As the week closes in on me, I feel as though I cannot breathe. The panic attacks are worse as ever. Jason's 1st anniversary is next Sunday, the 25th.
I can't focus, can't clean my house, get things unpacked ,(yes, I"m still unpacking and hanging things, but have quit doing so in the past few weeks). My mind is constantly wondering and i'm headed off into another direction with my thoughts. They ALWAYS end up with me at the hospital or the funeral home, or the cemetary. The cemetary doesn't bother me as much as the others though.
I have to have a house full of kids, in order to "feel safe". I haven't heard from my daughter in TN since the beginning of the week. She usually calls. We did chat on the computer last Wed night in a conference with her little sister and a few of her friends. But it wasn't the same as hearing her voice on the phone. She's pretty good about calling me too. I think I'll call the neighbors today and see if she's ok.
All the things I "thought" would be settled when I moved down here are still as messed up as they were 9 mths ago. My lawyer that I hired to get the house back in my name and out of the others' names, suddenly (at our 1st meeting after me giving him $1000, as a retainer fee) told me he couldn't work with me because he didn't think we'd get along.
I started crying of course...cuz that's what I do ALOT llately. Cry, cry, cry!! I got up from my chair, and said to him..." I might as well pull down my pants right now and bend over, so you can screw me up the ass too, because since Jason's accident, that's all EVERYONE who gets the chance has done to me and my kids"
Then I walked to the door, told him to have a nice f*ckiing day and I left crying my eyes out. He'd also told me I'd made 3 appts w/ him since the retainer was paid and missed 2 of them. NO, I called in the morning my grandson was put in ther hospital for RSV and pnemonia. He was in the hospital for 5 days, and is doing somewhat better. They are still giving him nebulizer treatments.
Of course I'm gong to be with my grandson before sitting in a lawyers office.
Some people still.....JUST DON'T GET IT!! I'm not healed yet, I NEVER WILL BE...and they think I should just be okey dokey fine.
I moved back to PdC to be with my daugher and grandson, and I find out yesterday that they are moving. He got accepted into UW-Richland, which is a 45 min drive for me. Again, it'll be the same thing as when I lived in Fennimore. Scrimping and scrapping to come up with gas money to see the baby.
Oh well, guess it's better than Florida. Thank Goodness!!
So I sit here and pray that someone else can take the world off of my shoulders. Take care of my money, the bills, the kids at school, the shopping, (which the girls do already), the legal stuff, anything that has to do with being an adult.
I just want a vacation from it all....My councelor told me to write down 2 things to do...1 thing in the morning, and 1 in the afternoon, and make that my goal for the day. I've done it and it works.
But who finds the new lawyer now, ME. Who has to go at 8 am to talk to the principal at Matt's school tomorrow, because they want to put him in alternative school, ME. Who has to deal with his truancy because his meds make him so tired..ME. 
So, maybe I should get someone to take over these responsibliities for me. I wouldn't even know where to start looking for someone to help out. I KNOW FOR SURE my x husband won't help.
If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. I don't think I can handle much more of the "doing it all on my own" I used too, and it didin't bother me in the least, but this past year has been a complete and utter mess. I haven't had the energy or "want to do it" at all!!
My oldest daughter used to help out with things, as did my dad. But she's now in TN, and my dad doesn't come around anymore to check on us. Not much since we moved back into the old house. Too many memories, I'm assuming.
I wish Calgon could take me away......or a bus ticket to no where!!
I'm sure the kids feel just as lost, but of course, they won't talk to me. Matt has become verbally abusive to everyone that crosses his path when he's in a rage. His anger is out of control. I was told by his councelor that it's normal, since he seen the whole thing. Carah has closed up, only to be with her friends, and then I'm left here alone. I feel I NEED her around all the time. Except when she's working. But at night it's the worst. I think it's because I'm so worried about her. Driving around in cars with teenagers, it's a parents nightmare anyways. She promises me that she doesn't leave town though ,when I let her go. I made her stay home last night because she's been gone for almost a week and 1/2 just haning out w/ her friends. They're here at night, after they go swimming, but I still worry. And they sometimes take Matt too.
I don't see Carlee, only if she needs a babysitter, and that's been quite often lately. I get absolutely scared out of my wits when i have a panic attack and the baby is here. LIke I had this morning, and I had to take him into Carah, and I'd promised she could sleep in becasue she had to work at 11:00.
God, I feel like such a bad parent. I can't get my mind on anything and focus.
I often wonder if the kids' dad feels this way too. Like he's taking on the whole world at once......
That's how I feel right now.....like I'm taking on the whole world at once....and the world is winning!! 
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| Jason's 1st Anniversary, and how I'm coping |
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mogrl1000
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Mar 18 @ 1:17PM
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I don`t know what to tell you except that I can not even imagine what you have been going through last year and you are still going strong considering the pain you have endured.I imagine the other kids would force you to keep going.
I`ll pray for you.If you ever need anyone to chat with let me know.
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one_dimple
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Mar 18 @ 1:40PM
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My thoughts are with you. I don't have answers, but I'm sending you lots of hugs.
He'd want to know you were smiling you know? He's in a safe place.
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ladyraindove74
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Mar 18 @ 2:47PM
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I understand your grief...and it's very hard to hang in there and keep on going, when all you really want to do is close the world out and be in your own little world. But...we can't...we go on for the others in our lives, we do the things we must and we reach to the very depths of our inner being to pull the strength we need to keep going. It's never easy...but...you can and will endure because you must. If you ever need a shoulder, just give a holler. Hugs to you and my prayers also are with you that you will find ways to cope and move ahead.
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Loreli
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Mar 27 @ 3:04PM
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The world will never win as long as you have the big heart you do.
It isn't going to be easy. And, as you said, you will never get over it.
Because you love, and that is the best you can do for you, and everyone else...you will be "OK" someday. In every way, but that one special place in your heart will hurt.
Know that your MD family is here to support you through the difficult times...
Hugs
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Duffy125
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Mar 27 @ 7:19PM
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I want to write to tell you I understand your concerns, hurts & confusion..
I lost my 20 year old son last May. He was the youngest. I can't even write about it or discuss it without falling apart.
Let me ask you. Have you heard of a group called "compassionate friends"?
It is for parents who have lost a child. They have discussions on coping with the items you mentioned. I understand they are all over the place. Their web site is compassionatefriends.org. In my area they only meet once a month at each location but you can go to more than one and also make new friends who understand what you are going through. Most issues you discussed here have been mentioned at these groups. I hope it helps some.
check it out. I'm sorry for your loss.
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