Good Morning All,
I hope everyone has had a good week. The weekend is near, and I'm hoping you are all safe and careful this weekend.
As for me, this morning I got up, took the kids to school, and here I sit. All alone in the old house by myself. My sis went home yesterday morning.
All the memories flood back and sometimes I feel as though I'm drowning. Some of them are good ones, some of them hurt like hell. But no panic attacks as of yet. I'm praying I don't get one either. I feel Jason around me. I feel his presence.
As I sit here in the dining room, I can see him in my mind, running through the front door, or coming up the basement steps door to ask me a question. I can even hear it slam shut. I remember getting upset w/ him because he had the 2 riding lawn mowers out a yr ago, in the winter, and he was riding them through the front yard, making a mud track out of my front yard.
The other day I'd mentioned to my sis and the kids that I felt like I'd forgotten what his voice sounded like. As I sit here, in the quiet, I can hear him. I haven't forgotten what he sounds like, just couldn't hear it for everything else going on. I just needed to sit in silence and remember.
I remember his getting a wheel chair out of the garbage from the group home down the street, and riding it down the hill by our house. He could've been hit by a car at the bottom, him and his friends.
Bringing their "catch of the day" home and cutting them up out front, on a tree stump. Why a tree stump....who knows...they're teenagers...LOL
I see the work we've done in here in the last 2 wks, and wonder why I couldn't have done this a yr ago, instead of moving. But he loved the new home, and the new school he went too, if only for 7 weeks.
I picture him and Matt as little boys, their shirts off in the summer, cut off shorts, playing with Tommy, the neighbor boy. Tommy in pants, because he's never worn shorts, only for swimming. I have never figured out why either.
I can see the back door flying open and him flying inside, "Mom, come and listen to this" He'd torn one of the riding lawnmowers engines down, and put it back together. It was actually running! He was so excited and proud of himself, and so was I! He never did figure out where the 3 missing screws came from...LOL
I've been told that "it hasn't hit me yet". I say bullsh*t! It's hit me alright, and it's hit me HARD! It feels like someone slamming into my chest with a semi truck.
My Mom told me over Christmas to "get over this vice of losing Jason" No, I havent' forgiven her for saying that. She keeps saying she "knows what I'm going through". NO she doesn't. All 6 of her kids are alive and kicking. I'm not kicking as much as the other 5, but I'm breathing.
I talked to my other sis from Iowa on the phone last night. She was crying so hard. All I could do was listen to her. But it was strange. I wasn't crying with her this time. Is that wrong of me? I know I haven't forgotten what's happened. I am pretty medicated though. Maybe that's why I didn't cry last night. But I have cried since being here. Man have I cried!!
I cry when I walk into the basement stairway and look at the kids' growth chart they started on the wall. Even their friends are on the wall.
I'd like to put up a Memorial Plaque in the school. I even went in this morning to talk to the principal about how to go about doing it, and I want to start a Memorial Fund in his name for a scholarship for the 8th grade students who graduate. His class will graduate this spring. I want to keep it in the grade school though. I was going to do it for the seniors graduating, but I think it makes more sense to keep it at the grade school, since he was only 13 and never made it to high school yet.
Something to talk over with the kids.
I KNOW I should get off my butt and get something done, even though I'm pretty exhausted. No rest for the wicked. I have more painting upstairs to do, and more pics to hang up down here.
1st I'm going to make the phone call to the principal though.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.
Please be safe!
Much love,
Jini
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| 1st day in the old house alone |
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lacyvsq
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Jan 26 @ 11:30AM
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It sounds as though this move to the old house is just what you needed. I am happy for you. Keep doing just what you need to do to find peace and joy in life again.
Blessings!
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SallyF
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Jan 26 @ 11:33AM
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Jini, I don't know you, but I have followed your blogs and am very impressed with the way you 'know' yourself. Everyone grieves at a different pace and in different ways, and no one else can direct the process. Please be patient with and kind to yourself. When one has a broken leg, you take the time to heal, and slowly and tentatively walk again. Why would it be any different with a broken heart? You are in my thoughts. Sally
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biggreywolf
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Jan 26 @ 11:42AM
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Well that brought tears to my eyes. I don't know what happened because I am relativly new here and have not been following the blogs all the time.
Jini, may you feel the peace and love of the people that care about you. When times are painful and harsh, we sometimes forget about the people that love and care for us but the power of their love surrounds us anyway. May that love and peace comfort you now and see you through to a brighter day.
Wolf
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Lady_Jan
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Jan 26 @ 12:54PM
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awww, Sweety, I can sure tell you that I know exactly how your feeling, and how much of a GREAT Loss you've been through, see I lost my son (Will be 4 years Feb 7th) and when he passed away he took half of me with him. No Mother or Father should have to go through this and it hurts so bad, I haven't gotten through 1 day without shedding tears for my Son. It's Natural to lose your Parents, But not your Children, that can never be compared to losing a child.
I just wanna tell you if you ever need someone to talk to at anytime, please feel free to contact me, since we share the same loss.......Bigs Hugs and 
Your Friend Jan
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