Top 10 Reasons E.T.P. Should Just Bite Me (Real and Imaginary) posted 2/13/2007 12:15:46 PM | 1 kudo what's this?     report abuse tagged: etp, bites and biting, humor, silliness, annexation

HopelesslyHopeful

1) He once established an outpost on my private land, staffed by his legions of blood-imbibing, slavering, minions who were thoroughly disrespectful and never would wash their windows so us peeping toms could properly see what they were slavering about. Therefore ETP and his evil minions should all bite me - though, in the case of the minions, I'd like them to take the saying much more metaphorically.

2) He promised me he'd buy two copies of my book. He didn't.

3) He bought five copies of my book, reported me for tax fraud, then tore the books apart, and sent the individual poems and pictures along to the nearest pre-schools with a note which read "In case you run out of Ipecac."

(I hope I spelled that right and no one on this site has the ID 'Ipecac' because I so don't want to hear what sort of insult that will get twisted into lol)

4) When he asked me for a lap dance, I thought he meant me being on his lap, or something similar, but no: he tied a bib around my neck and yelled "Get to lapping!"

5) He asked me if I liked flowers, once, and I said yes. He asked me if I liked the idea of a man who would do something different, at times. I said yes. He sent me a bag of weevils.

6)ETP once reported me to the moderators for failure to cease wearing tops in public.

7) ETP once reported me to the moderators for failure to start wearing paper bags over my head. Though he did later relent and say that it wasn't so much that my face was all wrong as that it was that one ginchy eye distracted him while he was trying to remove my top with his eyes.

8) Later on I found out he meant a child's toy that has one pointed end and spins. This is very disconcerting as I'm not sure which part of me he was calling that!

9) I daren't tell you this one as, really, it's too ... well, let's just say that degrees can be faked and no, you should not attempt to self induce a cheeto enema no matter who says it's a good idea or how friendly they appear to be.

10) Biting is a sign of friendship amongst my people and by his lack of biting me he is oppressing me. I want reparation for all the times ETP and his ancestors failed to bite me and my ancestors: and I want a dictionary so that I will know how to spell reparation!!!


Thank you for your time and now, please, everyone who reads this, let Ed know that as he bites, he really does, it may as well be on me.

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