Alright, to understand the title, you have to listen to AFI's song Ok, I feel better now. The last part is kind of from Ghost in the Shell. When the laughing man wrote in paint" I thought what I'd do was. Id pretend I was one of those deaf mutes". After that, he wrote, "... or should I?" The comment to that later in the series was he dared to modify the quote. Yes I dare to modify the quote. Sometimes reality forces the situation for us to do so.
There are parts of me that are darker than the others. I am Larry, I will be your tour guide through this insanity. Please keep all body parts inside the trolley, or they will be cut off and fed to the random vermin scouring my mind.
With that said, how much suffering is enough? I have one ex, one that to even this day has some sort of effect on my actions. Basically, she burned me out and the last ex finished her lesson.
When she left me, I decided I would try out my new found knowledge. I have always had an affinty for darkness. Some people are born in the light, others are born in darkness. April and I were both children of Hell, she taught me a couple things and I handed her the world. I would like to think that what she has accomplished is partly attributed to me. Maybe I am right, maybe I am wrong. I taught her to see the world as I do. I think one of her problems was she saw too much too fast. She would challenge me with new questions and in time I was able to give her answers.
Anyways, when she left me, in my sorrow I sent things after her. All that was needed was a little blood. Once it sets in, the malice, anger and rage cannot be gotten rid of. I asked for absolute destruction of her life, what she did to me. After a couple years we started talking..... kind of. The one she left me for beat her, cheated on her, destroyed everything I had built her up to. I was happy, and yet not satisfied. I also felt such a sorrow. The women I once held up so high and loved more than life itself, though she came in as a close second to Bear. Was in complete ruin. Her every thought was about wanting to end it all, but the meds she was on made her misery tolerable. She actually apoligized to me, a very truely honest sincere apology. She knew what she did to me, as it was done to her. I had gotten what I had asked for, but it still wasnt enough. Her heart still beat in her chest, her soul still bound to her flesh. The person she was died. Its hard trying to figure things out. The woman I loved and knew inside and out, was never to be known again. How could I love someone who I dont know anymore? Now there is a hollow shell of a woman who is waiting for me to go and kill her.
To the point. I have offered whatever life I can feed on to continue her suffering and misery. The powers that be, have given me a lot of leeway in this. My problem is the price. I have set limits on what I am willing to offer up. My kittens, Hunter, and my father are off limits. My friends are under my protection, their rules of engagement are set. Im not going to try and explain on this one. If you know what I am talking about, then cool, if not, I will only confuse you. Or make you think I am completely crazy. Someone here with the word spirit in her user name knows what I am talking about. To an extent, as I dont think she has ventured into absolute darkness.
Anyways, she contacted me the other day. She has a form of spinal degeneration and has ruptured 3 vertebrae (sp?) Its still not enough. I dont understand why I cannot let go of this rage. To call it any less would to do it an injustice as even rage cannot begin to describe what I feel. I chose her over everything but Bear. I turned my back on my friends and family. Then she turned her back on me.
Even though I dont really do the whole forgiving thing, I have forgiven her a long time ago after the apology. Why cant I just let it go at that?
Larry
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| Ok, I feel better now......... or do I? |
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CHARLIgurl1
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Oct 26 @ 2:18PM
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Sometimes Its not just about forgiving,
Sometimes when someone stops loving us, we not only cant understand what happened.. but we almost feel resentful, angry.
Almost like a "How dare you after all I did for you.'
We cant make people love us, no matter what we do for them or how much we give up..
and accepting it is the hardest part.
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Fender
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Oct 26 @ 4:03PM
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I get the gist of what your saying...I've read some books...Just be careful with what you do and hopefully your true forgiveness will make it better 
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