1. It's the circumference, stupid! The numerical measurement of the bra has nothing to do with the size of our boobs.
2. Hair extensions and wigs are not the same thing. Wigs are for old ladies and drag queens. Extensions are for women who want longer hair. To be safe, never bring it up if you think a woman is wearing either. No good comes of it.
3. Never take credit for something we actually did. Unless that something is farting. We'll never raise our hands there.
4. You say: "I'm intense." We hear: "I'm a psycho."
5. We don't ever want to have an "intense" time at dinner.
6. Shaving down there doesn't make your equipment look any bigger. It does make it more manageable, however, which improves the chances of us admiring your manscaping.
7. The fact that you hesitate before using our razor because it's pink and that might make you seem gay is equal parts cute and pathetic.
8. Short of spending $10,000, there is nothing you can do to your head to hide the fact that you're going bald. If you're spraying your hair on from an aerosol can, chances are we can tell. Unless you're going to shell out the cash to do it right, just let it go.
9. When the car won't start and you do nothing but open the hood, there's a 40 percent chance it will start on the second try. Men will always act like they fixed it. We know and accept this.
10. A man's ability to haggle is never a turn-on. The only thing less romantic than how much you paid is how much you saved. The last thing we want to hear is how you talked the jeweler down on our new earrings.
Date Movie and in American Dreamz, in theaters April 14.
This and all other similarly titled blogs posted by me today are courtesy of Esquire magazine (who left them to be printed off and shared) who say:
Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.
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