There is a second or two during each first waking moment where everything is just fine, then I remember I'm me and what that means.
What happens to a person when each corner they turn appears to lead somewhere then apparently nowhere?
To begin with they dig into the bags of resourcefulness and patience they carry everywhere with them and try another route. When that leads nowhere they try again and again until their destination fades to the point where it seems an impossible dream.
What happened to me? Where did I go? Who stole my positivity and left me with what feels like complete hopelessness.
This isn't depression, it's worse. With depression I felt something! When things are that bad there is always a glimmer of hope because the only way is up.
I don't even know what this feeling is, all I know is I want it to go away.
I don't want to just function, I want to live, I want to be a valuable member of society, I want to feel life is worth living, not just a plod along existence. I'm tired of having responsibilities I can't live up to and everyone saying it's okay when it doesn't feel okay. I'm tired of everyone thinking they know how I feel when they really can't because they're not me. I'm tired of waking up every day and wishing I could just go back to sleep again because being able to get through each day just isn't enough.
I have felt this way around the same time every year for the past decade no matter what is going on in my life and no matter how much I tell myself "it's going to be different this time".
Several things happened over the last decade to change the course of my life and I'm wondering if the scars will ever heal. Perhaps some experiences leave a pattern so deep our wheels always find a way back into the ruts left by that journey, forcing us to relive it again ... if not the journey itself, the feelings we experienced.
I always thought it would get better in time, I always thought if I didn't anticipate it those old hurts wouldn't come back, but they always do.
I used to try so hard to make it stop, I always found ways of loving myself enough, but I feel I've run out of love, I don't know where it went, perhaps it went with me wherever I've gone. I always wondered what people meant when they talked about finding themselves. I always thought I knew essentially who I was and where I was, I just had to discover why I'm here and it would all make sense. I'm going on a spiritual journey next weekend, maybe I'll find myself there.
I had thought I was on the right track, it was beginning to make sense, I was actually happy for the first time in a very long time.
They tell me how wonderful I am, worthy, loveable and talented and for a while I believed them. I trust them more than I trust myself so why don't I believe them now? I just woke up one day and my confidence had disappeared, the person who thought she could do whatever she set her mind to had gone too. I feel empty.
Is it old patterns? Am I just getting old? Is life getting worse to get better? If it does get better how long will it be before it just gets worse again? I wish I knew, all I know is I'm so tired of going down what appears to be a different path and ending up on the same old path leading to nowhere. I need to see progress.
I can handle being out of work to a point, there are only so many jobs out there and all I can do is keep plodding away until that job with my name on it comes up, but it's hard at times.
I can handle being a single parent, I was doing everything for them even when I was with their Father, but it's hard at times.
I can handle having little money, it's sometimes simpler to live with less money, but it's hard at times.
I can handle looking after others who are ill then catching it too and having to take care of myself, but it's hard at times.
I can handle giving up smoking, I was looking for a way and being ill has really helped, but it's hard at times.
I can handle the love of my life being several thousand miles away, I'm used to it to a point, but it's hard at times.
But I can't handle it today.
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read more blogs!
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Borty
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Nov 8 @ 4:49AM
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Congratulations on getting rid of the smokes. I'm like a walking smoke stack..well I gots the dishes done..time to have a smoke...finished my exercise..time for a smoke...typing on the computer ...time for a smoke. I'm like the guy who doesn't think polution of the lakes, streams, rivers, atmosphere is a problem. I've got a great big mouth that screams DENIAL ..everytime I light up a smoke.
There that's my little rant. Hope you don't mind Angel...old Borts gotta blow off some steam too...
Sounds like you have lots of stuff on your plate. When I get like that I try to remember the one step at a time philosophy..put everything into perspective by compartmentalizing...sort of like keeping it simple. Sort of like being lost in a maze...if I panic..I start banging into walls and hurt myself...so I force myself to slow down and work my way out of it and there's always an entrance and exit to things...sometimes I find myself getting out through the entrance...I know its cheating, but I just wanna find a way out so I can get a birds eye view of the maze...Life is like a pair of panties ..lots of ups and downs...anyways thanks for listening...Your friend ..Professor Pan T Borty... 
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misschoos
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Nov 8 @ 4:57AM
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Go for a brisk walk, kick the autumn leaves, make a paper boat and watch it float downstream and catch a falling leaf. Put some chestnuts in to roast when you get back, then call Chris.
I need to see progress.
You are a woman, you will always need this.
~*~
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sybnann
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Nov 8 @ 11:45AM
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I feel a lot the way you do and often. I am not sure either of the cause or the solution, but I do commend you for making it this far. I am thinking it may have to do with old self esteem issues in general, at least to a point, but who knows.?
What I have done is to chose what almost always makes me feel alive and fill my days with as much laughter as I can, and then just coast for a bit, hoping that it will all come together soon. What is there to come together? I am not sure of that either, but I do feel that it is in the hands of our higher power, and just that knowledge, helps in my case, to get me through it one day at a time.
Good luck to you!!! 
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