My Feelings of Guilt and Sadness posted 12/16/2006 9:35:24 PM | 4 kudos what's this?     report abuse

Lovinheart445

The other day I was on the general forum reading some of the post under the thread “Feeling Awkward” These people were talking about embarrassing moments they once had. The discussion got around to embarrassing incidents at funerals. While I was reading them, I felt a wave of emotions sweep over me. Feelings of sadness, and guilt. Powerful emotions; but I suppose all emotions are powerful.

What I was suddenly feeling brought tears to my eyes, and a deep sense of profound sadness. I started to think about my exwife who had passed away September 30, 2005. She was my first wife, Linda. We had been married for 33 years, and had 3 daughters together. Went through a lot of hard times, and good times together, but mostly bad times because of me. Why I say that is because I was at the time at very self-centered selfish s.o.b. with a big ego. I didn’t realize I was that way until she told me what she thought just before our divorce in 1999. When she told me that, it was like being hit over the head with a hammer. Never had she ever criticized me during our long marriage until then. After thinking about what she said, I realized how right she was, and decided to change. It was hard to change, but I did, and when I married my second wife, Jennifer that same year, I was constantly on guard of myself, and devoted myself entirely to my new wife. It was a great feeling to get out of myself, and give to others. Unfortunately that wasn’t enough because that marriage lasted only 4 ½ years, but it did teach me something, and that was to be a better person.

After the divorce from Jennifer, and me going crazy for several months, Linda started calling me, and coming to my home to visit. After about a month, she asked me if I would like to come back. I agreed, but first I felt I should sit her down, and explain my feelings. I told her I would come back “home”but only as a house mate. I had to be honest with her, and explain to her that I wasn’t in love with her, but I did love her. I still had at the time strong feelings for Jennifer, and I needed time. She said she understood, but after a couple of months or so, she started to let me know that she was wanting more from me. She said that she was always in love with me, and that hadn’t changed even after we were divorced. I didn’t know what to say to her, and kept my mouth shut

One evening while we were sitting talking, she suddenly asked me when I wanted to set a date to get married. I was somewhat taken back by her abruptness, and didn’t say anything for awhile. I thought to myself...why not. After all we had a lot of history together. We were married in June, 1965, when she was graduating from high school. She had just turned 18, and I had just turned 24. We both knew each other well, but I still had a feeling I had changed too much during the years I was away, and she wasn’t seeing that. I now felt , and saw things different, but I agreed to a date, and we set the coming November 23rd for the wedding. That made her very happy, and soon she was on the phone telling our daughters about the wedding. I thought to myself; God what had I just done? I couldn’t marry her still having feelings for Jennifer. But then again, maybe I’ll be over those feelings before the wedding day. Still, this wasn’t right of me to have agreed upon a date, but I had been feeling pressure coming from her to commit. I had hurt her too much in the past by my actions, and I didn’t want to hurt her anymore. She was a good person, and didn’t need anymore hurt in her life. Maybe it was a feeling of guilt that made me agree to a wedding day. Guilt, or what ever, it still didn’t make it right, and I was now scared; scared of making another mistake.

To be continued..........

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