As I sit at this computer, outside there is a storm. The rumbling of the the thunder and the cracks of lightning shine thru the sheets of rain. I LOVE storms; they remind me of life. They are that dark place (thank you O.D. for sharing your story) in each of our lives where we struggle with our own or other demons and life's trials. We can either learn to ride out these tempests or we can rail against them beating our chests and asking why?
Those that find their way to riding out each storm become stronger and healthier individuals for they learn how to reach inside themselves for that extra push of strength and in doing so, they find the person they have always been but perhaps never fully were aware of. They find they are capable of having life hit them hard and withstanding those blows, in fact, many times because of them, that individual learns he/she has the fortitude and ability they had only previously scratched the surface of. This is not an easy task and there are times when each of us falls back down unable to fight the demon and win. But if we do not try, if we give up, we become not only the victim but the punisher. By that I mean, we not only have to deal with the storm, but we learn to be derisive about our shortcomings. Many take those shortcomings so much to heart, believing they are weak, unlucky or unable to withstand much more.
The blog I speak of brought an "aha" from me. I, too, had been walking thru that darkness for some years after the divorce. I was safe being alone in that darkness and to step out in the light would have involved taking another chance to become someone that "was not right" for the individual I gave my heart to. Rather than face the land of "what if", I instead grew to like my safety net in the dark.. as the Simon and Garfunkel song verse was written, so I believed:
I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the word before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries. I doubt that I really understood this is what I had been doing. All I knew was I was safe from further hurt, and that was good. But slowly and surely over the years there have been special people that have walked into my life. They were meant to be in my life at that given moment. To bring me a lesson about who I truly am.
That was the reason for my blog on "contentment, home, freedom, happiness". With the inevitable sale of the house my children were raised in, and the move here, I have found I do have strengths and there is a person inside of me that has, indeed, a right to be loved for who I am..both my weaknesses and my strengths.
The storm has cleansing powers much like the tears we all cry when life tosses us in raging seas. The storms rains cleans the earth and our tears clean our spirit...and we all know what happens after the storm. The light shines all bright, clean and new and so should your life. I'm still me, the clown of my family. The tomboy up to my elbows in dirt and oil who rides her Kubota with a smile and mucks her goat pen with tenderness, but I am longing for (as O.D.so eloquently put it) IT in my life again and, by the powers that are and the lessons they brought to me.. I am READY! And the feeling that IT is within close proximity is strong! Bring IT on baby, bring IT on!
And a short one for grandpa:
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
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| Bring IT on..Men & Fishing |
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