Uncle Finger's Boinking Guide for MEN posted 2/20/2007 10:39:53 PM | 10 kudos what's this?     report abuse tagged: dating, men, monkeys, tuna surprise

PullMyFinger

Some of you have wondered why women have been taking absolutely no notice of you and your flirting. I'm here to help. Why am I concerned with you? Well, I'm a retard and I'm getting tired of all the wussy-boy tears.

You know, the first half of PsychoBlog Month has been pretty damn interesting. Those like me, who are class deficient and socially inept, have vomited up some good stuff, and those with class have entertained us with works of literary art. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been entertained. Being clinically diagnosed as a psychopath, I think I have the expertise and experience to judge what’s good ... and what’s bad. The last couple of days have been focused on who and what is an asshole. This has been teamed up with those whiney bastards wondering why women prefer bad boys over nice guys. To me, a no-brainer, but to some it’s a mystery of monstrous proportions. I’m here today to set the record straight.

Nice guys, you basically suck monkey shit. I know, that’s certainly not a nice thing to say, but it’s the truth. You’re a Nancy boy, man-chick, boob-less skirtjerk, brown-nosed buttwipe and, of course, a whiney-assed butt-licker. Sure, in the long run, you’re probably a better choice for a woman, but in the beginning and in the short run, chicks will get tired of your “yes, dears", “anything for you, dear”, and “how far should I shove my nose up your butt, dear?”

I understand it’s a difficult concept for your View-watching, chick-film-enjoying and Oprah-loving ball-less ass but it’s the truth. Babes dig a MAN, that smelly-ass, booger-picking, baseball-watching, ball sack-scratching, chick-leering sack of Yak shit more commonly known as a Bad Boy. Those that don’t are more commonly referred to as Lezbos, Lezbianas, Rug-Munchers, and Larcenous Chick-Thieves. We don’t like them very much. (Actually, they’re getting better looking as time wears on, seems that us Bad Boys are fking up a good thing by being such dicks and we’re driving the babes to the other team.)

It’s a simple concept. Many of you buttfkn-ugly guys have gone through life whacking your pud while watching MTV and the Mexican channels on TV, so through your carnal desires you’ve decided the only way to attract a woman is by being some sort of wuss and bending over backwards to “nice to death” the babes. Honestly, you’re an idiot. It’s why you're sitting in front of your computer clicking back and forth between MD and some obscure porn site featuring chicks with dicks; you’re confused. It’s time to reclaim your Man Status, that honorary title of Man-Skank. You don’t have to be a total dick, of course; we’d be looking at each other and saying things like “Hey Bro, nice hairy ass” if we gave ourselves to the darkside altogether so we have to learn to balance the good and the bad.

First Rule in Finger's Man-Skank Rule Book: Refuse the urge to chase. Be unattainable; make them salivate over you. This can be quite difficult if you’re as ugly as two possums humping a cat. My only suggestion is plastic surgery. If you can’t afford an altering, you’ll soon find yourself lapping on the shores of Man-rump River. I’m sorry but you’re screwed. You can quit reading now. Those that do have at least a serviceable appearance can use this rule to your advantage, but only if the babe is either:

1. Stupid
2. Hideously ugly
3. Comatose
4. Catholic

Second Rule: Be indifferent. “Sex? Yeah I guess ... c’mere”. If you’re good, you can hold the remote in one hand and service her with the other. This takes a lot of practice, usually with different women. Many women find this tactic annoying and usually leave you for a chick named Butch but finding another is pretty easy. So practice makes perfect. Icing the family nugget-jewels in-between babes is often necessary. I’ve found the ice packs you can buy at retail drugstores the best, they’re reusable. I’ve attempted to use armored jock straps in the past, but babes are getting stronger these days and they offer very little protection to your Purple Helmeted Yogurt Thrower.

Third Rule: be stingy with compliments. When and if you get the chance, always compliment mothers and sisters. An example, “Man, your mom is hot, I could certainly give her a tickle pickle with Ralph the Fur-Faced Chicken”. This accomplishes two things, first it shows that you care and two that you like the mom. That’s always important. If her mom looks like Margaret Thatcher, compliment the sister, “Hey, your sister has awesome cans, can she play the Pink Oboe?”. If her sister is fugly, compliment the dog. “Your dog sure has a purdy mouth”; again, you’re caring and sensitive, but not a wuss.

I’ve basically run out of room, so I’ll leave you with this. Women don’t want Nancy boys. They want MEN. Quit fagging yourself out! No offense to gays and lesbians, you have your own issues to deal with. Be a man - be of the man, think like a man, pull your big-boy panties on and suck it up. Your incessant whining and bitching about how fkg nice you are and how you can’t find a woman is driving people nuts. Do as Uncle Finger suggests and you’ll soon be parking the porkasaurus where it needs to be parked ... or dead. But being dead is better than polishing your donut holder with Giggles the Sock Puppet for the rest of your pathetic life.

Yer Pal.
PMF

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Blogs by PullMyFinger: Memorial Day? My God's Better Than Your God.... Blogapalooza & The Flatulent Forums... Pilfering Yellow-Bellied Bushwankers.... Chain Saws, False Messiahs and Snake Oil Salesmen.... Butt Sniffing & Nazi Dudes.... Vicar in a Tutu...A Conversation with God.... My virtual world has crumbled, I'M LEAVING!!! Goodbye! One step away from roadkill, a squirrel's tale.... Forgiveness and Understanding A Case of Rape~~Literally Ghosts in the Shadows... Uncle Finger's Boinking Guide for MEN My Recliner of Rage, Things that suck.... Of Squirrels and Mugshots.... BLOG WARS: My Battle Plans.... The Dragonfire Syndrome... Leprecauns, Unicorns, Tooth Fairys and Internet Dating.....