Hmmm...I'd better get to bed soon. I'll be having a memorable day Sunday, and I won't be at my best unless I'm fully rested.
Twenty-some years ago I was very stuck on a young woman (friend of the family) who seemed like everything I could want in a partner. Unfortunately, while she had a crush on my best friend (who reciprocated) she never regarded me with anything stronger than kind regard. When I fully realized the situation was hopeless and had overcome my time of self-doubt, I resolved to make every effort to succeed the NEXT time I felt that way about a woman.
For her part, the woman of my desire never did quite get together with my friend, but she did find a husband not too long afterward. He represented everything she wanted at the time...until she soon discovered that the traits she wanted were not as important as she'd expected. Having reassessed her own wants and needs, her next choice was much closer to her underlying values; I was amused and pleased to observe that the man she chose to marry was FAR closer to my own personality than her first husband. And I wasn't envious of the situation, because I was still busy remodelling myself.
The process took years, but I worked to strip away layers of defensiveness and verbal combativeness (in college I pretty much never lost an argument...but later I realized the point is to maintain a conversation, not to "win"), build up my skills, and balance my attitudes. The next woman I met who seemed to have the same sparkle and humor and verve...fell in love with me almost instantly. It never would have been possible without that early disappointment; if I hadn't decided to look for things in myself to "fix," I dunno where I'd be today. And of course the process goes on; without constant striving, there is no satisfaction for me.
In a few hours my nephew and I will go over to our family friend's house and help her move a bunch of her second ex-husband's stuff out of her garage. Although he was a better match for her, he didn't have what it takes to construct a proper marriage; maybe if he'd had to handle some bigger disappointments in his life, he'd have developed the right attitudes and skills...he's certainly going to get his chance in the near future. As for her and me...well, it's definitely not the right time for her to think about romance. Frankly, I don't think it could ever work out that way between us, no matter what my feelings once were; I'm a lot more valuable as a friend today than I ever was as a starry-eyed college lad. When she sees me today, she will look upon me as she always has: a helpful, wise-cracking old pal.
I'm just hoping she doesn't look too closely into my eyes.
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read more blogs!
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painter007
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May 6 @ 12:35AM
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what a amazing sharing of yourself and man you seem to be.................
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LadyImp
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May 6 @ 2:05AM
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sometimes people are brought into our lives to help us grow, as she did you.....kudos for being so aware and taking the steps 
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The_Boy_Next_Door
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May 6 @ 3:18AM
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Sure, you hoping, praying, rubbing Buddahs belly, what ever people do, that she will look in your eyes! Be honest now. We are all reading this! 
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aniana
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May 6 @ 6:11AM
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Be honest with yourself: do you still have feelings for this wman? If you are and do, could you be a good friend and a soulmate at the same time????????????
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dawndex
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May 6 @ 8:40AM
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I'm on the edge of my seat....
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zippy8264
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May 6 @ 9:12AM
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I think you should start seminars to help men look inside themselves!!! Very well-written and awesome revelation -
~Zip
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callmepc
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May 6 @ 9:00PM
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Painter007:
what a amazing sharing of yourself and man you seem to be
Thank you! What sort of man do I seem to be? Of course there's always some gap between reality and how we present ourselves...I'm often unsure how I appear, because my brain fills in the gaps between what I say, and what other people need to know.
LadyImp:
kudos for being so aware and taking the steps
Many thanks! I wish it had been more fun. I've learned to be less harsh on myself over the years; it used to be so much easier when I thought I could blame other people for not loving me.
The_Boy...:
hoping, praying, rubbing Buddahs belly, what ever people do, that she will look in your eyes!
You're sweet! No, I never let her get that close. Seriously, this is not the time for her to get into a rebound relationship. She's got her own changes to pass through, and she wouldn't be able to concentrate with distractions around.
Aniana:
do you still have feelings for this woman?
Yes. But those feelings have changed, as have both of us.
could you be a good friend and a soulmate at the same time?
I wouldn't want a soulmate who I wasn't a good friend to. But you've hit the nail squarely on the head: what exactly doI want my relationship to be with her now? Honest answer: a valued friend who is ready to help her when things are rough. There is virtually no chance that there can be romance between us, even less that it would last, and it would be positively bad for her if such a thing happened before she's had time to settle some of her problems for herself. Doesn't stop a man from yearning, though.
Dawndex:
I'm on the edge of my seat
Don't slide off! I'm back. Mission accomplished, thanks to my trusty nephew and his good planning skills. Took about five hours and we moved all the stuff from the garage to a nearby storage shed, with plenty of room left over in the shed for more junk. Oh, my back.
Zippy
I think you should start seminars to help men look inside themselves!!! Very well-written and awesome revelation
Bless your heart! I don't even know how to help other guys go through what I've been through. Heh heh...I'm actually trying to nudge my nephew-in-law along a little bit, but my niece has asked me to go easy on him (she knows just how rough I used to be on myself.) Essentially, no guy is going to remodel his own interior without a strong motivation...and if he's got that motivation, he's finding his own way already.
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