The day started out as any normal day. Except, I KNEW what day it really was!!!
I got online and emailed luv, 1st thing though, becasue I NEEDED her! She stayed with me ALL day, even though it was off and on, through emails on the computer. I love you so much luv....words could never express how I feel about you and how you helped me get through yesterday, and the days to come!!
I went out to the cemetary about 11:00 am, the time I got Matt's phone call, and stayed out there by myself for about 45 mins. I wanted to spend time with Jason myself, alone. I was so upset about it all and couldn't stop asking myself..."why?"
SO, I wrote that on his grave....WHY? in huge letters for everyone to see...even the ones who put him on that tractor. I guess I wanted them to know how much I still hurt and ask questions,even a year later.
I came back in to the house, to have it start filling up w/ Jason's friends, family, little girl-friends with broken hearts...I was starting to get this choking feeling in my throat, too many people here at one time. I live in a 3 story house, w/ 5 bedrooms now, again. Our home!! But it seemed I couldn't get away from them all. My house was full!
So, I took my meds and just "dealt with it". I hadn't planned on taking my meds yesterday at all. I wanted to "FEEL". D
My sis from Iowa finally showed up. One of my other sis's came over Friday night, so she was already here, she came for Matt. to support him, his favorite aunt.
We finally got EVERYONE around to write out their messages, to be put into the balloons that were going up, and then Carlee and Carah went out to get food (cold cuts, buns, chips, and pop....nothing fancy) and blow up the balloons.
When we FINALLY figured out who was riding w/ who, we left for the cemetary.
Carah was in a terrible mood. I couldn't even talk to her w/out getting my head bit off, but I took into consideration who she was feeling. Her little brother was out there!!
Me, I didn't shed barely a tear....not that I didnt want too....but it was ALL THE MEDS I put down my throat earlier. I felt like I was smothering, and I had too!!
Jadyn kept trying to kiss Uncle Jason's picture on the headstone, they got pics of that. Too cute!!
Everyone was running around, wrestilng, just what Jason would have wanted.
I was sooooooooo numb though. I just wanted to come home and lock myself up in my room.
After we got home and had lunch, and my sis left, that's what I did. I went to bed,@ 5:30 and didin't get back up until this morning @ almost 11 am.
Matt ended up making EVERYONE leave, because they were being too loud, and i was trying to sleep, and I think he did it becasue he "just wanted some time to himself, and his memories. I don't know, I was in bed already.
Matt (from what my sis told me that stayed the night w/ him) had many many nightmares last night of the accident. He woke up my sis quiite a few times to tell her. I'd moved the lazy suzanne off the table to make room yest...and that's where his meds were, for flashbacks and nightmares, so he couldn't find them. I wish he would've come and woke me up.
He didn't make it to school this morning, because he was up ALL night, so I called the school and explained why.
He took 2 of his meds, and it won't be long that he'll be asleep for the rest of the afternoon. They make him pretty tired, but he'll get the rest he needs, without the nightmares this time.
Today, with the windows open, and the spring air coming in, I feel the same way I did a year ago. Only right now, I would have been at the funeral home.
I am so glad it's past. One year is over. It all seems soooooooo surreal. Yest it seemed like it was happening all over again. Today, it's back to the surreal mode....did it even happen, is Jason just on vacation, and he'll be back?...is this normal to think this...I wish I knew....I wish I knew what normal was....
So, I'm back to holing up in the house again. My panic attacks won't let me out. I can't even talk on the phone very long, I just want to say what's to be said, and get going.
MY basement is flooded again, so that'll keep me busy for a while, pumping that out. And I have some laundry to do, so that'll also keep me busy the rest of the day. I will check in everyonce in a while today, just to "take a break".
I don't want sympathy....please don't anyone think that....this is a continuation of my blogs from before, which I copied and they are ALL in Jason's journal, for me to read anytime I want too, or for the kids to read, if anything should happen to me.
I'd like to Thank everyone who's supported me though the worst year of my entire life. You all are in my heart and NEVER will be forgotten!!!
Much love,
Jini
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read more blogs!
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lacyvsq
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Mar 26 @ 1:45PM
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...is this normal to think this...I wish I knew....I wish I knew what normal was....
Yes. And if at times in the coming year you feel as though this second year after Jason's death is as bad or worse than the first, that's normal too. Coninue being kind to yourself as you experience your feelings. Do whatever you have to do to get through one day at a time or one one hour... And at some point the times of peace will become longer...
Blessings!
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luvmycats
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Mar 26 @ 2:02PM
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 Love, Carol
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NeverB4Alone
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Mar 26 @ 2:29PM
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Time is a healer Jini ... But you are the one who decides how much time it will take to heal, and how you are going to heal. The first year is the hardest, but the years that follow, even though they get a little easier to deal with, are still yours to deal with however you feel you need to. Many of us have gone through, and many still go through what you are feeling, and coping with. Your feelings, and grief are normal, because they are YOUR feelings, and it is YOUR grief. No one CAN, and no one has the Right to tell you how you should feel, or how you should grieve. That is YOUR decision, and YOURS alone.
My Prayers are with you, and your family ...  
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Tunes4u
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Mar 26 @ 7:35PM
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I have been reading your posts since day one.
I think you are doing just fine. It's a roller coaster ride I am sure....some days are better than others....some are certainly worse. But maybe the hills and valleys are maybe just starting to level a bit....ever so slightly.
Keep doing it your way. It has got to be hard. But you are doing it.
I think you have a better grip on your life than you might think sometimes. You believe in yourself, and that is good. Real good. You should believe in yourself.
I see rays of sunshine actually reaching the ground now.....coming from you .
Like on one of those cool cloudy days when the sun only gets a chance to peek through ever so often....in those beautiful golden rays....as the clouds float by....that is something clouds do ya know....they come and they go.
I suspect those rays will not only come more often as time goes on, but they will become warmer and warmer.....as you continue to gain your strength and start drying up some of those clouds that have been around......you just sound like a strong person who has been through more than most of us could ever imagine.
It takes time.
And faith.
It is hard to really know something from such a distance, and not really knowing anything at all except what you choose to write.....but.....just from what I have read.....I think you are doing very well.
Sincerely,
Tunes
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