I read a blog a week or so ago where a woman (sorry forgot who it was) asked if anyone had ever heard from an old boyfriend a year or so after the break up, and if so what would they do?
Is she psychic or what? Wow... A few days ago an old boyfriend who I have not seen, heard from or heard about for something like 5 years calls me out of the blue. Wanted to know how I was doing and all of that. Then mentions that he really screwed up and wishes he'd handled things differently. Now if he hadn't gotten into how it was everyone else's fault (the moodiness, drugs and behaviors that led to our break up) I might have at least thought "Wow is he actually going to admit that he is responsible for his own actions and decisions?" But that tiny hope lasted for about 15 minutes.
BUT, I know now what I would do if an old boyfriend called out of the blue.
I was calm, I listened, I said my life was going fine and I hope he was doing well. I didn't even get angry or upset that he was still laying his problems at the feet of his boss, his friends, his family.... He is in his late 40's and old enough to know the truth. I or no one else can make him face it - God knows I tried that for too long as it was already.
I thought that was the end of it and why not? He said at the end of our conversation that I should know that he still loves me and he thinks I should just lock my place up and come up north and be with him - "I don't expect you to say anything, I just wanted to make the offer." He said "you know my number I haven't changed it either - call me if you ever want to talk" and hung up.
I thought well, thats that and I handled it quite well. It was kind of a relief actually because it showed me that he did not have the power to hurt me or pull at my heart as he once did. I felt good about the whole thing I guess. But then he calls again tonight. Really strange call. Wished me a Happy Easter, said he just wanted to say Hi. Asked if I'd given any thought to his suggestion. I hesitated thinking how to word what I wanted to say without being mean or cruel. "Never mind" he interrupts my thoughts.
Then he asked to talk to the kids. "Your kidding, right?" I ask. I can't hide my surprise that he'd even ask, expecially in that tone of voice like he has some great realtionship with them. I think he said, "Let me talk to my favorite girl, Jen" Nope, he wasn't kidding. This man who got on drugs, stole from the kids and I and pretty much made our life's hell thinks that my kids would want to talk to him? Instead of pointing all of this out I try to be good about it and just tell him that I hadn't even told the kids he called the first time. He said, (angrily) "Why not?" and I told him that they were pretty upset with the way that he had treated their mother and I saw no reason to mention it to them. I kind of hesitated and said, "I can ask her... "Just never mind," he said. "Maybe we shouldn't talk at all." Click. He hangs up. And I'm left thinking What the heck is all that about?
I still don't know but I think it was a good thing in a sense. I have thought about him from time to time as we often to with our exes. Wondering if he has straightened out his life, the what-ifs and all that. But the what-ifs in this case were pretty obvious in his tone of voice, his reaction to my not jumping in to a relationship with him and my hesitation when he asked to speak to my children. Still the same anger, the same "everything is everyone else's fault" and so on.
I am better to be alone forever than to fall back into that kind of mess. And as for my kids when I answered who it was on the phone, they are glad I didn't hand the phone to them and urged me to change the number to unlisted if he starts calling again.
I guess I am fortunate because his attitude even after this long absense showed he had not/would not change. I think in some cases ex's go out of their way to pretend to change (or maybe they really do try) but sometimes we can fall for the lines because they really do sound sorry and like they have changed. My ex is a hell-of-a good liar but when he doesn't get his own way you can sense and hear the anger - it's still there. So that makes me lucky (not that I would have taken him back anyway).
Being human we all make mistakes. But if we are truly sorry we learn from them and become better people because of them. People can and do change and I am in no way saying or insinuating that this can't or won't happen. But it's all about facing our problems, the error of our ways, admitting to them, working at them and loving ourselves and another person enough to become a better person. I admire people who do that and I almost envy (in a good way) those who are loved so much that someone will work to become a better person for them and with them.
I know I deserve better than this old boyfriend who called me out of the blue. And he remains at the top of my list of "Things that could be worse than being alone" 
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