Plate Spinning Monkeys Riding Tricycles...* posted 7/25/2007 3:36:33 PM | 13 kudos what's this?     report abuse tagged: satire, humor, creationism, evolution, behavior

PullMyFinger

"My theory on evolution is that Darwin was adopted."
(Steven Wright)

Creationists state science doesn't support evolution and those that believe in such nonsense should have a banana shoved up their southern rearward-facing orifice.

Evolutionists say science does support it and this unknown entity of faith and creationism is for those who gnaw on leaded paint-chips while sniffing Elmers Glue® from a paper Piggly Wiggly sack.

Does behavior prove anything?



Here, I'm gonna give ya another one of my favorite quotes; I'll start a tab for ya:

"Sometimes you just have to rearrange the pieces and create a different picture than the one shown on the outside of the box."
(Sciurusniger)

I'm going to do just that, because that's what I've done throughout my entire writing career. I'm a prolific Blog reader; I read pretty much everything on a number of Blog sites. I discard most as Internet detritus, pass by the obvious junk and settle into a pattern of perusing actual Blogs. I've had a lot of time lately; waiting on the inevitable trip back to the sandbox and Motaritaville. My attempts at convincing those that hold my leash that I've contracted the Ebola virus and am unable to fulfill our contractional agreement have been met with a lot of "Who the fk are you kidding?" retorts, immediately pronouncing me a retard, a retard retort so to speak.

So, this is what I've found and is my opinion only, not to be taken seriously unless you're a genius; otherwise, sit back, huff some more glue and/or paint and decide for yourselves. (May I suggest Krylon?)

Some of the most active bloggers blog about creationism and evolution. It's a favorite topic on every blogsite, not just this one. Regardless the site they're featured on, the pattern of comments and arguments are very much the same.

The arguments quickly develop into name-calling; is that hyphenated? Anyway, one party calls the other a retard, the other responds in kind but with maybe a little more eloquence, like "I can hear the ocean if I stand close enough to your font" kinda thing. The cousins-of-monkey respond with more names, the religious zealots scream scripture and wish a pox on their detractors, the barely walking-upright post links supporting their claims, pointed to hacks claiming to be scientists, the holy rollers lose their religion with more insults and on and on and on and on....

Eventually, both resort to, you guessed it, doing the old reach-around, scooping out some corn-covered-dooky and flinging it at each other. "Oh yeah?" (Faaaaaaaling!!!) (Thwap!) Then, as an added bonus, they start picking up cyber tree branches and start to pummelling each other like they're protecting their banana stash.

That tells me only one thing, maybe this evolution thing isn't so far fetched afterall. If I remember correctly, The Discovery Channel™ has done programs on chimps and those chimps are acting very much like the way some of these bloggers do.

MY BANANA!!! (Faaaaahling!) (Thwap!)

MY STICK WITH CRUNCHY TERMITY GOODNESS!!! (Faaaaahling!) (Thwap!)

Then, when I'm really confused, I look at Sciurusniger, then at Salma Hayek, then maybe a quick glimpse at Jennifer Love Hewitt and think, WTF, no fkn way...monkeys? Relatives of monkeys???

I don't think so Mister I-crawled-out-of-the-inky-black-depths-on-flipper-like-legs!!!

So I obviously have a conundrum. I'll be convinced of either argument if one of two things present themselves.

A monkey, in front of my very own eyes, morphs into a human. Complete with trousers hanging down to his knees, baseball cap askew and with an iPod earpiece planted firmly in his/her earhole, singing N.W.A's "Straight Outta Compton" or Celine Dion's ever so popular tune "A New Day Has Come".

Or

God, Jesus or Bob Marley sportin a big ol' fatty visit me and pronounce that creationism is indeed the reality and in creating me, the whole flinging poop thing was NOT part of the master plan.

Until then, I'm just convinced that we as a human race are fked up beyond belief. We war over oil (termites), we war over territory (banana trees) and we've allowed men, men that possess the intellect of some fkn silver-back with the brains of a cockroach, to rule us in a way that will eventually lead us to our ultimate destruction. Humans fling shit, so do monkeys. It's the most available weapon each of us have, manufactured at whim and adhering to all that "Green Compliant" shit we so often hear of. We're screwed.

Monkeys are monkeys, humans are humans and Sci, Salma and Jennifer Love Hewitt are and should be included in the Seven Wonders of the World.

So please join me this Sunday at 9am at the Church of the Whadafk where we'll be discussing today's hottest topic, reality. Shirts and shoes are required; sticks, termites and banana branches will be furnished on a first-come, first-served basis. Please bring your own dooky.

Rev Nucking Futz

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