I had xrays done, blood work and urine samples oh how fun. Turns out my stools on the right side are hugely backed up but all clear on the left side. So she wasn't sure but thinks I could have irritable bowel syndrome, oh lucky me. But we still have to see with ultra sound and ct scan. They shot me up with toridal and gave me a high dose of ativan and sent me home with a prescription for buscopan and we shall see how that all works out for now. So that's the story for now...
I hate having emotions. I am hurting and scared and angry more than I am my old bubbly happy social self. I hate this darkness and I want to stop feeling. I just want the world to go away, how do I make that happen? I am tired of the darkness and spontaneous tears. It takes all I have just to sit up in bed right now...
Everyone seems to find a reason for getting up everyday, how do you do that? I seem to have lost my way. Phil told me today apparently most of his family dislikes me or hates me now partially because of that video I uploaded online. I wish I could apologize but I'm not sorry. I am so tired of feeling like no one understands what I go through and even with the video still it got turned around, this is why I hate life. I hate everything. I wish to cease to exist. Obviously I am unworthy in life and in love. *tears* I guess I deserve afterall to be yelled at and called down so here I am world kick me till I am dead...
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| Life Is Hell, Why Live It? |
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SpecialKny
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May 1 @ 7:31PM
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Have you given any thought to finding a good therapist to talk all this out with???....also there are medications that can give you temporary relief while your working out whatever it is that makes you feel this desperate......I wish you peace...
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onoudn
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May 1 @ 7:56PM
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I just had a physical too and they wanted to test for the same thing. They told me how distressful it can be. The only so-called good news was that it doesn't have to lead to serious illness...what ever that means to doctors. I guess they mean its they can treat it in most cases. Doctors...If you need a shoulder to cry on mine are waterproof....I sent you an email
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hoftner
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May 1 @ 8:07PM
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 Thank you............Times like these....SUCK!!!!!!
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TigressOnTheProwl
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May 1 @ 8:09PM
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Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow[ -- Dorothy Thompson
You are not alone with your pain.
Keep reaching out of the darkness, just like you did just now.
There are many that surround you, willing to help.
Some in cyberland and others in real life.
If you have made mistakes, even serious mistakes, you may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down. -- Mary Pickford
Here is my hand reaching out to you, to help you get up and face yet another day.
Trust me, it's one day at a time and life does get better.
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legacy1
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May 1 @ 8:29PM
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Hang in there...I have seen the darkest of days..believe that.....I always came out more determined and stronger than before. Therapists are great people to talk to. My last one I made sure was a woman....I needed and wanted to hear from the opposite sex their thoughts and theroies on life and what I was doing wrong in general. It worked!!
I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts!
Rick
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legacy1
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May 1 @ 8:29PM
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Hang in there...I have seen the darkest of days..believe that.....I always came out more determined and stronger than before. Therapists are great people to talk to. My last one I made sure was a woman....I needed and wanted to hear from the opposite sex their thoughts and theroies on life and what I was doing wrong in general. It worked!!
I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts!
Rick
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Boulder_Boy101
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May 1 @ 8:41PM
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Don't worry things tend to work themselves out with a little bit of time... I know its hard to think that they will sometimes but just make it through the rough spots, there storm will break :)
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honesty2laughter
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May 1 @ 8:43PM
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 my dear friend please know things can and do get better even at its darkest moment im so sorry that you feel so scared of the unknown and wish you all the best and you will surly be in my prayers tonight i have faith with the doctors and esp The dear Lord the reason is 1977 car accident in hosp 3 months 1 1/2 month in colma cracked bone on left side of head removed replaced with a plastic plate.1999 in hosp removed piece of colen had a bag for a few months then wasent cancer and the bag was taken away.2000 had a fire lost everything by the grace of god no one was hurt but its true you can lose everything so please believe me today might seem hard hopes a prayers tomorrow will be brighter all the best in friendship and esp Love God Bless Bonnie
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3catguy
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May 1 @ 8:56PM
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I will also pray for you.
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Skydognc
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May 1 @ 9:15PM
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I'd love to tell you everything will be ok, and things will soon get better. I am sure you hear lot of that.
but truth is........
it's all up to you girl!
You are young and pretty. You have your whole life in front of you. There are so way many, who are so way much worse off! I certainly dont mean to sound cruel, what you are dealing with is terrible, bith medically and emotionally.
But, look at what you do have, in your life. Happiness comes from within.
It's all about what each of us choose to focus on. The good things we have, or the bad, that we have to deal with at this moment.
You are loved girl.......... take a good look inside. Think of all the goodnes you posess. Think of everything that is good in your life.
We cant make you feel better, that only comes from you!
But....... we will be here to support you , with every step you take!
God Bless,
Sky...
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BrownEyez79
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May 1 @ 9:53PM
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not to sound rude or anything hun, but thats life, its sucks!
we just have to play the hand we are dealt......i really wish there was something i could said or do to help you feel better, just know that your not alone out there, even if it feels that way right now.
hun i gotta ask something, why are you so worried about someones family disliking you? they have to choices, you know, accept you the way you are or not at all. i've been thru all that before, its not worth changing yourself to make some one else for more comfortable, reguardless who it is....
hun you really are worth more than you give yourself credit for ......sounds like you need a break from everyone and everything.......if you need to someone to talk to...or someone to just listen.....i'm an e-mail away........i'm sorry your going thru all of this.........my heart goes out to you hun.......take care ....your in my thoughts
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brunettee62
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May 1 @ 10:07PM
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Please take it one day at a time.....
Your worth it.....everyday get up for yourself
plan a schedule for things you need to get done.
Call a friend...neighbor ... plan something....
I would send you a Maxine greeting card......she makes me laugh!
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luapserrot
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May 1 @ 10:41PM
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Sorry for your problems ,Really. But u shouldnt put bitterness in the world,just a thought. 
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tridin
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May 1 @ 10:56PM
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Hi Illusion Lady 
Do you know! Everything is just great, only one medicine you need and Hell will change to Paradise and it is one man who is going to Love you with all his heart and you are going to be his World!
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canadianbbw
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May 1 @ 11:01PM
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I am so sorry you are going through this pain.
What you are describing sounds a hell of a lot like depression...I am not a doctor, but the symptoms are there: feeling bleak, overwhelmed. hating life, feeling unworthy, hating to get up in the morning, feeling unlovable, breaking into spontaneous tears....these are all classics of depression.
Please talk to your doctor, tell him/her all these things you are feeling. I have suffered from depression for years....if indeed you get such a diagnosis, there is good medication available. The medication takes upwards of a month to become effective.
Of course it may be something else...but talk to your doctor soon as you can.
I also have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and if you get that diagnosis, there are ways to feel better....like drinking lots of peppermint tea when you feel crumbly or in pain. Also good websites and books available on the subject. I know about the tests, ugh, just consider them an investment in your health.
Tell Phil you need all the support you can get right now, you don't need to hear negative stuff, your sense of self is already so fragile.
Don't give up, my fellow Canuck
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Lillithluv
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May 1 @ 11:04PM
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That's right get angry, scream into a pillow, say all the negatives you can think of, give into your anger 100% and then let it go. Know that there is nothing more than what you're doing right now, breath deeply and picture yourself floating (face up) in a sea of violet and silver iridescent healing pool of water. Picture your body being healed by a thousand healing angelic hands as they hold and Caresse you back to health.
Something on a more physical nature, look up celiacs disease and see if your symptoms fit. In any event good luck with your health and finding the truths in this life that you came to seek.
Love and Light,
Lilith
PS have you seen the Secret
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