I don't have a 'best' friend. Hell, I don't think I even have any friends. I moved away from what I consider my home town of twelve years but the best and only friend I ever really had died what seems to be a million years ago (but is on actually nine) in 2001.
I have such a hard time forming emotional attatchments to people. I am open about who I am and what I have experienced in my life but the hardships have come in so many forceful waves that I can look at a complete stranger and recount a traumatic time in my life like I was placing an order at KFC. It's emotionless. I don't have to trust them not to tell; I don't mind telling. It's not that it doesn't hurt and that I don't sit all alone and cry sometimes; I do. It's just that I would never show that side of myself to very many people. It's a part of me that is so vulnerable and child-like and oh so damaged that I don't think many people could handle it and it would most definitely scare some away. In fact, it already has. Many. But, recounting the events that cause my lonely and painful feelings are entertaining horror stories for one and all.
And yet... I want that bond with someone again. Like I had with my best friend Nancy. She died at age 23 of a heart attack. I won't go into the details but she was very young and it shocked us all and it ripped away not only my best friend but someone I considered a sister; no, not considered - not claimed - She WAS my sister by all rights-and it tore my soul in two. Nancy knew things about me, about things that happened to me, about things that I did that I was proud of, or not proud of; she knew EVERYTHING about me. She was the one person on this Earth that I trusted and told my secrets to. We'd sit for hours nursing cokes or beers and share the pain and suffering of our lives and we'd cry and laugh, We'd hold hands and find junk food or take off in the middle of the night to an all night diner and sip coffee and laugh some more over breakfast. She was an angel that I thought God had sent to me and I was sure that I would have her in my life for a very long time. In reality we only spent three years together as sisters and friends.
And for the nine years after that, I have never been as close to another soul. Not even my own flesh of my flesh sisters. There are many reasons for that as well, as we all grew up apart in foster care, but blood may not be thicker than water when water is all you need to wash your hurt away. Nancy did that for me.
I look around at work and see petty snide games being played, I see favortism, I see hatred breed silently and girls talk about each other behind their backs. I see false comradory (sp?) and real tension. I see anger. I see no one who desires to help another. I see desires to get in good with the boss or get ahead at all costs. Even the boss is part of these shenanigans. And why? Why as women can't we stand up and stand beside each other, help to unify our goals and put aside our differences? Why can't we care? We're supposed to be the fairer sex, but I see no fairness among us. It's always that we feel that we must scratch and claw our way to the top and step or stomp on whomever is in our way.
This has always been the way I see the world, wherever I go. In school, in church, in the foster homes I was raised in, there was no sense of moral obligation; no sense of duty, no sense of family So, with no sense of family, I made quick work to make it have no sense to have any real friends. I'm too afraid to take that leap. I'd sooner marry someone for security and health than marry them for love and passion. I don't befriend anyone beyond having to say hello and make small talks and jokes with them at work, I have the perfect job because I am usually there alone and I see four or five hundred people a day for about two to five minutes a day.
In short, I have wrapped myself in a cocoon, and I don't know how to get out of it. I sat down here to write this tonight because an old friend - or should I say an old acqauintance- of mine wrecked her car and was killed last night on a nearby road. We used to work together and she came over to mine and my sister's first ratty apartment to hang out and eat spaghettios and listen to music. I was fond of her but never close. Her death shook me a little tonight because it made me wonder why... why in the world... don't I have any friends? She could have been one for a lifetime if I'd only made the effort. Why am I so guarded? Now I don't have the chance to speak to her, to rekindle a budding friendship.. she was here.. and now she's gone. I knew where she worked. I knew where she lived.... but I know why...
I don't have a 'best' friend. Or any friends.
