Most of the writing I do is based on what I have learned and have seen. This is more of a different approach of my quest for self. .......Ive been talking to an ex of mine, the one I will torment until all of creation is too old to maintain itself. Think restraunt at the end of the universe, though only a few will really understand that one. (not meant to be an insult, you just need to read Mr. Adams.)
Anyways, I was defending my life to this..........ex. She made the comment that I am only happy where i am because thats as far as I can go. Kind of like, if your stuck in a rut, instead of bitching, be happy with it. I cant hide much from her, she knows me too well.
Her quest in life is to obtain everything she can. To me that is a hollow existence. When one fills the hole in ourselves with material things, the hole becomes hungrier. We continue to allow this hole to grow and fill it with so much crap. Why in f*cking Hell would storage facilities be popping up so fast? I understand the need for temporary storage. Moving, death in the family, or something of the like. But to rent one just to hold your excess shit? Look at the newer houses. How much space does one have to fill before the void in themselves no longer hungers? Will one more item make it stop? Will redecorating one more time make you happy? The answer is yes. It will, but for how long? How long can you go before it sets in again. How long will it take you to dance to the tune of an abyss inside yourself? Anything material can be taken from you. When all is lost, the hole consumes you. Everything that made you happy is gone. Look at the murder-suicides through out the country when the economic collapse first started taking hold. Instead of losing everything they own, someone threw away what truely mattered.
Sad. That is the only word that can truely describe it.
That is just an indication of how far man has truely fallen. We are about to lose everything, hey lets kill the wife an kids and then yourself. Death must surely be more appealing than the loss of your shiny f*cking stones.
Anyways, My arguement is that I would rather fill my void with things that cannot be taken away. I am guilty of my shiny stones. ...........wow, that could be taken sooooo out of context. *coughs* I have my movies and video games and the things that distract me. I love a good movie now and then and dont begrudge myself on things like that. I do however refuse to blow $600 on a video game system. A computer is a little different, but its multi functional. I wait for the movies to drop in price before I buy them. I am patient,......well except for anime, but that doesnt seem to really drop in price. My book obsession is a bit expensive at times, what can I say, I am a sucker for old books. BUT, even if I lost them, I still have their knowledge stored in this hat carrier I call a head. No one can take that from me. What is inside of them and what I have learned from them feed my hole. It is something just short of major head trauma, can never be taken from me. What I do own, I hold in a sort of contempt. I realize that none of these objects will ever make me happy, and as such, I see them as they are. I do have things I would be devestated to lose. A cat tapestry and wooden cat statue, and of course my Snoopy. .........my philosophy and WW2 book collection. But even then, they are just physical memories. Those things pale in comparison to my little pecker heads, 1,2, and 3. As much as they drive me up a wall, I would save them first if anything happened. They make me happy and are what truely matter.
............any comments about them being just cats and I will unleash the force of Hell upon you and your family and friends.   .They are worth more to me than a billion souls a peice.
She still thinks I am so dug into a rut that I just gave up and decided to be content than miserable. I say, I have found my happiness is the simpler things in life that are real and not an illusuion. Or maybe Im kidding myself. I think shes wrong.
Anyways, this comming from a person that said what we had during those 4 years together was just "(11/1/2009 6:54:46 PM): all that crap was just me having too much spare time"
Ive answered my question why its not enough. The good news is I am not pining for her, and the only reason I miss her, is because shes too far away to shoot. Shes the one to get a hold of me, and for some sick twisted self masochist reason, I talk to her
And women wonder why I dont respond nicely a second time when I tell them I am not interested. Some things shattered are better off left alone to rot and decay.
Larry
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| GUILTY.............. but of what? |
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