Sexual morality -- Part 5 posted 10/5/2006 10:16:08 PM | 3 kudos what's this?     report abuse

lacyvsq

What is it that started my exploration of this topic? Certainly it has not been a fun topic for me. I doubt it is even all that fun to read.

I have insulated myself from face-to-face or body-to-body contact with people for some time now. Oh, I've met people for coffee or drinks or at a gathering in California or out of town, but I have always on some level made sure there was some barrier to physical contact -- not insurmountable if real desire had been there, but something that rationally prevented sexual intimacy.

I am at a place where I want to remove barriers to relationship. I have discovered the source of my previous fear of commitment. I have grieved the loss of family. I am now ready to share my life with a man.

I like people. And I like sex. And when I am really enjoying being with a man, there is a desire to merge mentally, spiritually and physically. But, one cannot do that too often before one is considered promiscuous or a whore. And, in my parents' religion, one does not do it at all outside of marriage without being considered a sinner. Of course, those considerations are only as important as I value them -- which is really not much. I take that back. It matters not to me what society or a church thinks of me, but any box into which I am placed by someone with whom I have merged so completely, matters tremendously.

On the one hand is a powerful physical drive -- which can be exerted casually -- and on the other is a desire to be valued and to give value -- about which there is nothing casual.

There is a part of me that would just like to be a sport f***ing athlete. There is the other part that recognizes that when two people become one -- which is what sex really is -- that there is more than just an exchange of bodily fluids -- and that “more” happens every time, no matter how much one would claim otherwise. There is an underlying spiritual factor -- a statement about how one values oneself and how one values the other person. In that expressing of value, there is more than giving good or bad or mediocre or marginal physical feelings to oneself and ones partner. There are the emotional feelings with which you and your partner are left.

A thoughtful and considerate lover does not merely ensure that his or her partner has a wonderful orgasm. (Partner can generally do that on his/her own.) A thoughtful and considerate lover adds to that by determining how the partner feels valued and then giving that as well – but only if it does not diminish (devalue) giver.

For example, if I only feel valued by large shiny rocks, but they impoverish you, you will not be a really thoughtful and considerable lover for me (unless and until you have educated me on other ways to feel valued.) If I value myself only when I am following the religious education given me by my parents, you will be a thoughtful and considerate lover only when we are married and you have no living ex-wife.

As stated in my previous blog, I value myself when I am expressing who I am. Therefore a thoughtful and considerate lover for me, would be one who knew that in sexual intimacy, I was expressing who I am. I would expect that might take a little time to discover (particularly since I have many facets.)

I had drinks recently with a very nice looking, very interesting, much younger single man. We talked of many things, including sex. I was surprised when I asked him if sex belonged only in marriage and he said yes. I had a very nice time with this man and had that desire to merge physically. I even suggested it – but it did not happen. How unfair, unloving, selfish, stupid and immoral of me to suggest something that would have left him and me with guilt – him for violating a belief, me for creating the opportunity for that.

Many women, and perhaps men as well on some level, find sex without love immoral. A corollary of that is that if you love, it should be expressed in sex. Supposedly there is a chemical released in women during sex which instills feelings of love, and more than one man (non-lovers, all) has told me that a man only feels loved when there is a physical expression. ie. Sex makes a woman feel loving and a man feel loved.

I emailed the section above to redtigr to get some feedback on it. I wanted an opinion from her as to whether I really had anything to say and as to whether I was opening myself up too much -- although I am not really sure I put my request to her in those terms. I added the following.

That's as far as I got. Perhaps it is that most of my sexual encounters did not involve love that makes it depressing for me now. I was actually surprised after my first sexual experience that I did not feel guilty. Depression has set in I think when I actually had a relationship or someone about whom I wanted to care and from whom I desired love. Well, damn, got quite a hit off typing that.

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Blogs by lacyvsq: Living life... Paperwork... All fear is past and only love is here. More Trust...responses to comments on my previous blog III More Trust...responses to comments on my previous blog II More Trust...responses to comments on my previous blog Addendum to "How to Format a Blog 101" by redtigr Trust OK gentlemen -- now my curiosity... Falling in Love Again… A Good Day and A Bad Night... Sexual morality -- Part 6 and Love -- Part 6 Sexual morality -- Part 5 Hurt... Sexual morality -- Part 4 This Snopes is for you Sexual morality -- Part 3 Sexual morality -- Part 2 Sexual morality -- Part 1 News to me... On Writing... Another facet...A pup and a pop Pt5 (conclusion - maybe) Another facet...A pup and a pop Pt4 Another facet...A pup and a pop Pt3 From my offsite email...