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Vicar in a Tutu…
I was minding my business
Lifting some lead off
The roof of the Holy Name church
It was worthwhile living a laughable life
To set my eyes on the blistering sight
Of a vicar in a tutu
He's not strange
He just wants to live his life this way
~~The Smiths
So there I was, standing in front of the oven in my spiderman underwear, frying myself up some yummy hash browns when quite the sight caught my eye…God was staring back at me from the griddle, grinning back at me from the hash browns, sporting dreadlocks…
Hey God, what’s up?
Sup?, how ya doing, can ya turn the flame down a little bit? It’s fkng hot.
Oh yeah, sure..sorry.
No problemo…gonna have eggs with me?
Well of course.
Good, I like eggs…chickens were a mistake though, they shit everywhere. Platypus eggs suck ass though, so chickens had to be it.
Yeah I know, my kid has chickens in Tennessee…says the shit is overpowering after a rain.
Nice hat by the way, I’m a Detroit Tiger fan too.
You’re a baseball fan God?
Oh for sure…that arc they keep talking about? Fkng lunatics, it isn’t the last cup I drank from, it isn’t a bloodline…it’s the little tin I kept my baseball cards in, I have a Wagner by the way…the fker who finds it is going to Disneyland…..AFTER I toast the shithead and get my cards back of course.
Why do you have dreadlocks God?
Huge fkn Marley fan mon….I fired that dumbass Jesus a few months ago, asked Marley to take over…you’ll hear of it soon. That dude is HAPPENING, has the dreads going on, Michelin tire sandals and kicking it on a white sandy beach…people listen to him…I gotta have him cut down on the fatties though…Jesus was too uptight, all that thou thee shit…he’s pretty much fked it all up…people killing each other, lying and cheating…whining, asking for forgiveness and stuff, giving me a goddamn headache…so I sent him to Missouri…that should teach him. It’s hell…literally… Marley should do ok.
What about all that killing God?
What about it? People have free will, they say they kill in my name and all that shit. Free-will dude. I’m not killing anybody, although Rosie pisses me off, but honestly….people are idiots. Eventually they’ll kill each other off and I’ll start over again. I'll make squirrels the top of the foodchain, arm the little fkers, that should be fking funny.
So the Big Bang isn’t true?
Well, sorta….burritos are hell no matter where you are. Check this out, monkeys…humans say they’re ancestors or some shit to humans. The last time I saw a monkey morph into a human was like…well, fkn never. Monkeys are monkeys, humans human. I make a mistake EARLY on in the process, fart this horrendous fart and it’s the BIG BANG theory…for fks sake, but I don’t care. Humans are dumbfks.
What about the Bible God?
Yeah, that was pretty cool.
Who wrote it?
Some guy named Bob.
Bob?
Yeah, Bob. It was an early Blog that went apeshit. It started out as an advertisement for Oxen cart wheels….got out of hand when other dudes started in on it. Mary and I got a huge laugh out of it.
Mary?
Yeah, Jesus’s mom, Immaculate Conception my ass. I knocked the bottom out of that like there was no tomorrow.
Wow..
Wow is right, she was a hot number.
I want to thank you for Sci.
Oh, well..you’re welcome. It wasn’t my doing though, I had you scheduled for a fat chick in Toledo. That just happened I guess. She does have a nice ass though, brains and beauty Sci has…and an ass like two little puppies fighting in a paper-sack…
GOD!!!...JESUS! That’s my girl you’re talking about!!
Yeah so…and it’s MARLEY! now….I made her ya know…I can admire my work ya sick fk…
God?
Yeah?
What’s it all mean? What’s the meaning of life?
Beer, Boobs and Bratwurst…and whatever you want to make of it.
That’s it?
That’s it…no great mystery…live, laugh and never take yourself seriously…and quit using me as a fkn crutch. If you fk up, YOU fk up…don’t go looking to me to make things fkng better. I gave you all fkn brains, use them. Jesus had you all dreading the second coming….pestilence, locusts and shit…if Marley comes, it’s gonna be one big fkng party….it’s all those religious nutjobs who’re gonna be left out…lighten the fk up.
God? One more thing...am I going to heaven?
You already are...
I’m hungry now…
Yeah I know, last time I came you didn’t notice me on the English muffin and you ate my face.
Sorry..
No prob, be cool…
Later God…
You can count on it dumbass…and you’re gonna have to start calling me Jah from now on....later mon...
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read more blogs!
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| Vicar in a Tutu...A Conversation with God.... |
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Proud2bBiPolar
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May 1 @ 4:16PM
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 Loved it! 
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LipGlossQueen9
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May 1 @ 4:27PM
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imsingle2
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May 1 @ 4:31PM
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You'll burn in hell for that one..!!! And I'll be rolling on the ground right behind you... Tounge in cheek...
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sciurusniger
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May 1 @ 4:55PM
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Yo, mon, it's time to take the puppies for a walk.
Brilliant piece of satire, love. Most excellent, indeed.
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Tunes4u
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May 1 @ 5:37PM
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Better take the rest of him too, not just his puppies.....Mon
Sounds like he needs a fairly long walk off a fairly short pier if ya ask me....  .
although it was a fun read.
Mon.....
Rasta Pasta Tuneage....uuh!
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mystery2u888
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May 1 @ 5:39PM
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RVerwolf
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May 1 @ 5:42PM
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Amazing...I saw him in dreads one time also..but I blamed it on the acid and Marley music combo...lol... 
Damn good one, PMF...like always...  
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BrainsandBeauty
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May 1 @ 7:03PM
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Lmao! Soooo bad but sooooo good
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TallBlonde1
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May 1 @ 8:58PM
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if Marley comes, it’s gonna be one big fkng party
That's the day of reckoning I'm waiting for.
Great story!
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luvshorses644
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May 1 @ 9:18PM
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*shaking her head*
Mon, you jest ain't right in da head.. doncha no??? And my ma says it takes one ta no one!
Thanks for this little frikken, you are gonna be shot down to hell on a elevator with no bottom, piece of funny azzz shit.  
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Eyes_Wide_Shut
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May 1 @ 11:01PM
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Old Johnny Swift's got nothin' on you, methinks. =D
Thanks for this little frikken, you are gonna be shot down to hell on a elevator with no bottom, piece of funny azzz shit.
=D ^^^
peace
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misschoos
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May 3 @ 5:33PM
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So there I was, standing in front of the oven in my spiderman underwear I can't get past the eggs
Too many worries about you in Spiderman's underwear
AND you know he was gay  
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tracylynne
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May 12 @ 9:56AM
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We'll both burn in hell for THAT one 'cause I can't stop laughing!!!
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