To All You Wildly Sexy, Totally F***ing Amazing Women!! Woooo Hooooo! posted 5/13/2007 9:11:53 AM | 2 kudos what's this?     report abuse tagged: moms, wishes, love

luvshorses644

Yep... tis that day again.. the one day that some corporate executives sat down and actually thought.. hot dayyyyummm how can we say thank you to the one person on the face of the earth that was crazy and enough in love to actually let their own damn bodies morph into shapes that would have horrified them (twere not for the fact that they carried life) suffer the insanities of barfin their whole insides out for the first trimester (thank Gawd.. twas not my case with the first .. my TAZ, however, she, the little rug rat decided early on how to really get her ole mom's weight into control and started creating antibodies while invitro (doncha jest love some werds.. cuz'n they sound all pretty and shiney???), have periods of say five seconds where they don't actually have the urge to pee (especially during that last 3 weeks.. I think that when I was not actually at my desk at work, I lived in that stark white room which had piped in overpowering cherry smells wafting from some Gawd awful white frikken thing in the middle of the room which met with an untimely demise when it was yanked from the wall by some swollen ankled fat lady with a purse!!! ... honest ooossssifffferrrr I didn't get the license plate of the bus that hit it!.. and who swore to all the heavens that be while they throttled and almost choked the effin breath outta the man that knocked them up...errr.. I mean got them in this family way while they were standing by the side of the hospital bed.. sayin.. "does it really hurt that much?"... that they would never get them in bed again... let alone pregnant again... (yeah, 11 mths. 2 days and bam!!! --- shades of Emeril there)

But in all seriousness, we bloated, fat bellied and swollen ankled pee-in-our pants at the slightest frikken sound of dripping water ladies have never been so bursting from the bottom of that certainly undignified position of having our legs placed in iron contraptions that only a man with a need for revenge coulda thought of .. and mind you not only did we need to have them legs of ours bent over these iron bars and our azzzz allowed to blow dry nekkid and free but we did this spread eagle!!! for complete strangers to video tape (thank the Lord that technology wasn't as advanced as it is today and that my ex was a techno-geek... elst I woulda hadda see that part of my anatomy that I would rather just catch a glimpse of when exiting the bathroom outta the shower.. thank ya very much.

All of this, yep, all of this physical discomfort, personal humiliation and the ripping of dignity from our very person, were well worth it all five times over the very first time, after lying there looking like something even my frikken cat wouldn't have chosen to drag home, the doctor placed that battle weary living, heart beating against our own outside chest bundle of crying and wailing miracle that LOVE had showered us with. Now, you can say what you want about how miserable your life with your ex was.. how absent a father and husband he was, but damn ladies.. give the frikken arzzzz some credit.. HE was partly responsible for that miracle that was now resting on your sweaty, heaving chest .. wailing and sharing the tears you had leaking from your eyes .. HE was partly responsible for that instant squeeze on that heart that was full of the honest-to-Gawd best feeling it ever had before and probably will again (I know you will have LOVE, but not the same kind as at that moment.. be honest!!!).

And from that very first time you heard that miracle call you mom, watched as he/she took their very first step, watched that first (ouch!!!! can you all tell the method my kids were nourished by??? ooooo, 50 lashes for sexual entendrees there!!!) tooth appear, saw them off to their very first day at school (then turned around and felt your heart break a little because you knew what this meant .. another giant step away and towards their own life) you took them to countless games and parties for their friends and never once wished it could be a "do over"... you got that chance to back out of a driveway at 35 mph with your teeth gritted so hard while trying to, in an even tone to say: "hon, I don't think you should do that again, because reverse is not meant for a lead foot"... you saw them dress up elegantly and knew they were, again, a giant step away from you when they went to their proms... you watched with more pride than you ever thought was possible as they walked across the stage and got that diploma and turned their tassles and flipped the hats, and then packed their bags to leave for the first time to attend college... and then the biggest day that you witnessed when you thought your heart couldn't beat any louder nor the pride fill you any more without you bursting at the seams.. their wedding.. the vows of love to that chosen one.

And here you sit, reading this ole woman's tale... some of you have those weepy things fallin.. some are thinking.. yep.. she so ain't right.. but all in all, ladies of the MDland.. this ole woman, who knows of what you experienced and knows better yet how glad you are and how for not all the money in the world would you have exchanged what that experience brought you.. I stand and applaud you and say.. "thank you" for perhaps bringing into this world our next Einstein, our next Gershwin, our next president, our next inspiration.

You have earned this day.. relax, enjoy and smile.. you have done well!!! Happy Mother's Day!!!

KIDS SAY THE FUNNIEST THINGS
JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feed his new baby sister. After a while he asked, "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember, you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mom goodnight. "I love you so much that when you die, I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said. "It makes my teeth cough."

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young man and woman who were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will she fit?????"

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