Copy & paste to friend: (Click inside box; Ctrl + C to copy; Ctrl + V to paste)
|
|
read more blogs!
|
WSOR
|
Jan 18 @ 8:09AM
|
|
The only 2 pieces of advice I have are to just be yourself & if you're happy with who you are it will radiate to your outside & personality.  Also, I see you are a Christian, so ask the Lord for understanding, guidance, & patience, & maybe that little extra boost when the time comes where someone catches your eye. Best of luck to you! 
|
|
Fayvorite
|
Jan 18 @ 8:24AM
|
|
Two sayings come to mind:
"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Maybe your guard is too high? I'm assuming you had a very traumatic childhood or past, hence the guard. The fear of being hurt again is a hard obstacle to overcome but can be done. Trusting just a little at first is a start. Having a best friend is marvelous. Just take a little of your time to show some kindness to people you close out and maybe the door will start to open making room for a friend to enter.
A friend being as close if not closer than a blood sister brings me to the second saying, "Blood is thicker than water" BUT "Love is thicker than blood!"
Focus intently on what you want and take small steps to get there and guess what? You will get there.
|
|
moon_watcher53
|
Jan 18 @ 8:34AM
|
|
It's always that we feel that we must scratch and claw our way to the top and step or stomp on whomever is in our way.
The ladder of success does not discriminate !!
One of my favorite mottos is:
"I'd rather be alone than to be wishing I were"
Nice blog MonkeyWoman
|
|
Wing_Zero_75
|
Jan 18 @ 10:47AM
|
|
Your blog reminds me of the song I am a rock by Simon and Garfunkle.
Sometimes when we are used and abused by people, we tend to shut down. Its easier not to feel than to feel hurt.
Larry
|
|
Tiramisu4u
|
Jan 18 @ 11:40AM
|
|
Hun...there are so many out there suffering the way you are...and afraid to make a fresh start.
First...you might look for a local church...one that maybe has a womans group...get involved...start by meeting new people...
Or look around at work...is there someone else that has distanced themselves from the rest? Ask her out for coffee...
You dont have to reveal your fears, the past, or anything personal...just smile and show the beautiful side of you...you may find there are people that are like you, and don't know what to do about it.
The main thing, CHOOSE to make a difference in your life...baby steps...you may be surprised at what you find. When you give a little part of yourself, you will gain so much! 
I wish you all the best...
|
|
dharmaseeker
|
Jan 18 @ 2:16PM
|
|
It's interesting how people from incredibly different backgrounds can wind up in the same place, emotionally, mentally, and within a relationship.
MW, are you friends with your spouse? I see that you are married. Is that enough? You don't have to answer here. You just sound too much like me not to ask.
All the responses to your blog today are no doubt well meaning but give platitudes.
Moonwatcher said: The ladder of success does not discriminate !!
One of my favorite mottos is:
"I'd rather be alone than to be wishing I were"
I entirely disagree with that one. You are right, in this country the only way to the top is over the back of co-workers. It's the same in corporate or government environments. It's not the ladder but the people jerking and scrambling over those simply trying to climb it ethically and honestly that discriminate.
You dont have to reveal your fears, the past, or anything personal...just smile and show the beautiful side of you...you may find there are people that are like you, and don't know what to do about it.
The main thing, CHOOSE to make a difference in your life...baby steps...you may be surprised at what you find. When you give a little part of yourself, you will gain so much!
The problem with people in this world is that they're afraid of honesty and directness. A few might say "I don't want to hear it" but many, many more will think it. People don't really care. This I've learned.
It sounds good, "choose" to make a difference. But life is hardly so simple. Sticking your neck out is a big risk. Whom can you trust? And even if there's someone you can trust how do you know they will be around next week?
It's a strange, unattractive, fickle world.
What I did not see in these public posts were anyone who simply said, "I am your friend." Might have happened in personal emails, maybe.
For me, although we're worlds apart and it simply might not matter so much but I can say that I do understand what you say. I have one sort'of friend but no real, true friends for many years and not a best friend in a couple of decades.
Are there answers to your heartache? I don't know. If there are I do not know what they are. In any case, though I have not a single piece of advice I can offer one thing:
I will be your friend.
|
|
silksox
|
Jan 19 @ 3:19PM
|
|
Hello Monkey  
I have no words of advice...or counsel...you have probably heard them all.
Just my open offer of friendship...the REAL kind.
silks
|
|
|