…can’t help it… ~Marlene Dietrich singing in some movie...
Paul was perhaps the most completely gone I ever fell. I have these memories of him…
We were on my bed. I was living with a woman in her 90s and the bedroom was where Paul and I could have privacy. It was after work and we were just in one another’s company – not touching, not really conversing, not looking at one another except occasionally. He said, “This is the strangest non-relationship relationship I have ever been in.”
I did not even ask him what he meant. We were not calling what was between us a relationship. He said he needed six months before he would be ready for relationship. I should just trust him. And being with him felt so right, so complete, that I did trust him. “It is for me too,” I answered. “I can’t usually stand to spend this much time with someone without time alone.”
Christmas day and we had reservations for a buffet brunch at a large hotel. We have come from church and I am wearing the teal silk shirt he gave me. We get up and go to select the food for our next course. There is a line and as we wait, he puts his arm around me and draws me close and tells me I am gorgeous. The words sound wonderful to me, but it is the look in his eyes which melt me.
We are painting my house so it can be sold. I am on the roof painting the trim over the garage. He is on the ladder on the side of the house. He looks over the top of the house and briefly catches my eye and smile. I know that he will never be mine, that his wife is moving to be with him. They have reconciled and I will not come between them, but I do not regret loving this man.
Then his wife and I have a couple of conversations and compare notes and I discover the lies and deceit and realize I have believed what I wanted to believe, seen what I wanted to see. I am angry at him for his dishonesty with me and his wife. The three of us could have been friends. I doubt my own ability to make wise decisions for myself, to see things clearly. I long for the bliss I felt in the time I spent with him and despair of ever feeling it again. Anger, doubt, loss…
My chiropractor tells me I will someday know the reason for all that has transpired. Another friend introduces me to the Jungian concept of the shadow. The qualities I loved in Paul are my shadow qualities that I love in myself. We draw to us people who mirror us. But why would I draw a lying cheat? My friend said, “Repeat after me. I LIED TO MYSELF.” Ouch.
I like falling in love. I do it often these days. The bliss is not as long-lasting nor intense as it was with Paul, but neither do I suffer the loss as I did with him. I see myself in those with whom I fall in love. There have not been any liars or cheats for some time. Perhaps one day one of those with whom I fall in love will choose to make a life with me.
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