fantasy world because they find reality too difficult to contend with.
Sad but true.
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travelwoman
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Oct 23 @ 1:57PM
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Living in denial in an abusive relationship happens a lot, or else NO one would live in such situations. The problems are unfortunately so big, for letting go if denial and false justifications, that many people will never overcome them.
It is very sad.
Just as it is very sad how many people live with prejudices in their mind that have a tiny incident as origin, and they never got over that.
You know, it needs courage to look at oneself, and admit that one might be wrong.
It needs courage to step out of the world we know (but which is false) into the great unknown, which would be more truthful.
People have been raised in a house filled with lies and denial. And these false things made it somehow bearable. Now they "just" continue the tradition.
Maybe if you hint-hint-hint about the courage it needs to review one's opinions and dare adjusting them to new realities... ?
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gunn12fan
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Oct 23 @ 2:03PM
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so true
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Wing_Zero_75
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Oct 23 @ 4:12PM
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Alright, I couldnt help but to comment.
People like that are like animals being thrown a bone every now and then to keep the illusion up. An i love you or a nice gesture suddenly makes things all better. These people, unless the other leaves them, will forever be in an endless cycle. There is nothing you can say or do to help them, other than watch from a far. They so desperately want to be loved, no matter the price.
I was one of them and can fall into that trap again. I was with someone for 4 yours. The first year was fine, but after that....... Ever have someone hit you in the face so hard your teeth break? The sound alone is enough to make you throw up, let alone the pain. Blood gushing out of your mouth because it almost went through your cheek. It tore the shit out of my gums on one side. After the initial adrenaline, the pain sets in. I have tortured myself beyong words, but this was more than I could take. Try going to college with a bunch of people asking you what happened. And yes I made all of the excuses, I loved her with all of my being. I even slit my wrist because that was what she wanted.
She finally left me when she was pretty much done with school and I was of no use to her. Shit, we even went a year without sex because she said she was afraid of getting pregnant, and I was fine with it, as long as she didnt leave me. I just didnt know she was screwing one of my good friends.
Yeah................ there is so much more that I dont talk much about, but has burned me out with women. The really f*cked up thing was, I chose these women because they looked like my mother, In therapy I had that revelation and wanted to jump off of something very high. It all boils down to I was searching for the love and acceptance through women who resembled my mother to feel something other than comtemptand hatred from my own mother. Kind of like transferance.
Thats more than I wanted most people to know about how F*CKING STUPID I WAS.
Larry
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edthepoet
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Oct 23 @ 4:58PM
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It's self-brain-washing, after the person self-esteem has been beaten out of them.
The abuser uses slow but steady techniques to help this process along, sadly.
After a bit, the goal is to isolate them from family and friends, get them pregnant and make them strave and beg for some affection.
They are the walking dead.
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Blaiserboy
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Oct 23 @ 5:14PM
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I think edthepoet has a right idea.. these people have been pounded so hard that they have lost touch..... and it may have happened so long ago that they do not recall the trauma....
I have made a few mistakes in a similar vein and been almost too embarrassed to admit it a couple days later when I thought it over. We all have opportunities to make mistakes and learn from them...
This is a super post, an opportunity for us to see ourselves...!!!!!!!!
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WSOR
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Oct 23 @ 8:51PM
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Some would prefer to live in a fantasy world because they find reality too difficult to contend with. 
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1frantastic
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Oct 23 @ 9:38PM
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They so desperately want to be loved, no matter the price.
and some will pay any price as long as they "get a return" on their investment..... 
good blog.....
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BionicCouple
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Oct 24 @ 4:43AM
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Unfortunately some are unable to see the bigger picture ... I don't see it as "fault" exactly, rather being able to take responsibility for our part in a situation. Even a victim is partly responsible for how they've ended up where they are, but it's hard to see that when we're living it.
It's not about "stupidity" as someone commented ... it's about the ability to love ourselves ... Sadly, too many believe having someone, anyone, in their lives validates them.
Someone who is in a happy, stable relationship doesn't need to talk about their partner until the cows come home, extolling their virtues, because they don't need affirmation from anyone else. Warning bells always ring with me when everything someone says comes back to him/her. I've done it myself in the past to a degree ... If something or someone makes us insecure we are more likely to want to talk about it but those who are afraid of making mistakes or worse still having to admit it can only talk around the subject.
This is an excellent blog, Charligurl ... I feel your frustration at not being able to point out the patently obvious to people you care about. Unfortunately, very few would listen and even less would understand. People do change sometimes, I've seen it, but only when they want to ... nothing anyone can say will make them if they don't.
I have been to a number of personal development workshops over the years, some of us get so much from it yet others remain unaffected. For me, I would rather re-live the pain of the past and take responsibility for it than go on making the same mistakes over and over ... We all die one day and I would hate to take my last breath wondering how I could have changed my life for the better.
For some, it's safer to live in their own little boxes, always being right, irrespective of how it affects others. For some reason that doesn't look like the most attractive option to me. ... but there's nowt as strange as folk as they say oop narth!
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