Hi all MD friends,
I'm blogging, in hopes my friends catch this as well, and I'm too lazy/stressed to type up several different emails.
My life right now, as I know it ...I'm just taking it day by day, trying to live out the rest of my day w/ a smile on my face, and emptiness in my heart.... A bittersweet smile at that though.
As some of you may know, I drove down to TN and moved my oldest daughter home a little over a month ago. Her and her fiance (now husband, they got married Aug 1, 2007) are living with me and the 2 younger kids now. I just found out Thursday night I'm going to be a Gramma again. Yes, she is going to have a baby. A planned baby for those thinking that this was a "shotgun wedding".
They planned around her getting pregnant around the time of their wedding. Who knew it'd take the 1st time...LOL but heck, I'm NOT complaining.
She's due April 20, 2008. No clue as to names yet, the shock hasn't worn off yet!!
Carlee and Anthony and the baby have moved an hour away for him to start college. That's been VERY hard on me, since I don't get to see them everyday like i used too. Jadyn turned 11 mths yesterday. I miss them soooo much!!
Carah, my youngest daughter "seems" to be doing ok. She's still working and she's with her friends alot, so i don't see her much. I miss our long conversations, and her thoughtfulness!! I miss her! I think she tries to stay away from me, as I'm not the same person I used to be....but I'll get to that in a minute.
Matt.....well, Matt is still angry as hell. AND he has EVERY right to be! I am sometimes able to look him in the eyes, and i see nothing. No emotion at all. I see a very lost little boy who has lost his best friend/brother and has been through hell and has no clue as to how to get back. Yes, he's still in counceling for those of you who are wondering. We will be having a grief councelor coming into our home soon, for the whole family, including the kids' dad. He willl come voluntarily, or be court ordered to come, i was told. I hope they start soon...I'm fearing losing my other son...I don't think he can take much more!! I'm so worried about him.
Me.....how do I describe what I have been going through? It's been 16 mths since i got the horrific phone call that Jason was gone. I've tried to mourn, grieve, and start the healing process.
I can't go to the cemetary anymore, it's just too much for me. I feel like the most horrible Mom on earth!! I can't make myself go. Everytime I "think/say" I'm going, I have a panic attack. I asked my dr about it..he said it's all part of the healing process, the grieving process.
I'm VERY ANGRY...I'M PISSED!! My son, who was one of the most livliest, vibrant, funniest, smartest young man anyone could want to know...is gone!
I bawl thinking about him!! I cry for the things he's missing out on, his being an Uncle, Brother, Grandson, Cousin, Friend....MY SON!!
There are days EVERYONE stays out of my way, because they know if I have "that look on my face", they take 2 steps back and just let me be.
I've turned into a bitter woman. VERY BITTER!!
This coming Tuesday, Jason would be 15 y/o. I wonder what he'd ask for, for me to cook for him for his birthday supper....spaghetti, tacos, bbq's, then I snap back into reality, and remember he's not having anymore birthdays!!
I am VERY angry again at the grandfather and great uncle that put my boys on the tractors. I hate them!! YES, I SAID ...HATE THEM!!
I want so badlly to go to the scene of the accident...but my other children think it's a bad idea. I want to know where Jason took his last breath. I want to know where God wrapped his arms around him, and took him to Heaven.....
I want this nightmare to be over!!
Much love all,
Jini
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KnittinKitten
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Aug 11 @ 11:55AM
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Wow poniepower:
You're certainly going through a lot. I don't have any advice for you because I am not in your place. I have some thoughts to share with you....given to me by a doctor, many, many years ago, when I was under great stress.
He told me that I was entitled to each and every one of my thoughts....there were no WRONG thoughts. But, he said that it was what I DO with my thoughts is what counts. Yes, that's the hard part. I listened to what he said, and received guidance from him until I learned how to handle it myself.
I'm 71 now, and still here. Yes, I made it, I listened to him...and heard what he had to say....and then tried it myself. Obviously, he was right. I hope you are lucky enough to have someone whom you can rely on for this same type of guidance.
