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Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles. -- Charlie Chaplin
I've made a certain secret vow to myself as of late. Actually, a couple of them. The first being to try to not try so hard to aim for perfection. I think I have become complacent about a relationship because it seems that I have always had to try to fit into a certain thought of / craved / sought after mold. But with the past few years of my alone time since the divorce, I have realized that I have allowed the criticism of others to affect my very own self esteem. And those that have known me since I was a wee sprout know that I had very little to begin with because of family issues, etc.
After I left my parents' apartment at the age of 19 until I was 22 and then with child and married, I worked hard at finding the quality that most seem to have been naturally born with.. self love/respect. I guess the old Pavlovian theory holds true. If you are not nurtured with those good issues and concepts about your abilities and your inner strengths and qualities are never really seen or appreciated, you tend to go inward, to become introverted and shy away from contact because you realize that contact will only bring more negativity and God knows that is not what your soul, your being are in desperate need of. So once on my own, I did for me for the first time in my 19 years.. not cognizant of my sisters, or brothers, or parents, for that matter, needs. Not hoping to garner praise, attention or the words of "love" from anyone, but turning inward and making a point of acknowledging to myself my good qualities. I found that if I looked hard enough there were those small inklings of goodness and cooperation of working for the good of others that would foster this tiny spark.
Over the years, with the caring about children, spouse, ailing siblings, nieces, nephews and the like, I put that spark out again.. concentrating on other issues because I was still looking for that acceptance and love which seemed only to be dangling right outside of the grip of my arms. With the 2 semi relationships and the other dates I have had, I was hoping for someone to see what others who boldly went before them failed to find... that quality that would make my companion in life want to feel the same as Reba MacIntyre states in her newest song.. Consider Me Gone:
If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then I guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone
I have become content with my life because I am learning to stand back and look at me and what I have been doing in the last 10 years and every now and again, be able and proud to say: "Yep, I did that"... so Chaplin's quote rings true.. and
*drum roll Please...* for gramps:
The Itch
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of the story............Pay your bills.
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| Nothing is permanent in this wicked world.. and the Itch.... |
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Fender
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Oct 27 @ 9:00PM
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I have become content with my life because I am learning to stand back and look at me and what I have been doing in the last 10 years and every now and again, be able and proud to say:
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Fender
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Oct 27 @ 9:01PM
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Oops 
What I meant to post is:
I have become content with my life because I am learning to stand back and look at me and what I have been doing in the last 10 years and every now and again, be able and proud to say: "Yep, I did that"...
Which makes you the wonderful person you are! 
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Mission_Impossible139
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Oct 27 @ 9:20PM
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Have you lost your drive for true love and understanding? Are you giving up?
Saying to hell with the possibility and thinking that the lonely nights will be overcome with some kind of inner realization? Or are your romantic inclinations taking a daring new path? Yoga, meditation and a glass of Merlot in front of a fire on a thick shaggy carpet on a long winter's night.
Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs,
Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes,
Being vexed, a sea nourished with lovers' tears.
What is it else? A madness most discreet,
A choking gall and a preserving sweet.
-- William Shakespeare
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butterfly943
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Oct 27 @ 9:55PM
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Oh "C' I can relate so much to this.... I guess the old Pavlovian theory holds true. If you are not nurtured with those good issues and concepts about your abilities and your inner strengths and qualities are never really seen or appreciated, you tend to go inward, to become introverted and shy away from contact because you realize that contact will only bring more negativity and God knows that is not what your soul, your being are in desperate need of. 
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misschoos
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Oct 27 @ 10:02PM
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Kudos Madame as always. 
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ColdinWisconsin
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Oct 27 @ 10:14PM
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I have become content with my life because I am learning to stand back and look at me and what I have been doing in the last 10 years and every now and again, be able and proud to say: "Yep, I did that"...
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albertafire
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Oct 28 @ 12:01AM
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 enjoyed reading your blog...
true it is,,
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