And, although there are some things you NEVER forget. Blessedly, time does lessen the pain. Trust me, I know. 
I'm sending you a kudo to show you I care.
Sincerely,
Knittin Kitten
Judy
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moodychick
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Aug 11 @ 12:14PM
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Go there and see it. You need to be able to feel his presence, know he was wrapped in God's love.
My heart breaks for you. There is no greater heartache than losing a child. And it really doesn't ever get better; you just learn to cope with the pain better.
*hugs*
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Missy_21484
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Aug 11 @ 12:16PM
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Its only making you a stronger person. I wish I could help.. and there was something that could be done. Your in my prayers... Have a wonderful day! 
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warrior674
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Aug 11 @ 1:02PM
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I hope someday you can replace some of the fear and emptiness with love. 
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floatboater
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Aug 11 @ 2:04PM
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Jini,
So sorry to read of your ordeal...but I have an answer that will "free" your mind and your soul and make you feel at peace....as hard as this may seem for you it is the ultimate answer that will put this in a place where you can once again live your life...and think of this in terms that are tolerable for you....
It's quite simply to forgive...forgive...forgive...unconditional forgiveness to those who you feel may have wronged you and your son.....you will need to practice telling this over and over again....it works...it works....start soon as you can...It worked for me...when I was filled with hatred over another matter...I couldn't believe it that one day...the "cloud" lifted...and I was free to live again....
I will be happy to share more details with you if you like...
Have a great day! All the best to you! With love!
Ed
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Duffy125
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Aug 11 @ 3:36PM
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I can totally understand all your feelings regarding your loss of Jason and your concern with Matt as well. You are a good mom and I hear the love you have for each family member you have written about.
As you know, I also lost my son, Henry. My family has used writing to help. Journal and poetry too. Sometimes even writing a letter TO him was a bit helpful.. Drawing may also help. Your family may already doing this as well but I thought I'd mention it. I'm not saying it is a solution.. perhaps just another coping skill...
J, You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers...
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poniepower
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Aug 12 @ 2:40PM
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Thanks to everyone who has either commented on my blog or emailed me personally.
I pray EVERYDAY for these feelings to go away.
I talk to Jason EVERYDAY.
I made it out to the cemetary last night. Yes, I had a panic attack, but it took my oldest daughter to get into an argument with me, for me to get up off my lazy butt, get pissed enough at the whole damn world, and go talk to my son. I think she did it on purpose....she KNEW I hadn't been out there in quite some time.
I felt sooooooooo peaceful out there, talking to Jason. Telling him he's going to be an Uncle again..telling him I asked his sister the very same thing he'd asked his other sister when she found out the 1st day she was preggo....he said.."So, Carlee, have you picked out any names yet?" It was just too funny! He was so excited to be an Uncle!! He knew she was upset, only being 17 and a junior in high school, he was trying to make her laugh.
As far as forgiving the grammpa and great uncle...I have forgiven them. BUT...I can't help the feelings of anger that overcome and consume me when i think of Jason being gone, and where his body was laid to rest!
It's not fair..it's just not fair.
I should have NEVER let my boys walk out that door that Friday night when they went to their dads. I BELIEVE WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL...that Jason would still be here today!! It's a guilt I live with EVERYDAY! Yes, I know I need to overcome this guilt..but as of right now..I CAN'T!! I blame myself, I knew something was going to happen to one of my kids...I'd had that "motherly instinct" for a week...I did nothing about it..other than talk to one of my friends about it. I thought it was going to happen to my oldest daughter..( NO, I COULD NEVER PICK ONE OF MY CHILDREN TO LOSE BY DEATH) it was just a feeling I had. She was driving back and forth..sometimes after having a couple of beers...45 mins away, and then home again after she had a couple of beers.
I figured all my other children were "safe"!!
I just wanted to try and touch base with all of your comments, and emails, I hope I didn't leave anyone out. I thank all of you for your phone #'s and your caring words.
I won't call you though, this is something that I need to deal with on my own. It's something I need to work out.
Thanks again everyone,
Much love to you all,
Jini
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